Vagina cartwheels
An elaborate sexual maneuver involving weeks of preparation and a large initial cost investment (should be avoided by all but the most committed and enthusiastic individuals). Supplies needed: octopus, gym membership, a fun-loving and adventure-seeking spirit, more lube than you've ever used in your life, an on-site surgeon (in case of disaster) and Grimm's Book of Fairy Tales.
Instructions:
1) become extremely fit as a member of your local gym or community center.
2) purchase a salt water tank and octopus-- preferably a Caribbean reef octopus for its lovely indigo hue, but the common Octopus vulgaris will do.
3) *ANIMAL CRUELTY INVOLVED IN THE FOLLOWING STEP* De-tentacle the octopus, and desert the body in the appropriate biohazard container of your choice. Preserve the tentacles in your salt water tank.
4) Read your partner, in the accent of your choice, the most fucked-up of Grimm's Fairy Tales. Excellent choices include Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel & Gretel.
4) For every murmur of horror they admit, slap your partner's genitalia with the tentacles.
5) Repeat until the fairy tales are complete or the tentacles no longer have any live neurons and cannot move on their own.
6) Afterwards, do cartwheels to air out one's vagina! THE VAGINA CARTWHEEL IS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT THIS PROCESS.
THIS SEXUAL MANEUVER IS ILLEGAL IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES AND PUERTO RICO.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED*
(post-traumatic stress disorder a distinct possibility)
Instructions:
1) become extremely fit as a member of your local gym or community center.
2) purchase a salt water tank and octopus-- preferably a Caribbean reef octopus for its lovely indigo hue, but the common Octopus vulgaris will do.
3) *ANIMAL CRUELTY INVOLVED IN THE FOLLOWING STEP* De-tentacle the octopus, and desert the body in the appropriate biohazard container of your choice. Preserve the tentacles in your salt water tank.
4) Read your partner, in the accent of your choice, the most fucked-up of Grimm's Fairy Tales. Excellent choices include Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel & Gretel.
4) For every murmur of horror they admit, slap your partner's genitalia with the tentacles.
5) Repeat until the fairy tales are complete or the tentacles no longer have any live neurons and cannot move on their own.
6) Afterwards, do cartwheels to air out one's vagina! THE VAGINA CARTWHEEL IS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT THIS PROCESS.
THIS SEXUAL MANEUVER IS ILLEGAL IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES AND PUERTO RICO.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED*
(post-traumatic stress disorder a distinct possibility)
"My, what large teeth you have!" *gasp of horror* *slapping noise*
"Hey, I hear Henry F. is super-into Vagina Cartwheels!"
"Hey, I hear Henry F. is super-into Vagina Cartwheels!"
Vagina cartwheels by the love pad November 12, 2012