Advice Monkey

A (usually quite arrogant, hypocritical and narcissistic) person who feels compelled to give other people tons of personal advice and perhaps even detailed instructions on how to live their lives. This person is always never in any sort of position to actually give advice, being almost defined by their poor choices and often barely functional or even dysfunctional in their own lives.

My friend Michael the Advice Monkey won't shut the fuck up with his advice on health and street smarts; he's also on several antidepressants and lives in a Section 8 apartment with his cat.

by ShinCookie August 3, 2016

Monkey Fucking

Adjective used to refer to a person usually male who will have sex with any woman. Someone who is so indiscriminate that they would fuck a female monkey. Eventually its use was broadened so that it became used to describe anyone whose habits are unpleasant, unsavoury or just plain weird.

"Malcolm, you are, without doubt, the most useless cunt eyed, shit-licking, monkey fucking, piss-brained, ass kissing, fuck witted WOSP in the world!"

by AKACroatalin March 28, 2015

cubicle monkey

Pronunciation Key (kyoob-ikel mung-kee)
n. pl. cubicle monkeys

An anonymous, soulless white-collar cubicle dweller.

Bob is a cubicle monkey. He works from nine to five doing God-knows-what under fluorescent lights in a moveable three-walled office.

by W. Elliott April 23, 2006

Brit Monkey

A way a tech support scammer calls someone from the United Kingdom

Scammer: are your from the UK
Victim: Yes I'm from the UK
Scammer: you pice of shit you a Brit Monkey

by BritMonkeyDextopHasWirus August 11, 2016

monkey rack

A hairy chest.

Geezzz, why not get some hair removal from that monkey rack!

by I, Wreckerrr November 21, 2016

swapping the monkey

a feat of stealth used by thieves to successfully pilfer items atop a pressure plate.

wife speaking to her husband: why is this coffee so weak, were you fucking swapping the monkey with your cup in the coffee maker again? that's it! we're getting a divorce!

by WordRepoMan January 15, 2013

Monkey Branching

Getting your next relationship set up before dumping your current S/O. Generally involves cheating (at least emotionally) on your current partner with the intended future partner. Refers to playing on the monkeybars, where you don't let go of the first bar until you've grabbed on the second.

Bill: "Well, your brother just sent the Save The Dates for his third marriage - they haven't even finalized the divorce yet!"

Joe: "Yeah, the monkey branching SOB did the same for his second marriage as well - all his relationships 'overlap,' if ya know what I mean."

OR

Joe: "Sue and I decided to try an open relationship."

Bill: "I dunno, sounds like she's monkey branching to her *next* relationship."

by Mai Ainsel March 25, 2022