Real jesus

A dark-skinned man of Jewish, Israeli descent, in (two) lifetimes revealed himself as god's son, performed many miracles, spurned the beginning of a religion based upon his teachings and those if his father, commonly called the "almighty" or God. Also, he was crucified for his crimes against the caesar of the time's laws and wishes, as well as undermining his authoritah. Real Jesus is commonly misconceived as Jesus Christ and HIS apostles, a whiter, more bearded and thorny-headwear inclined modern interpretation of a clearly Israeli-born man. Jesus Christ, however, was more widely accepted due in no small part to the common skin tone of his followers.

God:Wait, guys, uh....my son wasn't that white...

Vatican:WHATCHU SAAAAAY????

God:No seriously, he was Israeli.

Vatican:Nuh-uh. This guy with the thorn headband is Jesus.

God:Oh, lol, no that's Jesus Christ. I'm talking about my son, Real Jesus. Get it straight.

Vatican:*with fingers crossed* okaaay, we promise we'll change it....

by MariaSharapova December 7, 2010

Jews for Jesus

Jews for Jesus. You can be a true Jew and love Jesus. Jesus was a Jew!

Jay is a big Jew for Jesus. He married Jesus because the big J is Jay’s bae.

When she prays, she prays to all the names of God and Jesus and more.

They held hands in bed and that’s all. Because Jews for Jesus.

by BeStill December 5, 2019

jesus and kfc

Code name for Anthony shoving his cock in a piece of chicken and using his piss as dipping sauce.

Wow that guys over there was pulling a Jesus and KFC.

by KFC Hangover February 19, 2015

Jesus lizarraga

Has the fattest cock out there just built different And usually an absolute unit

Bro he’s just Jesus Lizarraga

by Fax unit August 17, 2020

coachella jesus

The purposeful inebriation durung 3 day music weekend, that it replicates the absence of the savior of Christianity.

Note- use of pre-meditated choice to inflict cognitive absence.

And, like main stream Christianity, there will be no proof that you really left at all.

“Bro, Featherweight Tyler went SO free-spiritedly high AF last weekend, he left reality Friday and came to Monday morn. He’s , like, Coachella Jesus” he resurrected himself.

by Craig Rasputin May 26, 2018

Jesus Christ

My nigga, weee lovve jesus christ yeahhh jesussss fuck athiests lets go jesus lets goo god and jesuus man nghgfnfhdndj

Jesus: I am christ
Smart people : yayyy my nigga brooo jesus christ
Athiest fucktard: fake
Smart people : *pop that nigga ass*

by TheEarthIsFlatIdiotsUGH April 6, 2022

jesus hammond

a modern take on the apocryphal ' jesus christ'. jesus hammond has its roots in the playstation gaming culture of the noughties. use as a non swearing, non elitist statement of frustration.

character one. "what keys? i aint got no keys".
character two.(frustrated) "jesus hammond".

by orangebuzz2000 January 5, 2008