Jack Atrophy's definitions

red rimmer

When you wipe to the point of bleeding.

Dude! Can you buy a new brand of toilet paper!? I'm giving myself a red rimmer every other shit.

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

problemaddict

An individual who hunts eagerly for things to be offended by. Such individuals are often very 'woke' and insufferable. They consider most behavior to be 'problematic' and worthy of harsh censure.

These people are ill and require treatment.

We must help these people.

"Have you heard? Zephyr is in rehab..."

"What for?"

"They were a closet problemaddict who couldn't stop moralizing about petty things on Twitter."

"Good for them."

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

litter thug

A punk ass bitch who keeps throwing shit in my yard.

Listen, I saw you do it last week. I let it go. Then I saw you do it again yesterday. STOP THROWING YOUR FUCKING MCDONALD'S WRAPPERS IN MY YARD!!! You are being a litter thug.

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

late crime

When you are so egregiously late for an appointment or event that it is considered criminal.

Patient: Hello, I'm Jack. I'm here for my teeth cleaning appointment.

Dental Receptionist: Your appointment was at 8:00 AM. It is now 4:56 PM. You have committed a late crime. I'm calling the police.

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

teach impediment

The disorder that afflicts public school teachers who are hopelessly incompetent at their job. Also known as pedagogical paralysis.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Hughes has a teach impediment. You will not be learning any algebra in her class this year.

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

pedagogical paralysis

A disorder that prevents teachers from performing their job competently.

See teach impediment.

My teacher suffers from pedagogical paralysis. That is why I aren't can speak goodly.

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

father fap

What's happening in the other room when you hear very loud moaning coming from your dad's laptop speakers before he frantically turns down the volume.

Brother: Where's dad? He just disappeared...

Sister: I don't know. He's probably having a father fap or something.

by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022