Colbert Absinthe-tinence Pledge 

A solemn promise to refrain from Absinthe ingestion to prevent the ear-severing, cubo-witticisms (or worse) that would inherently bloom. It is vowed as follows:

"I, (state your name), do hereby pledge to practice absinth-tinence by remaining absinth-tinent from Absinthe. Since Absinthe incidents in many instances induce incipient syn(es)thetic inspiration and sinsister synthetic insistence on sin, I sincerely insist I will be absent from instances of Absinthe ingestion, this instant.”

After completing the Absinthe ritual several times over with newly-made friends from Argentina, Quebec City and Gainesville, Florida (state your name) shot to his feet and bolted toward the waterfront and a club on the pier of beautiful Barcelona, in search of adventure. Little did he realise, he would end up having his balls grabbed by that dirty Spaniard Frank, leaning in for a kiss or something, all after inviting (state your name) back to his apartment to wait for his "hot journalist friends in little skirts" that didn't end up meeting him at the club. Waking up at his hostel late in the afternoon, (state your name)'s face was pale green-opalescent white like the colour of Absinthe mixed with water.

In hindsight, the Colbert Absinthe-tinence Pledge would have made a helluva lot of sense.

Colbert Absinthe-tinence Pledge by Blair Larratt November 19, 2007