Definitions by jazzriff
loonies
The word "loony" comes from the retarded superstition that staring at the moon will make you batshit crazy. It can mean one of 2 things:
1)Someone who disagrees with you, and who you do not wish to speak to or listen to. This term can be used by nancy boys and douchebags such as fundies, generally to refer to lib'rals.
2)Someone who is demonstrably delusional or psychotic. Often these people will disguise their psychosis as a political ideology, generally blaming various groups of scapegoats for all their problems based on negligible or nonexistent evidence.
1)Someone who disagrees with you, and who you do not wish to speak to or listen to. This term can be used by nancy boys and douchebags such as fundies, generally to refer to lib'rals.
2)Someone who is demonstrably delusional or psychotic. Often these people will disguise their psychosis as a political ideology, generally blaming various groups of scapegoats for all their problems based on negligible or nonexistent evidence.
Famous current loonies include: Ann Coulter, John Ashcroft, Rush Limbaugh, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Osama bin Laden, and all other fundies, Nazis, and people involved with (or seriously believing the rhetoric of) the Church of Voodoo Pharmacology.
The most common relatively sane person to be an alleged loony is Michael Moore, who contrary to Republican beliefs is not actually insane, but simply obese and incoherent.
The most common relatively sane person to be an alleged loony is Michael Moore, who contrary to Republican beliefs is not actually insane, but simply obese and incoherent.
groin-grabbingly good
A term used to indicate extreme pleasure with something (it could be practically anything), to the point of that something inducing the grabbing of one's genital area in a reflexive attempt at masturbation. Not necessarily literal. The term was coined by television buffoon Homer Simpson.
groin-grabbingly good by jazzriff October 14, 2005
fetal alcohol syndrome
This refers to brain damage (in the form of permanent retardation) caused by a fetus being exposed to alcohol via the alcoholism of the mother. This is not to be confused with child abuse, which can also cause retardation and brain damage and be caused by alchoholism, but which involves children, which are alive, rather than fetuses, which are not fully alive, and thus inferior. Also not to be confused with the similar concepts of "crack babies" or "meth babies," which are completely unsubstantiated (and widely denounced, by those professionals who study such things) allegations propagated by the Church of Voodoo Pharmacology.
The phrase can be used as an explanation for unusually retarded behavior. See alcohol in the blood surrogate.
The phrase can be used as an explanation for unusually retarded behavior. See alcohol in the blood surrogate.
fetal alcohol syndrome by jazzriff October 14, 2005
crack babies
Completely fictional creatures invented in the 1980's by the Church of Voodoo Pharmacology. The allegation was that crack cocaine smoked by pregnant women essentially caused fetal alcohol syndrome, when in fact (as many doctors have testified), the often-freakish babies born to crack addicts were the victims of serious malnutrition (as their mothers were often very poor and/or retarded) and of course fetal alcohol syndrome.
For absurd definitions see crack baby.
For absurd definitions see crack baby.
Interviewer: Tell us about the crack baby plague which is sweeping the nation.
Doctor: Actually, on examining these "crack babies," I find that their mothers were almost always alcholics and chain-smokers who were seriously malnourished during pregnancy. Any fetus would be extremely lucky to end up normal in that situation, with or without cocaine.
Interviewer: No, you're not getting the concept. We want to know about the *plague* of *crack babies*. If you won't cooperate we'll just interview someone else.
(true story, paraphrased)
Doctor: Actually, on examining these "crack babies," I find that their mothers were almost always alcholics and chain-smokers who were seriously malnourished during pregnancy. Any fetus would be extremely lucky to end up normal in that situation, with or without cocaine.
Interviewer: No, you're not getting the concept. We want to know about the *plague* of *crack babies*. If you won't cooperate we'll just interview someone else.
