Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation (QPR)
A questionable but passionately delivered life-saving technique involving vaginal
air and teamwork.
When someone flatlines during extreme recreational activities (e.g. clam baking, over-
zooted on edibles, or just watching The Notebook too
hard), QPR is your
go-to. It involves forcefully blasting
air into the unconscious subject’s lungs using a
high-pressure vaginal exhale (aka a power queef), while simultaneously delivering rapid compressions to the dangle-dong to keep blood circulating.
For best results, QPR should be a two-person operation:
Primary Rescuer: Handles the queef-to-mouth ventilation.
Secondary "Fluffer": Keeps the beef bayonet at full mast to maintain blood flow.
This advanced maneuver is also known in medical bro-circles as MTQPR — Manage Troi Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation — named after the Star Trek hottie heroine who somehow always looked
like she was one deep breath away from saving lives in space.
Warning:
May revive the body but
kill the dignity.
Johnny full-on flatlined
mid hotbox while clam baking, but luckily Suzzie—certified in QPR (Queef Pulmonary Resuscitation, obviously)—straddled him
like a heroic
fart phoenix and blasted life back into his lungs with a power queef so strong it registered on the Richter scale.
