Definitions by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne
Amish Worsh-Up
Every thirty days, The Amish (and Mennonite) men/boys and women/girls (if you’re them/theys, you’re shit outta luck) — they separate into two groups, pair off, and with homemade soap and well water, lather up each others’ private areas. The men go first; then the bucket (or trough) is passed to the women, and they do the best they can. Waste not, want not, Hezekiah and “Bath”-sheba .
Sodom Dettweiler: “Can you help me pass the sudsy trough and 350-year-old squeegee from the Old Country to Zipporah Diegenderfer? She wants to go first in the proud tradition of Amish worsh-up.
Carthage McFartface: “Hay Detwheeler, remembur yu got Phoebe Braunschweiger pregnant last munth.”
Sodom: “Oh right! Maybe I should go on my Rumspringa….Darn dagnabbit cheese n rice I don’t need another trip to the coat hanger maker.”
Carthage: “Damn straight.”
Carthage McFartface: “Hay Detwheeler, remembur yu got Phoebe Braunschweiger pregnant last munth.”
Sodom: “Oh right! Maybe I should go on my Rumspringa….Darn dagnabbit cheese n rice I don’t need another trip to the coat hanger maker.”
Carthage: “Damn straight.”
Amish Worsh-Up by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne March 16, 2026
Shaftfeeding
The post-Millennial generation alternative to breastfeeding, steeped in much ongoing legal, moral, ethical, and religious controversy. It is thought to be a logical and direct outcome of the feminist movement with most of its practitioners being stay-at-home fathers of the so-called “beta-male” persuasion.” It is exactly as it sounds: using the testicles instead of the chesticles to deliver life-sustenance to the burgeoning infant, while providing a release to the parents (the obvious tension release from the father, and the release from the bondage of “trad” motherhood for the die-hard feminist.) The most beautiful symbiosis.
Studies show that shaftmilk is as nutritious as breastmilk in 100/100 of cases (see NAMBLA Journal of Medical Research, Vol. 1, $.50) and combats anxiety, depression, herpes in dogs, but does not cure dick breath. Shaftfeeding can also be accomplished through the anus or vagina, where it is also known as cockfeeding or “chasing the financial advisor’s pet tadpole.”
Currently illegal in all 50 US states, but probably legal in Trudeau’s Canada.
Studies show that shaftmilk is as nutritious as breastmilk in 100/100 of cases (see NAMBLA Journal of Medical Research, Vol. 1, $.50) and combats anxiety, depression, herpes in dogs, but does not cure dick breath. Shaftfeeding can also be accomplished through the anus or vagina, where it is also known as cockfeeding or “chasing the financial advisor’s pet tadpole.”
Currently illegal in all 50 US states, but probably legal in Trudeau’s Canada.
Bedelia: “Carthage! I need you to step up and SHAFTFEED THE TWINS. SOMEONE has to go to work, and I HAVE A GIRL BOSS JOB BEING A GIRL BOSS AND I AM A BOSS BABE AND I WEAR THE PANTS IN THIS HERE FAMILY. I ONLY HAVE BREASTS AND AM INCAPABLE OF SHAFTFEEDING. MAKE SURE DINNER IS READY WHEN I GET HOME. I LUVVVV YOUUUU MWAHHH BYEEEE!”
Carthage McFartface: (under breath) “BISSHHH…(grabs twins who are attached at the forehead)…(unzips trousers zzzZzZZZIIP!)…WITCH WON OF YOU LUKKY BISSHES GETZ 2 TAYST DADDY FURST? LATCH! LATCH WHY DONTCHAAAH AHGH UGHH UNHGGHH OHHH THAT IS SO GOOD DADDY LOVES YOU SO MUTCH UNGHHHHH…”
Carthage McFartface: (under breath) “BISSHHH…(grabs twins who are attached at the forehead)…(unzips trousers zzzZzZZZIIP!)…WITCH WON OF YOU LUKKY BISSHES GETZ 2 TAYST DADDY FURST? LATCH! LATCH WHY DONTCHAAAH AHGH UGHH UNHGGHH OHHH THAT IS SO GOOD DADDY LOVES YOU SO MUTCH UNGHHHHH…”
Shaftfeeding by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne October 15, 2025
Rhapsody in Brown
1. A shit. Dump. Poop. Caca. Doodie. Butt cruller. Colon Phó. Dookie. Craptain’s Log. Turd. Et shitera.
(A color shift, or word-play on “Rhapsody in Blue,” the title of George Gershwin’s iconic, jazz-infused composition for solo piano and orchestra - which only a perverse individual would use as a metaphor for taking a gigantic emergency dump-a-roo.)
