McCririck's unlucky Laundress's definitions

plastic paddy

Noun: Term of abuse for someone who feigns being Irish when convenient. E.g. An entirely British person who in 1994, on realising that England had not made it to the soccer World Cup, had no one to cheer for and found green blood in their veins for as long as Republic of Ireland were still in with a chance.

What happened to your England shirt, you plastic paddy?
No, I'm Irish. Honest.
On which side?
Err... both. My Mum's cousin's got an Irish setter and my Dad was conceived in the County Kilburn. Guinness spritzer with a dash of Baileys please barman, cheers. Bejazus!

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

Chocolate Police

Chocolate Police (noun) Governing force to regulate and prevent the consumption of chocolate. Resides within the super-ego of the human subconscious. Singles out women and attacks them viciously, using guilt as a weapon. More likely to punish after the crime than to deter beforehand.

At the supermarket in the confectionery aisle:
Unknown shopper: - Shuffle -
Nancy (turning, sharply; dropping jumbo bar of Cadbury’s): “Ohh!!!”
Unknown shopper: “Errr… are you alright?”
Nancy: “Sorry. I thought you were the Chocolate Police.”

Later, in the car:
Mikey: “You’ll be sorry later on.”
Nancy: “Shut up.” - Chomp - “Just let me enjoy it.” - Slurp -
Mikey: “The Chocolate Police will get you.”
Nancy: “I know.” - Munch - “I’ll deal with them later. Mmmm!”

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress August 9, 2008

duracell

Nickname or term of abuse for a person with ginger hair. Comes from the 1980s UK TV advert "Duracell, with the copper-coloured top: no ordinary battery looks like it or lasts like it."

Oi! Duracell, you are intrinsically unattractive. How did your ginger, freckled ancestor ever succeed in passing on their genes?

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

permatan

The condition of a white person having tanned skin all the year round. There are two forms:
1) Rock star; TV personality; model; other wealthy person to whom an appearance of wellbeing is an inherent part of their lifestyle. Condition obtained by chasing the Summer round the globe. Looks natural.
2) Chav; trailer trash; mediocre prostitute; middle-aged woman who wears leather trousers. Condition obtained through roasting one's skin under a UV lamp. Result looks a bizarre shade of orange and ages the skin prematurely.

Jason "What's that big white ring among the wrinkles on the side of your neck?"
Shaz "Oh shit! I forgot to take my giant hoop earrings off when I was getting my permatan."

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

gentleman's relish

Noun: Spunk, jism, come baby gravy. There is actually a brand of anchovy paste in Britain called The Gentleman's Relish - Patum Peperium. Coincidentally, it's rather salty.

Do you like the taste of Gentleman's Relish, babe?
Don't know, never tried it.
Open wide. What's your name by the way?

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

JMT

Noun: Jamaican Mean Time. A timescale that shifts everything back by up to two and a half hours.

A true story follows.
White, British people looking at their invitations: "I've been here over an hour. Are you sure we've got the right church?"
Pastor, of Caribbean origin: "What you folks doin' here? Bride ain't even be in her dress yet."
White, British people looking at their invitations: "But it says two o'clock."
Pastor, of Caribbean origin: "Chill it my friends. We run tings on JMT. Soon come, soon come."

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

cor-blimey

Interjection: "May God blind me!" was once a serious oath, not sworn in anything but earnest. It's shortening was partly to avoid offence and partly for brevity. See also gawd blimey.

Part of a song by Lonnie Donegan:
'Oh, my old man's a dustman,
He wears a dustman's hat,
He wears cor-blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat...'

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005