8 definitions by Brandywine

Generation X. People born between 1962 and 1975, for whom the original "Sesame Street" children's television program was invented. If during your childhood, the original version of "Sesame Street" was in its original run (i.e., not re-runs), and if you were of the correct age for it to be relevant to you, and to learn from it, you are a member of Generation X. If you were in childhood when "Sesame Street" was being re-run on PBS, or watched it on VHS or DVD, you are Generation Y. Despite his surprised claim to the contrary, pretending to not know what it means, Daily Show host Jon Stewart is a Generation X'er, as is his former senior correspondent, Stephen Colbert.

Claims that Generation Y and not Generation X gets "most of its news from" The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are not true. Generation Y prefers to get its news via online and text sources. Generation X, famously scornful of everything and distrustful of anything, is Daily Show's primary audience and shares its cynicism.

Similarly, if you can remember seeing Idi Amin Dada actually alive on television and are not over the age of fifty, you are a Generation X'er. If he was deposed and dead by the time you first heard about him, you are Generation Y. For those unsure, Idi Amin Dada was the 1970's version of Osama bin Laden and was reviled and feared in the media exactly as frequently as bin Laden is today. The difference between the two is, Dada was never an ally of the Bush Administration and was an actual threat to democracy somewhere (actually, Uganda).

Thirdly and finally, if you were around to see the premiere episode of "Saturday Night Live" in 1975 on NBC, and if you remember Jim Henson's muppets making frequent appearances on the show, and you are not over the age of fifty, you are indeed a Generation X'er.

This condition similarly applies to remembering the "Sesame Street" era when Oscar The Grouch was orange in color and Grover was brown.

If you remember these moments, you are a Generation X'er. Bert and Ernie, by the way, are not having sex with each other, and it was never suggested by Henson and Oz that they were. Contrary to popular opinion, men can actually live together and share a friendship as roommates. Gay men can also - "gasp" - be platonic friends. To assert that Ernie and Bert are not platonic is actually kind of an attack on male friendship... which DOES exist. Ernie and Bert were based on "The Odd Couple", a Neil Simon-penned play that became a hit television sensation similar in popularity during the late Sixties to "Sex and The City" during the aughties. Henson and Oz intended no gay innuendo in the characters, and today's preoccupation with the sexual activities of two children's show mascots is a sad commentary on the world we X'ers have to live in.

Viva X.
"I hate the term 'Generation X'. I prefer to be called 'The Sesame Street generation'. It's less trendy."
by Brandywine September 22, 2006
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Juvenile or immature. From the popular children's drinking device 'a sippy cup', made with a covered lid with narrow built-in sipping slot to prevent spillage. Toddlers drink the beverage inside via the narrow slot, and the drink is almost impossible for them to spill because of the cup's design.
"God, look at those girls over there wearing Elmo-t-shirts at the mall. What, are they six or something?"
"Yeah, like that is so sippy cup already."

or

"What was it with rappers all wearing pacifiers and baggy toddler clothes a few years ago?"
"Yeah! Like was that sippy cup, or what?"
by Brandywine September 22, 2006
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Smug patriotic newsanchorliness. A hidden, invisible but extremely palpable, perceptible Dark Jedi Power possessed mostly by members of the mainstream media, and poked fun at carefully by Stephen Colbert.

Gravitas is difficult to define, but you know it when you're seeing it. Defining characteristics: deep, orotund Midwestern broadcast voice; suggestive pauses and stresses on certain words and phrases, such as "terror", "patriotism", "homeland", and "national security"; a piercing gaze from a somewhat lowered head facing camera; a sidelong gaze that says, "America, you can trust me, you should trust me, and if you don't you're probably a liberal sympathizer to terrorists"; neatly cut dark hair, above-average height, and a rugged masculine jaw; and a name like Stone Phillips.
Deceased Canadian ABC World News Tonight anchor Peter Jennings is the only known post-Walter Cronkite mainstream media news personality who used gravitas for ethical purposes. His level of gravitas was the highest since that of Cronkite. No living anchor yet has surpassed it.

Some news anchorwomen possess gravitas, such as Linda Ellerbee, but they are often assumed lesbian or shrill and do not last long, despite their credentials and professionalism. American news anchorwomen are often offered perkiness as its substitute, and eagerly take it. Samantha Bee does not know this, being Canadian, and continues to promote a weird hybrid of the two, perkitas, on The Daily Show instead.

