Monititis, commonly known as “
computer poisoning,” occurs when a patient is subjugated, either through occupational obligation, or—shockingly and more commonly—through his own free
will, to endless hours of staring directly at a monitor, including those of computers, televisions, smartphones, and similar devices. Common symptoms of this rapidly spreading virus include headache, nausea, vomiting, brain damage, obesity, and frying of the retina, with more severe symptoms including vision loss, heart failure,
depression, employment loss, loss of
friendship, loss of a social life in general, and an overall rapid decay in moral character.
More troubling, however, are recent studies concluding decisively that patients spending more than 4 hours/day in front of the
computer are likely to experience an inexplicable yet overwhelming need to devote the rest of their day to similar activities, rendered hopelessly impotent in preventing further damage.
Monititis, either mild or severe, has been found in a staggering
86% of adults aged
18-50 tested in the United States, with infection rates disproportionately higher in males aged
18-24. Scientific studies have also, disturbingly, shown that 95% of infected patients are wholly unaware of their ailment. In
rare cases, a patient may consciously discover the cause of discomfort; however, most of these patients
will quickly, suddenly, and irreversibly forget their ascertainment, again rendering them helpless in taking reparative action.
Sick Guy: Owww…….fuck!
Healthy Guy: What’s wrong, dude?
Sick Guy: Monititis, man. I can’t
fucking see
straight anymore.
Healthy Guy: What the
hell is monititis?
---five-second pause---
Sick Guy (angry and confused): What?!? What are you talking about?
Healthy Guy: Dude, you just said like five seconds ago that you were suffering from moni—
Sick Guy: Please, if you would EXCUSE me, somebody just added me on Facebook!