(true story, paraphrased)
crack babies by jazzriff October 14, 2005
brain damage
Damage to the brain, usually defined by dead brain cells which would otherwise survive, is known to be caused by several things:
-fetal alcohol syndrome
-being constantly on speed for about 3 days
-large quantities of Ecstasy (a massive overdose)
-incompetently synthesized synthetic drugs
-being constantly drunk for about 3 days
-being hit on the head reeeal hard (see child abuse)
-being raised by fundies
Many people will claim that *any* mind-altering substance causes brain damage, but since this has never been scientifically demonstrated, these people are generally ignorant. See Church of Voodoo Pharmacology (assuming the editors have accepted it).
The general result is retardation, and it can cause the victim to join the fundies or other cults. It can also cause epilepsy, which can increase the ease of acceptance in a fundie cult because many of them view seizures as divine possession.
-fetal alcohol syndrome
-being constantly on speed for about 3 days
-large quantities of Ecstasy (a massive overdose)
-incompetently synthesized synthetic drugs
-being constantly drunk for about 3 days
-being hit on the head reeeal hard (see child abuse)
-being raised by fundies
Many people will claim that *any* mind-altering substance causes brain damage, but since this has never been scientifically demonstrated, these people are generally ignorant. See Church of Voodoo Pharmacology (assuming the editors have accepted it).
The general result is retardation, and it can cause the victim to join the fundies or other cults. It can also cause epilepsy, which can increase the ease of acceptance in a fundie cult because many of them view seizures as divine possession.
Popular exponents of brain damage include Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, the KKK, and Ronald Reagan. The latter was so evil that his brain attempted suicide, causing Alzheimer's disease.
brain damage by jazzriff October 14, 2005
fundie
The fundamentalists, also known as fundies or by their Latin classification Homo Phobius, are a subspecies of humanity distinguished by their phobia (simultaneous fear and hatred) of most people who differ from them in any way, based on their extreme religious conviction.
The threat of eternal physical torture in the mythical flaming demon zoo known as "Hell" is the fundies' primary method of insulting others. They base this conviction on millenia-old books of badly-written tribal customs, myths and genealogy which have been mistranslated many times by other fundies. In the case of the Muslim fundie, these books are contained in the Koran, while the Christian fundie worships the Bible.
The brain of the "Christian" fundie, while generally underdeveloped and often host of outlandish delusions, has a large capacity for memorization of Bible verses (or in the case of the Islamic fundie, Koran verses), often in the Shakespearian English of the King James Version, as this is less easily understood, and thus more easily twisted into the basic fundie message, which is "hate thy neighbor." Fundies, however, occasionally use the euphemism "love thy neighbor" (a rare example of non-literal fundie language) to convey the same idea.
Fundie dogma, along with what has already been mentioned, includes the concepts that differences between individuals, differences often so insignificant as to be unnoticeable without spying, should be the basis for undying hatred of those who possess any of these horrible differences, and for their condemnation to eternal Hellfire. This philosophy is also known as bigotry or douchebaggery. This is based on their occasional cursory reading of the above-mentioned texts combined with their lack of ability to understand the concepts of metaphor, sarcasm or any type of humor whatsoever. Often the fundie will not in fact read the "holy" texts, but will simply memorize the passages which other fundies recite. This is a common behavior pattern of the fundie, since, along with being often illiterate, they are incapable of logical thought, and thus cannot develop any individual opinions on the meaning of these texts.
A short list of those who are often considered by the fundie to be inferior follows:
-atheists
-agnostics
-Muslims according to Christian fundies, and Christians according to Muslim fundies
-HOMOSEXUALS (this is generally the most important enemy of the fundie)
-people who have sex before marriage
-people who are not white
-members of any cult other than that of the fundie in question
-immigrants
-liberals (in the sense of "Democrats" as well as the sense of people who think independently, and/or support any less strict form of government than theocratic fascism, and/or in any way support the concepts of peace, love, or tolerance, as espoused by the Christian fundie's supposed idol, Jesus Christ.)
