Masturbating
Choking the chicken
Beating the bishop
Slap boxing the one-eyed
champ
Taking matters into your own hands
Squeezing the cream from the flesh
twinkie
Having a date with Pam and her five
friends
Having a tug-o-war with the cyclops
"the five finger knuckle shuffle on the one-eyed, blue-veined, purple-headed, custard-chucking, salty yogurt slinger."