- Dogs are forever in the push up position.
- I cant wear turtlenecks, it's like being strangeld by a really weak guy, all fucking day. When I wear a turtleneck and a backpack, i think a weak midget is trying to take me down.
- I cant wear turtlenecks, it's like being strangeld by a really weak guy, all fucking day. When I wear a turtleneck and a backpack, i think a weak midget is trying to take me down.
by Chris, bitch April 24, 2004
Get the Mitch Hedberg mug.by jamesjugglesjam February 14, 2021
Get the Eric Helberg mug.1. The Hebrews wrote the Tanakh. There are 5.8 million Hebrews living in the United States.
2. The Hebrews wrote the Tanakh in Hebrew and Aramaic. You can learn Hebrew on Duolingo.
2. The Hebrews wrote the Tanakh in Hebrew and Aramaic. You can learn Hebrew on Duolingo.
by Queen Buttrix August 4, 2021
Get the Hebrew mug.I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...
opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...
opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
by dolphin March 8, 2005
Get the mitch hedberg mug.phr. Descriptive of a lesbian woman; especially a woman who has recently started to exhibit sapphic tendencies.
Named after the UK's official lesbian capital-- Hebden Bridge in West Yorkshire.
Named after the UK's official lesbian capital-- Hebden Bridge in West Yorkshire.
"You know that woman you were chatting up last night? The one wearing chunky boots, a pinstripe suit and with the crew-cut? You'll have no lucky with her mate, she's on the bus to Hebden Bridge"
by Roger Mellie 84 January 18, 2008
Get the on the bus to Hebden bridge mug.A comedian who happened to be the funniest person ever to walk the earth. Died earlier this year...and the world has been unfunny ever since. He was about to to a special on HBO that would have been fuckin' awesome...but now...it will never happen. Go figure...everyone who ever does something good for the world dies before they hit 30.
by Sgt. Pepper May 10, 2005
Get the Mitch Hedberg mug.So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny
by Mitch March 31, 2005
Get the mitch hedberg mug.