-people who read or mention parts of the scriptures which endorse liberal blasphemies such as tolerance
-every subculture except their own (e.g. punks, Goths, both of which are known in fundie dialect as "Satanists")
-users of any mind-altering drug except pharmaceuticals and caffeine (and depending on the particular cult, tobacco and alcohol are sometimes accepted)
-married couples who do not always have sex in the missionary position
Despite the similarity in names, fundies despise all forms of fun (such as sex, drug use, movies, dancing, and non-gospel music), considering them to be Satanic.
A short list of fundie cults follows:
-White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan
-Liberty University (despite the name, the members of this cult have a special hatred for liberty, since it is valued by liberals)
-Bob Jones University (for all practical purposes identical with Liberty University)
-Al Qaeda (Islamic)
-the Baptist church
-Pentecostalism (one of the main rituals of this cult involves feigning an epileptic fit while babbling incomprehensbily, which oddly is seen as a sign of holiness and purity)
Though their philosophy would in most places condemn them to be homeless pariahs, in the Southern United States many fundies have found work as preachers and other types of demagagogues (such as politicians). Though fundies for the most part lack any practical skills by fault of their underdeveloped and hate-flooded brains, the ability to convince people that other types of people are not human, but in fact demons sent by Satan, is a valued and respected skill in fundie culture. Abbreviated examples of this ability, often based on the misinterpretation of statistics, are below.
The threat of eternal physical torture in the mythical flaming demon zoo known as "Hell" is the fundies' primary method of insulting others. They base this conviction on millenia-old books of badly-written tribal customs, myths and genealogy which have been mistranslated many times by other fundies. In the case of the Muslim fundie, these books are contained in the Koran, while the Christian fundie worships the Bible.
The brain of the "Christian" fundie, while generally underdeveloped and often host of outlandish delusions, has a large capacity for memorization of Bible verses (or in the case of the Islamic fundie, Koran verses), often in the Shakespearian English of the King James Version, as this is less easily understood, and thus more easily twisted into the basic fundie message, which is "hate thy neighbor." Fundies, however, occasionally use the euphemism "love thy neighbor" (a rare example of non-literal fundie language) to convey the same idea.
Fundie dogma, along with what has already been mentioned, includes the concepts that differences between individuals, differences often so insignificant as to be unnoticeable without spying, should be the basis for undying hatred of those who possess any of these horrible differences, and for their condemnation to eternal Hellfire. This philosophy is also known as bigotry or douchebaggery. This is based on their occasional cursory reading of the above-mentioned texts combined with their lack of ability to understand the concepts of metaphor, sarcasm or any type of humor whatsoever. Often the fundie will not in fact read the "holy" texts, but will simply memorize the passages which other fundies recite. This is a common behavior pattern of the fundie, since, along with being often illiterate, they are incapable of logical thought, and thus cannot develop any individual opinions on the meaning of these texts.
A short list of those who are often considered by the fundie to be inferior follows:
-atheists
-agnostics
-Muslims according to Christian fundies, and Christians according to Muslim fundies
-HOMOSEXUALS (this is generally the most important enemy of the fundie)
-people who have sex before marriage
-people who are not white
-members of any cult other than that of the fundie in question
-immigrants
-liberals (in the sense of "Democrats" as well as the sense of people who think independently, and/or support any less strict form of government than theocratic fascism, and/or in any way support the concepts of peace, love, or tolerance, as espoused by the Christian fundie's supposed idol, Jesus Christ.)
-people who read or mention parts of the scriptures which endorse liberal blasphemies such as tolerance
-every subculture except their own (e.g. punks, Goths, both of which are known in fundie dialect as "Satanists")
-users of any mind-altering drug except pharmaceuticals and caffeine (and depending on the particular cult, tobacco and alcohol are sometimes accepted)
-married couples who do not always have sex in the missionary position
Despite the similarity in names, fundies despise all forms of fun (such as sex, drug use, movies, dancing, and non-gospel music), considering them to be Satanic.
