13 definitions by Mai Ainsel

Her: "So my one night stand from 3 weeks ago hasn't called me, even though I gave him my number and my email. He didn't give me his real name or contact info, but he mentioned he was a professor, so I looked through the online faculty profiles of every university in 100 miles, and found his picture. I think he'd like to see me again but just lost my contact info. Should I email him at the work address I found on the faculty website, or just show up and surprise him after one of his classes? I think he'd like being surprised like that."

Friend: "No he wouldn't. That's a bunch of clitful thinking there - let it go."

Her: "Suzy hugged me last week, so she's definitely into me. Her husband isn't at the party, so I think I should try and make out with her."

Friend: "That's clitful thinking. She's not hitting on you."

Her: "Sorry, we have to cancel girls night. I forgot that Boyfriend has custody of his kids tonight and so I have to make them dinner, help them with their homework, and prepare their school lunch for tomorrow."

Friend: "Girl, he's using you as a bang nanny! DTMFA."

Person: "I'm sorry about that videoed incident of me screaming racial slurs at minorities! I just want you to know, that does not represent the sort of person I am."

Everyone Else: "Yeah, sure - it wasn't you, it was your alter ego, Countess Boochie Flagrante."

Person: "I'm sorry I fucked your husband and then, when when the affair became public, spread terrible rumors about you so that I'd look like less of a homewrecker. I want you to know, that's not who I really am."

Wife: "Ah yes! You didn't tell the neighborhood I was a bipolar valium addict, it was your famous alter-ego Countess Boochie Flagrante."

Person: "I'm sorry for embezzling from that children's charity! That's not who I really am!"

Everyone Else: "Countess Boochie Flagrante strikes again!"

Sue: "So I suggested maybe the girls from bookclub would like a movie night to see the film of the book we just read, and Karen kept going on about how we needed to check to make sure there weren't any triggers in the movie, and see if we needed to post a flashing-lights warning."

Bob: "Does anyone in the bookclub actually need that?"

Sue: "No. She just likes being a Not Everyone Can Eat Sandwiches pain in the ass."

Bob: "I hear you. I got a guy at the office who says it would be unfair to offer team lunches as a reward for people because it excludes those who practice intermittent fasting. We don't even have anyone that does that - but hey, he says one day we might, and then that person might feel excluded."

Bob: "The world is run by lizard people."

Sue: "There's no such thing as lizard people, but go off, I guess."

Sam: "So Bob shows up at my house randomly with some brown bananas and is like 'hey, you can use these to make banana bread,' and I'm like 'uh, ok, I don't really bake but thanks,' and then he invites himself in for an hour and asks to borrow $300."

Joe: "That's some prime favor sharking right there. But my mother in law is worse. She keeps buying us weird vases and knick-knacks we don't need and then calls us ungrateful if we don't spend hours on the phone with her saying thank you and talking about where we'll put them in the house. We keep asking her to stop but she won't.

"Bob keeps pretending to be friends with girls, then passive-aggressively trying to guilt them into dating him because he's such a Nice Guy. He's a real friendzone predator."