Albert Woods's definitions

Snepprotical

Adjective with variable, or no, meaning; used to flummox one's superiors and betters who will not admit to their total ignorance of the word.

In Business:-

'What do you think of the latest sales figures, Braithwaite?

'Well sir, they could be better; but they're quite snepprotical aren't they.'

or Socially:-

'A round of golf tomorrow, Smithers?"

'I'm afraid not Lord Duff. My wife's holding a snepprotical coffee morning.'

by Albert Woods January 2, 2009

Beaky Shoe

The plaintive cry of the Euro-Asian lesser-brained immigrant, welcomed into the country to fill the vital and skilled role of accosting the public by flogging copies of Big Issue.

Seller: 'Beaky Shoe! Beaky Shoe, plizz!'

Joe Public: 'Piss off!'

by Albert Woods January 4, 2009

Gronion

Pronounced like onion with 'Gr' in front, and usually in the plural.

Singular: - A left (or right) sailor's testicle that has been grossly inflated by a true 'blow' job in some stinking back-street Asian or Arab port during shore leave.

Plural - (Gronions) The worst scenario. Both balls about to explode through over-inflation, usually brought about by the aforesaid vicious fellatio, but with the added intervention of the house madam sticking a finger up the rectum at the same time.

Ship's Doctor:

'You seem to have a severe case of the Gronions'.

Sailor:

'Is there any cure?'

Ship's Doctor:

'No; but if you're willing, I suggest you donate one to Arsenal and the other to Man. U.'

by Albert Woods September 27, 2007

Blanket Crawler

An insatiable cum-guzzling nympho who, not satisfied with a generous mouthful, dives under the blankets foraging for any stray jism blobs (sometimes next morning).

Peregrine: 'I'm worried about our sex life. Lady Isobel keeps disappearing under the bedclothes.'

Quentain: 'Don't be. She's probably a blanket crawler.'

by Albert Woods September 27, 2007

Naturally

1: A term people use when they mean the exact opposite.

2: The perfect get-out in tricky conversations.

1:
'Where, on earth, did you manage to find naturally produced meat balls, Fiona?'

'In Sainsburys.'

2:
'I assume you've remembered me in your will?'

'Naturally.'

by Albert Woods December 9, 2008

Diarreah

1:
Another example of the Americans mangling the English language. Should be:- Diarrhoea.

2:
As stated above, liquid shits.

'Sorry Lord Puttnam, I can't make it to the Oscars. I've got diarreah.'

'No you haven't, my dear. You've got diarrhoea.'

'Oh... that's ok then. I'll be there at 7.'

by Albert Woods December 15, 2008

Shuftee

Noun and Verb.

N: A shuftee - sexual deviant (of either sex) who gains gratification from sniffing recently-used ladies bicycle saddles in hot weather.

Vb: To shuftee - To place the flared nostrils on the horn of a freshly-used ladies bicycle saddle on a sweltering hot day, inhale deeply through the nose and collapse in a miasma of orgasmic delight.

N:
'Just look at him coming all over her rear mudguard: the filthy shuftee'

Vb:
'How dare you shuftee my Raleigh Superior!'
'Is it yours, Miss Widdecombe? Oh God - I thought it belonged to Miss Lumley.'

by Albert Woods December 9, 2008