Curb Hermits (noun) —
A subspecies of urban cryptid known for their sacred ritual of chain-smoking Marlboros on the same section of curb every day like it’
s their personal throne of apathy.
These nicotine-powered philosophers emerge from unknown crevices at odd hours to contemplate life, loudly overshare trauma, and yell “you got a
light?” at passing pigeons. Their natural enemies include: showers, employment, and any form of productive behavior.
Found primarily outside gas stations, 24-hour liquor stores, and anywhere
weed smells like
regret, Curb Hermits operate on a strict diet of American Spirits, Monster Energy, and unmedicated
chaos.
Do not approach unless you’
re offering a cigarette, gossip, or existential despair.