A winter's bone is a sexual act in which the giver enters the
talent from behind while holding a snowball (connoisseurs prefer one composed of lightly-packed, freshly-fallen Park City snow) against the
small of the partner's back. Body
heat will cause the snowball to
melt, and the ice cold water will trickle down to where the
deal is being done. For an increased degree of difficulty, the producer can forgo the snowball and plunge his
junk into a snow bank after several thrusts for the same chilling effect. Real pros know the perfect count is seven thrusts between dips in the snowpack, one thrust for each desired distributor (Searchlight, Lionsgate, Focus, Summit, Weinstein, Overture, Apparition), and will call the distribs out in order while plowing away, hinting at the kind of gratifying release only over-worked and under-sexed acquisitions executives and sales agent can fully appreciate.
For maximum authenticity a winter's bone is performed at a film festival, preferably with a festival volunteer as the receiver. Bonus points are awarded if the act is performed within sight of a theater that screened
Debra Granik's
2010 Sundance Film Festival Grand Jury
Drama Prize-winning film.
After sitting through Welcome to the Rileys, Teenage Paparazzo, happythankyoumoreplease and The Imperialists Are Still Alive! in one
afternoon, it was only the winter's bone with the hostess from High
West Saloon after the Joan Jett concert that made it a day worth having gotten out of
bed for.
