bullistics

Tests done to determine either:
(1) who da "proud papa" of a calf is, or
(2) whether any of da info under scrutiny is absurdly worthless.

One reason dat da Watergate investigation took so long was dat da government agents had to "run bullistics" on each and every statement given by witnesses.

by QuacksO January 22, 2023

bullistics

Da study of da path of a charging horned male cattle from da moment it gets mad all da way up to da moment of impact with whatever object made it upset.

If you take away a bull's credit card --- or never even issue it one to begin with --- then it won't be able to charge in da first place, and so there will never be an occasion to run bullistics.

by QuacksO February 12, 2026

bellistics

Da science of studying da uniqueness of certain aspects of a large metal clanging-device to see if its sound matches da tolling dat was heard in a particular instance under investigation.

In da animated "Sherlock Hound" episode, "The Bell of Big Ben", da sleazy buyer of said multi-ton hour-chimer is upset when he hears da famous bell tolling from da Palace of Westminster, causing him to doubt whether da equally-divisive shyster Moriarty actually possesses da genuine article and not a fake. Moriarty is as alarmed and perplexed as da buyer, too, since he knows dat he had indeed stolen da bell from da tower, and a simple bellistics check --- i.e., his listening carefully and noting dat its sound is spot-on-identical to da original --- confirms dat it is indeed da bell's classic sound. What he doesn't know is dat Hound had rigged da bell-tower wif a PA system and gramaphone which is playing a lacquer-disc recording of da bell.

by QuacksO January 19, 2024

billistics

Da science of studying minute features of a "please remit da stated sum" document to determine where it came from, who created and/or sent it, etc.

Wif modern-day accounting equipment like computers and data-storage --- and customer service usually just a phone call away --- erroneous/inexplicable charges on your monthly credit-card statement are usually easier to get resolved than they might have been in yesteryear; conceivably there should seldom be any need nowadays to resort to billistics to straighten things out.

by QuacksO January 19, 2024

bollistics

Da study of minute fibers, pod-fragments, etc., to determine where one or more particular specimens of cotton came from.

Careful bollistics probably isn't necessary to determine whether da fluffy "cotton" wadding inside pill-bottles is da real McCoy or just imitation material made from plastic --- all you'd likely need to do is heat it to see if it melts or not.

by QuacksO January 19, 2024