Personalities who possess "accidental gravitas":

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell
Former mayor Jerry Springer
U.S. District Attorney and Investigator Patrick Fitzgerald
ABC TV host Tom Bergeron

Gravitas developing rapidly:

Comedy Central star Stephen Colbert
Ascending TV superhostess Meredith Vieira

Personalities with weak or undeveloped gravitas:

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger
Comedy Central star Jon Stewart
Comedy Central star Rob Corddry

Those who eerily possess none:

MSNBC news host Tucker Carlson
Perky TV hostess Kelly Ripa
Former Daily Show alumnus Mo Rocca
"Last night, Stone Phillips and Stephen Colbert locked jousting lances in yet another gravitas tournament. As usual, Stephen lost; because Stone Phillips is the Dark Sith Master of gravitas, and none yet can defeat him."
by Brandywine September 22, 2006
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Hyper-active, hyper-sexed, ADD-affected psychopath crack baby offspring of Baby Boomers, also known in popular parlance as Generation Y. Let me tell you about them. Ah, let me riff... Generation Y: the girls are all whores, have a tattoo on their backs somewhere (usually the small of the back, and it is a dragon, a fairy, or round and tribal), and like to dress as fairies. They actually own homemade wings somewhere in their homes: ALL OF THEM DO. CHECK AND SEE. The males all shear off their hair, dress like toddler thugs and have rims on their cars. Both genders think electronic devices and appliances are clothing accessories and like to decorate them up with itty glittery stars and other twinkly bullshit. Some of them actually name their fucking cell phones.

Think they invented emo when actually Generation X did and called it, um, goth thank you very much? They make new contacts instantly over the internet and then call these people "friends" even though they've never met them in person. The females all call themselves lesbian yet fall in love with and sleep with men. If you call them bisexual for doing this, they call you homophobic. The males all call themselves straight but often wake up with a dick in their mouths. All are promiscuous as hell and suffer herpes. They are also all on psychological medication of some kind. They love to congregate on massive boards where they can all whine amongst each other about the trials and tribulations of being on whatever med it is. Generation Y is very tribal and will form a snobbish, exclusionary "clique" over ANYTHING. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. What bands they like. What clothes they wear. Imagining Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert sucking each other's dicks for whatever reason. (For real. Check out the tds_rps sites: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT.) What meds they're on. What meds their dog is on. Especially cats. If they're suffering it, and one more Gen Y is suffering it, and they happen to meet on one site, voila: a new clique is born.

Generation Y children refer to their parents by their parents' first names, order their parents around, swear their parents out, and think nothing of it. Their parents think nothing of it too, because most of the time they're tpp spaced out shagging their dogs or chanting next to some guru while their brat kid's spending their money to notice they just got served by something they sputumed out of their twats back in the Duran Duran days.

Most Generation Y kids deserve a good hard bitchslap.

Generation Y females like to wear tight pants hanging off their flat asses and that show off what color thong they're wearing. They believe exploiting themselves sexually and tricking themselves out is "female empowerment". They consider themselves feminists and will slice another woman's head off in an argument, but quickly cuddle up to the only man in the chatroom and will spend days tabulating their depression on LiveJournal, MySpace or Facebook caused by the man not reciprocating their love. A few more years of this and by 30 all that hooker shit will be nothing but residue and a bitterness men will detect from outside the solar system. Generation Y people most fear Generation X sneering at them "I told you so..." All Generation Y people have a MySpace page somewhere. Every single one of them. There are no exceptions. They ALL do. The ones who don't have one, have a LJ account and just forgot they bookmarked their MySpace page and that they have one. They each have 13 billion "friends" in cyberspace who are friends only because the definition of "friend", to Generation Y, is not someone who's got your back and supports you in real life in the real world, but is instead someone you've never seen beyond a jpeg who stops by your MySpace page twice a week and posts something in l33t telling you how great you are in huge, fat, twinkly pink letters because they're scared not to. They know that according to unspoken Generation Y rules if they don't, if God forbid they fail to stop by their "friend"'s stupid, lame fucking site twice a week on the dot, and on the days expected, and say something uplifting to them, that means you're not friends anymore and you'll attack and stalk them from site to site as revenge. This is the Generation Y friendship. How to start one? Post this to any MySpace, LJ or Facebook page:

YR GR8! I LUV U (fill in their screen name here), U ROCK!!!!!!! (be sure to misspell and add lots of exclamation points, or they won't believe you)

