Carl Willis's definitions

mtvu

(Proper noun / registered trademark) Music TeleVision for Universities. Insufferable pop trash and advertisement network that relentlessly targets the college student audience. MTVU especially tries to cultivate a loyal following from the Spring-Break Party Animals and Trendy Airheads, both of whom comprise the vast majority of the college demographic these days. The whole point of MTVU is to make money, of course. By negotiating contracts to have their inane audiovisual sewage piped into college cafeterias and similar public places on campus, MTVU hopes to brainwash its captive audience into a bunch of pop-culture-crazed, money-spending zombies.

Please see a mental health professional if you are regularly exposed to MTVU at school.

After a year of exposure to MTVU, Derek gave up studying, threw away his bluegrass records and replaced them with 50 Cent, went on a month-long drunken spring break in Cancun, became a bitch for Abercrombie, started dating promiscuous airheaded cheerleaders, bought a Hummer with his parents' money, and entered the wasted brotherhood of Sigma Upsilon Kappa. In short...they won his soul.

by Carl Willis November 9, 2004

corium

n. The lava of molten (or previously molten) nuclear fuel resulting from a reactor meltdown. A rather unpleasant material.

Following the meltdown at Springfield Unit I, Mr. Burns hired local schoolchildren at minimum wage to shovel the corium out of the reactor building.

by Carl Willis February 27, 2006

bone bag

n. A male condom, aka, a jimmy hat.

He gave LaTonya the real package, straight up--no bone bag or nuthin'.

by Carl Willis August 9, 2004

shamrock

Verb.

(1) To screw someone over; scam.

(2) To inflict severe injury upon someone as leverage to facilitate the extortion of money.

"Shamrock" is most frequently encountered in the passive, as in, "you have been shamrocked." (Origin: Shamrock Towing, a notoriously unethical business in the greater Columbus, Ohio area, ca. 1957)

(1) After paying $115 for the predatory towing of his car, Willis figured out he'd been shamrocked and called an attorney.

(2) "You didn't pay Vinnie your protection this month?! Buddy, you are sooo shamrocked!"

by Carl Willis April 27, 2004

packing

Adj. (gerundive form, by ellipsis from "to pack heat") Carrying a concealed firearm.

Son, you keep away from dat nigga Rakwan, you heah me? The foo' be packin' and he might just up and cap yo trash-talkin' ass one these days!

by Carl Willis August 24, 2004

creation science

n. A fundamentalist Christian outreach concept, in which the intent is to "debunk" science with the word of scripture. Its most vocal adherents are southern and mid-western U.S. evangelical protestants (see Bible Thumper.) Creation "scientists" try to convince "unsaved" people that the Earth was formed in a Creation that took place at the hands of Almighty God a few thousand years ago, and hope their evidence will convert a few of these "unsaved" people to the faith.

Some key tenets of Creation Science:

--Scientists (the real ones) are going to Hell, where they will burn forever for blasphemy of the Holy Word of God.

--"Evolution" is a scam to trick us into believing that wholesome, white Christians have common ancestry with apes and chimps and (oh no, please no...) black people! Evolution is the Devil's Theory (yes, it is just a theory).

--Hell is real, full of sulfur, and it exists in the center of the Earth. (Most persons on Earth will be summarily cast into this Lake of Fire when we pass away.)

Unfortunately, unlike real scientists, Creation Scientists face a non-existent job market. Most find work in blue-collar manufacturing jobs, or else provide for their families by huntin' sqwirls, 'coons and o-possum. Their hobbies range from watching NASCAR, to whippin' the kids, to attending Klan and CCC rallies. Prrrraise Jesus!

Question: How old is this part of the Grand Canyon?

Scientist: This formation is about five million years old, according to our best uranium-lead dating...

Creation Scientist: Them there canyon ain't no more 'n' maybe 4000 years ole,' and if you done believe otherwise, you're a Hellbound sinner, praise the Lord! Now please op'n' all yawl's Bibles to Genesis, Chapter Six and let us remind ourselves of the word of God...

by Carl Willis December 14, 2004

ETS

n. (Educational Testing Service) A white-collar corporate gang in Ewing, New Jersy, headed by Kurt Landgraf. They peddle the SAT and GRE assessment products on the street to vulnerable youths who don't know how to say NO. A greedy parasite that should be eliminated for the betterment of society. See also: Tollbooth on the highway of education.

Those poor students had to pony up $115 to the ETS in order to get admitted to college.

"We da ETS, we be hangin' wif da Kurt-rock, and we be all up in your shit if you don't pay us your protection, FOOL!"

Kurt, I'm gonna bring my posse up on ETS turf and get me a goddamn refund one of these days CHUMP!

by Carl Willis May 21, 2004