Stormsworder's definitions

brazilian wandering spider

Brazilian wandering spider is the name used to describe any spider of the genus phoneutria. There are five in total, and they are large hairy spindly-looking spiders with leg-spans which can reach up to 5 inches or more. Two pairs of their eight eyes are large, and they do not make webs, instead go hunting for prey. This can cause problems, as they have the most active venom of any living spiders. One of their number, the Brazilian Huntsman, is thought to be the most venomous spider in the world. Brazilian wandering spiders are certainly dangerous, bite more people than any other spiders. They are fast-moving, their legs are strong and spiny and they have destinctive red jaws which they display when angered. These spiders are quite capable of jumping onto a broom used to fend them off, can also leap out of banana bunches carried over the shoulder and bite whoever is carrying the fruit. One species, the Brazilian Armed Spider, is quite amazingly aggressive and has the largest venom glands of any spider. Since the introduction of anti-toxins, there have been few recorded fatalities, and finding one of these spiders in imported fruit is unlikely what with modern safety precautions. the name Brazilian wandering spider is actually inaccurate, as these spiders are found all over South America.

It's worth pointing out that a Brazilian wandering spider is not a tarantula. They're not even in the same family group. Tarantulas are harmless to humans, are mostly ambush killers who wait for prey to come to them. Brazilian wandering spiders are active hunters. Brazilian wandering spiders and tarantulas do have one thing in common, however. They don't eat bananas. I'm quite amazed people think this is the case.

by StormSworder August 16, 2006

ids

Quite possibly the most boring, aimless, pointless individual ever to be elected leader of any British political party. His becoming leader of the Conservatives led to there being, for the first time in history, no waxwork made of the official leader of the opposition. Apparently they agreed he was a total non-entity and couldn't be bothered to make a waxwork of him. I read somewhere a cardboard cut-out of IDS was made. It probably had more charisma than he did.

IDS - living proof the Tories are never going to be elected into power again ever.

by StormSworder August 15, 2006

loch ness monster

An unidentified animal living in Loch Ness, the largest body of fresh water in Britain. It first came to the attention of the general public in the thirties when a London surgeon R.K.Wilson took a photo of what looked like the head-and-neck of a dinosaur-like creature. What with The Lost World and RKO's King Kong in the cinema, there was an explosion in public interest. The monster's image, however, was to be forever tainted by the pantomime which followed, in which a game big hunter called Wetherall came to Loch Ness and discovered footprints on the shore. The tracks turned out to have been made by a hippo foot, which was some kind of ashtray or other keepsake. What kind of a big game hunter couldn't work out that they were all hippo tracks made by the same foot I don't know, but he left Loch Ness. In 1994 the now-famous surgeon's photo turned out to be a fake, a model on a toy submarine made by Wetherall - revenge on the world that mocked him. Over the years there have been a number of photos and films of unidentified creatures in Loch Ness. Some have been proved as fakes (to be honest, I wasn't surprised when the surgeon's photo turned out to be a fake. I'd always thought there was something odd about it). But there is still strong film evidence and a lot of eye-witness evidence to support the existence of a long-necked animal of some kind. Modern scientists often dismiss eye-witness evidence as non-evidence. I'm glad they're not running the judicial system, otherwise they'd have every prisoner released. What doesn't help is a decidedly vulgar merchandising industry which has turned the monster into nothing more than a theme park attraction. The official Loch Ness exhibition centre now officially doesn't believe in Nessie anyway. Their cinema now shows visitors a film telling of all the reasons why Nessie is a hoax, accompanied by silly music. You leave the cinema at the end of the film and are then confronted by a shop selling plush Nessies, Nessie mugs, china Nessies, Nessies with tartan hats and endless other over-priced junk. Personally I'm sure there were unidentified animals in Loch Ness until recent years. I think, what with their proven sensitivity to noise, and what with Loch Ness now covered in countless noisy boats of every shape and form, that whatever was in the Loch has either died out or returned to the sea never to return. Either way, I think it's better for the welfare of these creatures that their existence is never proved.

