Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation (QPR)
A
questionable but passionately delivered life-saving technique involving vaginal air and teamwork.
When someone flatlines during extreme recreational activities (e.g. clam baking, over-zooted on edibles, or just
watching The Notebook too hard), QPR is your go-to. It involves forcefully blasting air into the unconscious subject’s lungs using a high-pressure vaginal exhale (aka a power queef), while
simultaneously delivering rapid compressions to the dangle-dong to keep blood circulating.
For best results, QPR should be a two-person operation:
Primary Rescuer: Handles the queef-to-mouth ventilation.
Secondary "Fluffer": Keeps the beef bayonet at full mast to maintain blood flow.
This advanced maneuver is also known in medical bro-circles as MTQPR — Manage Troi Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation — named after the Star Trek hottie heroine who somehow always looked like she was one deep breath away from saving lives in space.
Warning: May revive the body but kill the dignity.
Johnny full-on flatlined mid hotbox while clam baking, but luckily Suzzie—certified in QPR (Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation,
obviously)—straddled him like a heroic fart phoenix and blasted life back into his lungs with a
power queef so strong it registered on the
Richter scale.
