Definitions by Hifalutin!
Mount Titerest
“Shoot, they’re out of stock,” Desiree told Prima as the pals cruised aisle 8 in CVS. “They told me the Hollywood Breast Lift Tape would be in today!”
Prima offered what comfort she could. “Desiree, Lawson will jump your bones regardless of flop sweat. You don’t need to climb Mount Titerest. Remember how it used to be when you were first hooking up.”
“Right,” Desiree countered smugly, “He loved my big mama foomfy teats.”
“Nipple rouge is a thing, isn’t it?” teenager Sally shyly asked Mother Goose, pulling her away from the other kids at St. Catherine’s Center for Youth. “’Cause Jayden and I have a date for the walk-in later and I just feel… too pale.”
“No worries, hon, we don’t have to scale Mount Titerest,” said Mother Goose. She prided herself on her ability to “relate.” “I have some frozen raspberries I’ve been saving for the right moment. You’ll taste good, too!”
Prima offered what comfort she could. “Desiree, Lawson will jump your bones regardless of flop sweat. You don’t need to climb Mount Titerest. Remember how it used to be when you were first hooking up.”
“Right,” Desiree countered smugly, “He loved my big mama foomfy teats.”
“Nipple rouge is a thing, isn’t it?” teenager Sally shyly asked Mother Goose, pulling her away from the other kids at St. Catherine’s Center for Youth. “’Cause Jayden and I have a date for the walk-in later and I just feel… too pale.”
“No worries, hon, we don’t have to scale Mount Titerest,” said Mother Goose. She prided herself on her ability to “relate.” “I have some frozen raspberries I’ve been saving for the right moment. You’ll taste good, too!”
Mount Titerest by Hifalutin! February 5, 2022
My Nicest Mask
“It’s a glitter bomb, what can I say,” tear-streaked Angie apologizes as she steps out of Frank E. Campbell funeral home “– it’s My Nicest Mask.”
“It might only be Spirit,” Guppy explained, “but after postponing this trip for two years I am sure gonna put on My Nicest Mask—and eat any damn in-flight non-GMO peanuts they provide.”
“It might only be Spirit,” Guppy explained, “but after postponing this trip for two years I am sure gonna put on My Nicest Mask—and eat any damn in-flight non-GMO peanuts they provide.”
My Nicest Mask by Hifalutin! February 5, 2022
Zoom broom
Eliminating the background distractions.
“Denise,” went the text from my boss last Sunday, “when we do the meetup with Amway could you please do a zoom broom on your so-called office -- jettison the vibrators, the pogo stick, the pink silk thingie hanging just on screen. The signed blowup of Bono from ’98 too. We don’t want Chris to think we’re wack. Oh, and could you make sure that snot-nosed Berry doesn’t poke her face in?”
“Shithead,” I replied under my breath, “It’s not Zoom, it’s WebEx. It's not Berry, it's Valley. Plus, I only accept texted managerial counsel of under 10 words.”
To prep for the interview (for the job he didn’t even want, but it would pay for tacos) Panda did a quick zoom broom in the study he “shared” with mama, backlighting the Mac and taking down the hanging hooked rug depicting a bald eagle descending upon a Hudson River ice floe. Darn these Zoom gigs, he thought, feeling pretty sure he’d have to shave his soul patch.
“Shithead,” I replied under my breath, “It’s not Zoom, it’s WebEx. It's not Berry, it's Valley. Plus, I only accept texted managerial counsel of under 10 words.”
To prep for the interview (for the job he didn’t even want, but it would pay for tacos) Panda did a quick zoom broom in the study he “shared” with mama, backlighting the Mac and taking down the hanging hooked rug depicting a bald eagle descending upon a Hudson River ice floe. Darn these Zoom gigs, he thought, feeling pretty sure he’d have to shave his soul patch.
Zoom broom by Hifalutin! February 5, 2022
Maskmuffle
“I’m sorry you had to wait on that frigid corner,” I told Tobee again when we were home in our warm drop seats. “I said East Second street, you heard East Seventh. It was a maskmuffle.”
“If you invoke the maskmuffle excuse one more time,” Tobee said, “I will pour this mulled cider on your wig!”
Sweetums-Angelica didn’t know if her dear old mother ignored her when she directed her to put the cow’s milk in the SubZero, or if it was just another case of mask muffle.
“If you invoke the maskmuffle excuse one more time,” Tobee said, “I will pour this mulled cider on your wig!”
Sweetums-Angelica didn’t know if her dear old mother ignored her when she directed her to put the cow’s milk in the SubZero, or if it was just another case of mask muffle.
Maskmuffle by Hifalutin! February 5, 2022
The Big Excuse
“I hated all those bleeping webinars,” snaps Micro, “and the boss would always check the Zoom chat to see who actively attended. Now I beg off with The Big Excuse, saying it’s long-haul and I’m too foggy to grok what’s going on. She was sensitive about it. Ha!”
“Swim meets always drove me bonkers,” says Bailey. “But Cypress cried if I didn’t go – until I duped her with The Big Excuse, saying that mommies who’d had Delta had to stay home and rest, and nanny Martha could support a little princess’s backstroke just fine.”
“Swim meets always drove me bonkers,” says Bailey. “But Cypress cried if I didn’t go – until I duped her with The Big Excuse, saying that mommies who’d had Delta had to stay home and rest, and nanny Martha could support a little princess’s backstroke just fine.”
The Big Excuse by Hifalutin! February 5, 2022
Wetsnap
A tough season in which you might need a little extra antiseptic assistance, whether mental or physical.
Ms. Jerri left a top seat at Interpol under a cloud but with her head held high: “It’ll pass,” she writes primly in a personal email. “Nothing but a trifling wetsnap.”
“We’re packing for Armageddon,” BooBoo pronounced as he dumped sand out of his shoe. “Marcy, round up the H2O, SPF30plus, wild-sourced grits, a pair of good tweezers and plenty of first-batch Vitamin D in case we hit a wetsnap. I’ll go hotwire the neighbor’s Volvo.”
“We’re packing for Armageddon,” BooBoo pronounced as he dumped sand out of his shoe. “Marcy, round up the H2O, SPF30plus, wild-sourced grits, a pair of good tweezers and plenty of first-batch Vitamin D in case we hit a wetsnap. I’ll go hotwire the neighbor’s Volvo.”
Wetsnap by Hifalutin! February 4, 2022
Ridickulous
It was time to quit the Ramble, Panda knew, when the ridickulous combover next to him on the bench cleared his throat, put a hand on The Good One’s Carhartted knee and began to praise the Norway maples. Panda just went there for the birds.
Archie said, "I may be intersex and whatever, but that doesn't mean I appreciated ridickulous purple-tanned Brad in a rainbow speedo bouncing up behind me last summer at Cherries On the Bay."
Archie said, "I may be intersex and whatever, but that doesn't mean I appreciated ridickulous purple-tanned Brad in a rainbow speedo bouncing up behind me last summer at Cherries On the Bay."
Ridickulous by Hifalutin! February 4, 2022