A short list of fundie cults follows:
-White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan
-Liberty University (despite the name, the members of this cult have a special hatred for liberty, since it is valued by liberals)
-Bob Jones University (for all practical purposes identical with Liberty University)
-Al Qaeda (Islamic)
-the Baptist church
-Pentecostalism (one of the main rituals of this cult involves feigning an epileptic fit while babbling incomprehensbily, which oddly is seen as a sign of holiness and purity)
Though their philosophy would in most places condemn them to be homeless pariahs, in the Southern United States many fundies have found work as preachers and other types of demagagogues (such as politicians). Though fundies for the most part lack any practical skills by fault of their underdeveloped and hate-flooded brains, the ability to convince people that other types of people are not human, but in fact demons sent by Satan, is a valued and respected skill in fundie culture. Abbreviated examples of this ability, often based on the misinterpretation of statistics, are below.
Fact:Black people are arrested, convicted and incarcerated at dramatically higher rates than white people in the U.S.
Standard interpretation: racism is systemic, and/or cops often make mass arrests in black ghettoes.
Fundie (or "psychotic") interpretation: The nigger is a violent and inferior lifeform! They will all burn in hell! We must bring back segregation to protect ourselves!
Fact: Fossil evidence suggests that species evolved over millions of years. As this is scientific evidence, many intellectuals (for example liberals) accept it as fact.
Fundie (or "schizophrenic") interpretation: The Bible does not mention evolution! Therefore the Devil planted the fossil record! The liberals believe the fossil record, therefore they are servants of Satan! The liberals are not people! They must be assimilated!
Standard interpretation: racism is systemic, and/or cops often make mass arrests in black ghettoes.
Fundie (or "psychotic") interpretation: The nigger is a violent and inferior lifeform! They will all burn in hell! We must bring back segregation to protect ourselves!
Fact: Fossil evidence suggests that species evolved over millions of years. As this is scientific evidence, many intellectuals (for example liberals) accept it as fact.
Fundie (or "schizophrenic") interpretation: The Bible does not mention evolution! Therefore the Devil planted the fossil record! The liberals believe the fossil record, therefore they are servants of Satan! The liberals are not people! They must be assimilated!
douchebaggery
1)The philosophy held by douchebags, holding that no one other than themselves (or perhaps their close associates) matters in the least bit, and thus that other human beings can and should be treated like complete excrement for little or no reason (and often for selfish reasons). Closely related to fascism, which has been practiced by control freaks such as Adolf Hitler.
2)The act of putting this philosophy into practice.
2)The act of putting this philosophy into practice.
1)Some notable (historical and otherwise) adherents of douchebaggery: Josef Stalin, Mao Tse Tung, George W. Bush, Adolf Hitler, Andrew Jackson, George Lincoln Rockwell, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan
2)Examples of douchebaggery in practice, varying in scope and intensity (in the order of the above adherents): fascism; violent political oppression; winning an election through obvious fraud and subsequently invading Iraq based on admitted lies; the Holocaust; the genocide of the Native Americans; the founding of the American Nazi Party; more violent political oppression; declaring jihad on an entire country and slaughtering 3,000 innocent cubicle workers as part of it; declaring a War on Drugs based largely on the delusion that "every one of those goddamn bastards out to legalize marijuana is a Jew" (direct quote from President Richard Nixon); treating the Constitution and the natural environment as a set of obstacles to be overcome.
2)Examples of douchebaggery in practice, varying in scope and intensity (in the order of the above adherents): fascism; violent political oppression; winning an election through obvious fraud and subsequently invading Iraq based on admitted lies; the Holocaust; the genocide of the Native Americans; the founding of the American Nazi Party; more violent political oppression; declaring jihad on an entire country and slaughtering 3,000 innocent cubicle workers as part of it; declaring a War on Drugs based largely on the delusion that "every one of those goddamn bastards out to legalize marijuana is a Jew" (direct quote from President Richard Nixon); treating the Constitution and the natural environment as a set of obstacles to be overcome.
douchebaggery by jazzriff October 12, 2005