2. The title of McBackdoornugget Gershwin’s not-as-iconic, hyper-sexualized composition for amplified, prepared solo contrabassoon and didjeridoodoo ensemble.
(M. Gershwin was George Gershwin’s conjoined twin who lived inside his transverse colon. He lived until age 14, shortly after celebrating his bar mitzvah.)
(A color shift, or word-play on “Rhapsody in Blue,” the title of George Gershwin’s iconic, jazz-infused composition for solo piano and orchestra - which only a perverse individual would use as a metaphor for taking a gigantic emergency dump-a-roo.)
2. The title of McBackdoornugget Gershwin’s not-as-iconic, hyper-sexualized composition for amplified, prepared solo contrabassoon and didjeridoodoo ensemble.
(M. Gershwin was George Gershwin’s conjoined twin who lived inside his transverse colon. He lived until age 14, shortly after celebrating his bar mitzvah.)
1. Salomé von Schtankenburg: “Carthage! You’re 10 minutes late for rehearsal AGAIN. What’s going ON with you?!?”
Carthage McFartface: “BISSSHH I WAS MAYKINA RHAPSODY IN BROWN FOUR YOR INFOURMASHION BISH WEN YOU GOTSSA GOE BISSH YOU GOTTA GO NOW GETOUDDAMYWAYBISSSHHH AYIM NOWW TEN. PLUS ONE MINITZ. LAYTE.”
2. (From The Contrabassonist’s Weekly):
“The seventh-best recording of M. Gershwin’s ‘Rhapsody in Brown’ features the undeniable virtuosity of the legendary Inuit contrabassonist Qalnuuuuuuuknuuuknuuk Smith, whose deep, truly smelly, scatological tone nevertheless penetrates the hearts — and clits — of his listeners. Hats off to the didjeridoodooists, too.”
Carthage McFartface: “BISSSHH I WAS MAYKINA RHAPSODY IN BROWN FOUR YOR INFOURMASHION BISH WEN YOU GOTSSA GOE BISSH YOU GOTTA GO NOW GETOUDDAMYWAYBISSSHHH AYIM NOWW TEN. PLUS ONE MINITZ. LAYTE.”
2. (From The Contrabassonist’s Weekly):
“The seventh-best recording of M. Gershwin’s ‘Rhapsody in Brown’ features the undeniable virtuosity of the legendary Inuit contrabassonist Qalnuuuuuuuknuuuknuuk Smith, whose deep, truly smelly, scatological tone nevertheless penetrates the hearts — and clits — of his listeners. Hats off to the didjeridoodooists, too.”
Rhapsody in Brown by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne September 29, 2025
Trudeau Air Freshener
This delightful hack will have your public men’s room smelling like a 0-star hotel.
At any men’s room (or “washroom”), generally north of the 49th Parallel, whether it’s at a Fifth Wheel Truck Stop, Tim Horton’s, Canadian Tire, or the Fairmont Le Château Frontenac — one must perform what is commonly known as a “Lower Decker,” and make their best back door glazed chocolate cruller right into the urinal, supplanting the “mint” (or other hitherto pissed-on object) that was there beforehand. This means some preparation is in order: perhaps with bare hands if you are a man, perhaps with tongs if you are a man but need to first thoroughly clean out your gay ass pussy (see: Trudeau, Justin). One will need to remove said olfactory object(s) from the porcelain receptacle, thus creating the space for this unique, “new brown mint.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present, the piss-activated, yet can fuck up any room without it, <drum roll> Trudeau Air Freshener. Always in blackface.
At any men’s room (or “washroom”), generally north of the 49th Parallel, whether it’s at a Fifth Wheel Truck Stop, Tim Horton’s, Canadian Tire, or the Fairmont Le Château Frontenac — one must perform what is commonly known as a “Lower Decker,” and make their best back door glazed chocolate cruller right into the urinal, supplanting the “mint” (or other hitherto pissed-on object) that was there beforehand. This means some preparation is in order: perhaps with bare hands if you are a man, perhaps with tongs if you are a man but need to first thoroughly clean out your gay ass pussy (see: Trudeau, Justin). One will need to remove said olfactory object(s) from the porcelain receptacle, thus creating the space for this unique, “new brown mint.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present, the piss-activated, yet can fuck up any room without it, <drum roll> Trudeau Air Freshener. Always in blackface.
Carthage McFartface: HAY EYYY IM SORREY BUT I EHH GAYVE YER MANS ROOM A UPGRADE OVER THERE EH?
Pierre DuPuis: TABARNAK IT SMELL LIKE DUH SHITT EEN HEERRR.
Carthage McFartface: THATS CUZ I MAYD A GODD DAMM TRUDEAU AIR FRESHENER AN IM SORREY EH BUT I ALSO PEED ON IT A LONG TIME EH BISHH EH SORREY?