Congratulations, you now have a Generation Y "friend" for life. Just don't ever meet them in person. There'll be no "click" of recognition and alikeness, as there is between real people friends in ACTUAL, REAL WORLD friendships, and neither of you will understand why that is. The meeting will feel tingly, "off", and weird. Things will quickly deteriorate from there. Usually the Generation Y brat will pick an argument with you over something startlingly trivial (such as what bands you like), and you'll be real world enemies by nightfall. Essentially, to sum it up, Generation Y is the most trivial, fucked-up bitch demographic ever to walk the face of the earth, they are the reason America has become scum, they're all thugs and whores, they don't realize their own parents have sold their fucking souls and innocence for SUV payments, and it will be a wonderful morning when these pieces of hyperactive dogshit are drafted to war and are strafed to chunks of bloody meat somewhere in Iran 18 months or so from now. Then the country is ours again. Text THAT, you dumb fuckers. :) Oh yes, and learn how to fucking SPELL? And Smurfs will never be cool. Cool was over at just about the time they arrived. Just so you know. - signed, a Generation X'er
"Generation Y is so lame."
"Yeah, I know. 'YR GRT! TXT ME!' Sigh... they can text dese here nuts."
"Yeah, text these nuts, bitches."
by Brandywine September 19, 2006
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Those two idiots you know and see often, who always hang out together. One is never seen without the other. Retarded Siamese Twins. Synonymous with and the update of "Tweedledum and Tweedledee".
"Oh great, look out, here come Fric and Frac."
"Yeah man. Disperse! Before they get here and try to hang out with us!"
by Brandywine September 19, 2006
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A baffling mixture of feminine perkiness with smug patriotic newsanchorliness. Possessed by women with high profiles in mainstream media, but usually abandoned for either perkiness or gravitas once the newswoman is experienced enough with both to decide between them. Currently the perkitas ringmaster on television is Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, who must be blessed by a rogue star, because she remains the only female fake news reporter on a hit comedy show two women created.

(Yes, two women invented The Daily Show; and at least one, I am proud to say, is an out lesbian. Kind of makes you scratch your head when you see how few comediennes are featured on that program.)

Perkitas wavers uneasily and insecurely between all-American cutesyness (or, for our Canadian readers, all North American cutesyness) acceptable to male watchers, and gravitas, which ought to be gender neuter but is not, as many men find it threatening when possessed by a female news reader.

Defining characteristics: a nice round, solid Midwestern broadcast voice; the same suggestive pauses and stresses on certain words and phrases as found in gravitas, such as "terror", "patriotism", "homeland", and "national security"; but the piercing gaze is occasional, fragmented, cautious and discarded, in favor of alluring sidelong gazes and cute, perky nods used as punctuation marks. Usually the exclamation point.

The true connoisseuse of perkitas has shoulder-length, neatly groomed hair with highlights or in a color that is never dark brunette (dark blonde with a touch of auburn seems the going flavor), very average height, rounded, cute features, an upturned Caucasian nose; and an easily-identifiable-as-feminine name like Samantha, Kelly or Katie. Freckles and an air of wholesomeness are definite pluses.

Most news anchorwomen possess gravitas, but to appeal to male viewers they usually discard it in favor of perkiness. Katie Couric's fame shot through the roof when she decided to adopt perkiness. Elizabeth Vargas at ABC opted to enforce her journalism credentials and chose gravitas, as a man would have done. See where she is today.

Men, by the way, can possess perkiness. See below.

Personalities who possess perkitas:

Mega-Everything Oprah Winfrey
First Lady Laura Bush (we're unsure how to read her, as a result)
Closeted TV host Mario Lopez
Comedy Central star Samantha Bee

Chose perkiness:

To a large degree, Comedy Central star Stephen Colbert
TV supernewswoman Katie Couric
Former gymnast Mary Lou Retton, who may have invented it
Singer Marie Osmond
TV hostess Kelly Ripa
TV host Regis Philbin, the King of Male Perkiness

Experimenting with perkiness:

MSNBC news host Tucker Carlson
Former Daily Show alumnus Mo Rocca

Chose gravitas and were promptly exiled:

Former news anchorwoman Linda Ellerbee
Former news anchorwoman Elizabeth Vargas
NSA Secretary Condoleezza Rice, but Bush connection keeps her on party lists
Madeleine Albright
First Dame of the Media Helen Thomas
Basically every smart woman you know who won't sleep with you
"You can't have both gravitas and perkiness. As a woman, you've got to choose."
"Okay, I choose perkitas."
"All right, Samantha."
by Brandywine September 22, 2006
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Pulling a Colbert, or to pull a Colbert. Related to "pulling a Stewart", q.v.

Taken from The Colbert Report, a pinch-snatch is to pinch one's eyeglass stem and then use the same hand to snatch one's eyeglasses from one's own face while fixing a piercing, somewhat imperious eyeglass-less stare on someone, or upon a handy nearby camera.

Lends instant gravitas to the pinch-snatcher and makes the subject or target feel he is under intense judgment and surveillance. Best when deployed in the midst of an important sentence brimming with gravitas, such as, "There can only be one answer to the problem Republicans present America... PINCH-SNATCH... truthiness." or "You want to know what I think, Jeff? I'll tell you what I think. I think... PINCH-SNATCH... it's Miller Time."

The pinch-snatch is incomplete and impotent without the added accessory of a cleverly arched eyebrow.
"The stalwart, masculine, patriotic and trustworthy news anchor turned facing me filled with gravitas, deployed a pinch-snatch, arched his eyebrow, and reported the bird dropping had indeed been in his sandwich, as I suspected."
by Brandywine September 22, 2006
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