Pre-Emptive Deep-Sea Diving is when, after taking an enormous shit, you pre-emptively
stick your hand down in the toilet
water and break up the gigantic turd BEFORE you flush, therefore avoiding an embarrasing overflow situation. Suffice to say, some prepartion is necessary. (If the situation around Uranus requires you to wipe immediately, just "stage" the used toilet
paper (
TP) on the edge of the bowl and flush them AFTER the crisis has resolved itself. Otherwise, wipe later. 1) Wad up a bunch of
TP ahead of time, to be used to
clean off your shit-stained finger tips after you've done the deed. 2)
Pull your pants half-way up, just in case there is a flood. 3) DIVE!, DIVE!, DIVE! Stick that hand right down in there and start breaking that turd up. Don't be afraid to overdo it. 4) DON'T WIPE YOUR FINGERS OFF YET! Use your
clean hand to flush, then quickly cross your fingers for good luck. 5) If all goes well, you've successfully dropped the Cosby Kids off at the pool. Congratulations! If it didn't work, skip Step 6 and proceed immediately to Step 7. 6) Use your pre-saved wad of
TP to clean your fingers off, then drop the used
TP in the bowl. Proceed to wipe your butt (or if you've pre-wiped, tap in the used
TP) and drop the
TP in the (now) nearly empty bowl. Whew! 7) If the poop break up did not work (or you were too
pussy to do it!), quickly hobble out of the stall to the next stall and finish your paperwork there. Act innocent.
Ollie: Well, Stan, that was a delightful and quite filling meal. Now, if you'll just excuse me for a moment.
Stan: Don't forget about Pre-Emptive Deep-Sea Diving! (smiles sheepishly and scratches
top of head).
Ollie: Indeed.