Pierre DuPuis: TABARNAK IT SMELL LIKE DUH SHITT EEN HEERRR.
Carthage McFartface: THATS CUZ I MAYD A GODD DAMM TRUDEAU AIR FRESHENER AN IM SORREY EH BUT I ALSO PEED ON IT A LONG TIME EH BISHH EH SORREY?
Trudeau Air Freshener by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne September 28, 2025
Kansas City Splatters
1. The inevitable aftermath of eating any raw ocean fish as sushi or sashimi, in a landlocked area of any country. Applies equally to the explosive process out of the piehole or the one located at the yonder end of the alimentary canal.
2. Kansas City’s Premier Foosball Team, consistently ranked #6 by Field & Stream.
2. Kansas City’s Premier Foosball Team, consistently ranked #6 by Field & Stream.
1. Phanh-hang: “O no sweetie did you need me to grab you the Dude Wipes, or the Depends again?”
Sweetie: “BISHH WE ALL OUDDATHEWIPES UUNNGHHH SPLTHTHPHPHTHTTTT I GOTS DA KANSAS CITY SPLATTERS FROM BLEEAAACCGGHCGGHH THAT SUSHIGGLURBGBGHGRBLEGGGGGG <<splattt>> <<FAAAART!>> WE ATED IN TOPEKA. BLEGHGHGEGCHH.”
2. “Wow. The 2025-26 season for the Kansas City Splatters just dropped. Quick — go grab Dad’s Amex card!”
Sweetie: “BISHH WE ALL OUDDATHEWIPES UUNNGHHH SPLTHTHPHPHTHTTTT I GOTS DA KANSAS CITY SPLATTERS FROM BLEEAAACCGGHCGGHH THAT SUSHIGGLURBGBGHGRBLEGGGGGG <<splattt>> <<FAAAART!>> WE ATED IN TOPEKA. BLEGHGHGEGCHH.”
2. “Wow. The 2025-26 season for the Kansas City Splatters just dropped. Quick — go grab Dad’s Amex card!”
Kansas City Splatters by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne September 26, 2025
Dong Giovanni
1. The pornographic version (yet to be staged) of Mozart’s two-act opera, Don Giovanni, the cautionary tale of unmitigated lust without repentance.
2. A hung Italian, like Rocco Siffreddi.
(Not hanged - see Benito Mussolini)
3. A complete and utter dipshit.
2. A hung Italian, like Rocco Siffreddi.
(Not hanged - see Benito Mussolini)
3. A complete and utter dipshit.
1. “Dahhling, shall we attend the Met tonight? Luciano Pornvarotti is singing the title role in Dong Giovanni.”
2. Yo, Frankee I wuz drainin’ my jimmy dean ovah in the pishadoo when James Gandolfini stands next me an sez HOW YOO DOOIN whipps his SUASSIDGE out an pisht like a guoddamm racehuose. Guy’s a regluh Dong Giovanni.
3. Carthage McFartface should be in prison for ten life sentences for being such a Dong Giovanni.
2. Yo, Frankee I wuz drainin’ my jimmy dean ovah in the pishadoo when James Gandolfini stands next me an sez HOW YOO DOOIN whipps his SUASSIDGE out an pisht like a guoddamm racehuose. Guy’s a regluh Dong Giovanni.
3. Carthage McFartface should be in prison for ten life sentences for being such a Dong Giovanni.
Dong Giovanni by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne September 24, 2025
Parole Bazooka
The rather graphic, violent act of destroying a loved-one’s orifice of choice, upon receiving the good news that he or she (or they, if you are so inclined) have been granted clemency, an early pardon, etc., and with all the pent-up seKsual tension and rage that inevitably accumulated during the incarceration period (because of course they were wrongly convicted of diddling that baby whilst polishing Dr. Frankfurter on multiple occasions — caught on several different Ring cameras). Must be achieved with an actual bazooka. Or a penis.
Diahanna: “WELCOMMME HOMMME HUNNNNNEYY!!!”
Carthage McFartface: “TURN THE lights OFF BIIISHH AN TURN AROUND IMMABOUDA GIVE YOU THE WHOLE PAROLE BAZOOKA AAAAGHH AAAAHH OOOHH AAAGH AAAAAAGGGHH!!!”
Carthage McFartface: “TURN THE lights OFF BIIISHH AN TURN AROUND IMMABOUDA GIVE YOU THE WHOLE PAROLE BAZOOKA AAAAGHH AAAAHH OOOHH AAAGH AAAAAAGGGHH!!!”
Parole Bazooka by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne September 15, 2025