Newsflash, 3/4/2011:
The existence of long-necked creatures in Loch Ness has been proved. Now every science laboratory in the world wants one to dissect. Every zoo wants one, and every gourmand in the world wants to taste the flesh of one in some revoltingly over-priced restaurant.
Within the year, the loch ness monster will be as dead as dodos and Stellar's sea cows.

by StormSworder August 16, 2006

Tittybangbang

Proof that the BBC couldn't give a toss about its audience. They refused to make any more series of decent shows like Red Dwarf and yet churn out dreck like this. Basically each show consists of the same characters telling the same jokes. Shows like this can work if the characters have depth to them and there's something to laugh at other than just mind-numbing catchphrases (Little Britain, for example, the funniest sketch show in many years). But here we have one-dimensional characters you couldn't care less about, swearing and obscenities as an alternative to humour and sketches like Salty Tales, the Rasta fans and the movie stars which don't seem to have any kind of point to them at all. The real shame is that, with two female leads who can do a wide range of characters and a star-studded supporting cast, this could have been great. Unfortunately someone forgot that comedy sketch shows are actually supposed to be funny.

Due to the unique way the BBC is funded by you, the licence-payer, we can show shit like Tittybangbang and don't even bother if nobody watches it because we'll still have got your money.

by Stormsworder June 22, 2009

Internet hardman

An internet hardman is someone who goes online in chat rooms, message boards and the like and insults, belittles and abuses other people. His avatar will probably be some image that gives the impression he's a hardcase, and he'll probably have some tagline like "Shut the fuck up" or "Who you dissin" or "When the master's talking you shut it". But if you were to meet this person face to face you would probably find he is either a skinny or dumpy nerd with thick glasses and his vest tucked into his skidmark-stained y-fronts, has no social life to speak of, has a relationship with a collection of porno mags and has never spoken to a girl.

"I am the Internet Hardman. You are a sad loser and an idiot".
"Fuck off back to your smelly bedroom, you no-life waste of space".

by Stormsworder June 23, 2009

education

Education is what the current UK government and its puppet-masters want only the children of the rich to have. Britain is in very real danger of ending up with an entire generation of uneducated underclass. The middle school I went to years ago was practically a borstal, where bullying went ignored, where teachers either blamed the victims or carried on smoking their cigarettes. The deputy headmaster was a stroppy, loud-mouthed oaf and the headmistress was a poisonous old witch who threw people out of assembly for not standing up quickly enough. People were reprimanded for being late, but I can remember being sent to see the deputy head who told me off (naughty boy, arriving late indeed, etc) and then arriving at class for registration to find out the teacher hadn't arrived yet. Said teacher was forever late, and we had to stand outside the building waiting for her to arrive to let us into class no matter what the weather was like. Once she turned up, tardy as ever, saying "you're late, class". In another school everyone was called to assambly once to be given a stern lecture about bad language. That had real moral authority, considering more than one teacher used the f-word in front of the class. I don't know quite what those schools are like by now. I shudder to think. I know of teachers who say how impossible to teach anyone. What with the 'rights without responsibility' culture which goes hand-in-hand with New Labour, no teacher is allowed to reprimand any bully or disruptive individual.

So I'm sure school teaches us. It teaches us that authority is a case of hypocrisy and double-standards, that the guilty are rewarded and the innocent made to feel they are worthless scum.

These days standards have fallen to the point where this country's education system is the laughing stock of the world. Once it was the envy of everyone. People with the money to do so all used to come to the UK to be educated in our universities. Now, thanks to a succession of useless governments, everyone in the UK with the money to do so goes abroad to university. Tony Bliar and his masters con the public into thinking the UK's children are educated by making exams so easy a 5-year-old can attain a dozen A-stars (despite calling for education to be down to the lowest denominator, New Labour ministers send their own children to expensive private schools). And only the rich can go to university. Anyone else will find themselves in debt for the rest of their natural lives.

"Here's a piece of education. This school was named after a lord mayor".
"Good grief. If he was alive today he'd sue the place for every penny. Fancy having your name associated with a dump like that".

by Stormsworder November 16, 2006

crash bandicoot

Star of many video games, Crash Bandicoot was one of the victims of the power-mad Dr Neo Cortex, who tried to cause rapid evolution in animals in order to turn them into his army of heavies. Crash, together with his sister Coco Bandicoot and their friend Crunch Bandicoot, are now dedicated to putting a spoke in every wheel of evil plotting Cortex dreams up. The best games in Crash's history, in my view, are 'Cortex Strikes Back' and 'Twinsanity'. In the latter, Crash was forced to team up with Cortex in order to foil the plans of two power-mad birds (who were former pets of Cortex).

Cortex: I'll destroy you and take over this world.

Crash Bandicoot: Uh....

Cortex: I shall be the supreme being of the universe!

Crash: Uh....

Cortex: You've a real way with words, do you know that?!

by StormSworder August 13, 2006