Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation (QPR)
A questionable but passionately delivered life-saving technique involving vaginal
air and teamwork.
When someone flatlines during extreme recreational activities (
e.g. clam baking, over-zooted on edibles, or just watching The Notebook too hard), QPR is your go-to. It involves forcefully blasting air into the unconscious subject’
s lungs using a high-pressure vaginal exhale (aka a power
queef), while simultaneously delivering rapid compressions to the dangle-
dong to keep blood circulating.
For best results, QPR should be a two-person operation:
Primary Rescuer: Handles the
queef-to-mouth ventilation.
Secondary "Fluffer": Keeps the beef bayonet at full mast to maintain blood flow.
This advanced maneuver is also known in medical bro-circles as MTQPR — Manage Troi
Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation — named after the Star Trek hottie heroine who somehow always looked
like she was one deep breath away from saving lives in space.
Warning: May revive the body but kill the dignity.
Johnny full-on flatlined
mid hotbox while clam baking, but luckily Suzzie—certified in QPR (
Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation, obviously)—straddled him like a heroic
fart phoenix and blasted life back into his lungs with a power queef so strong it registered on the Richter scale.
