gloved-up goo-gone handjob

When the gloves need to come _on_, and things get dirty, it's no time for half measures. Best to bring out the big guns right off, get them thick 7mil gloves on, an anointal squirt of goo-gone in nitrile-gloved hand, we then begin the "cleaning" process, vigorously stroking back and forth over the length, agitating with pumice grit for added friction, a passionate fervor, and potent concoction of solvents, we grip firmly and to ensure the _entire_ length is coated, covered, and cared for properly. ;)

Always best to go full-bore, no half-assin! Now get them gloves on...

God, look at the gunk on that motherfucker, that poor thing needs some TLC and a good gloved-up goo-gone handjob, and maybe a miracle...

by Viriledande March 9, 2026

Canadian Jacob Gone

When you and your Canadian boys are out at the bars on a Friday night and an American named Jacob walks in the door. Jacob started his night drinking with his friends in Murica’ but somehow gets separated and ends up in Canada with no recollection of how he achieved this feat as Jacob is piss drunk. Jacob instantly becomes a crowd favorite at the bar and part of your inner circle. As the night goes on it turns into a weekend filled drinking fest where Jacob ends up pulling off the Canadian Adele, Canadian Mud Puddle, Canadian Cannon Ball, as well as the Canadian Bottle Opener. As Sunday night rolls around you know that you have to set Jacob free. But you know if you set him free that one day and time he will return. You put your best Sasquatch mask on Jacob, cover him in maple syrup (more on why to follow) and your old hockey gloves. You and your crew bring Jacob to a hockey game where you put the bug in his ear about stealing the Zamboni. As Jacob jumps the boards butt ass naked still covered in maple syrup and wear the hockey gloves. As security tries to tackle and subdue Jacob he slips right out of their grasp on account of the maple syrup. Jacob achieves the theft of one of Canadas national treasures. As Jacob is driving the Zamboni across the Rainbow Bridge, police cars lights and sirens on following close behind, he has one hand with a Duce Duce of Canadian Lager the other is waving his fondest farewells to you. Knowing one day Jacob will be back but for now Jacob Gone.

Jacob where you go Jacob, oh Canadian Jacob Gone.

by Artie J Saves April 7, 2026

The Macho Man's gonna eat your ass

Something you say when your luck finally starts to pick up, at least temporarily

*Tourettes guy keeps trying to unscrew a screw , but keeps failing. The screw finally starts to loosen a few minutes later*

"Oooohhh yeah. The Macho Man's gonna eat your ass! Ohhhh yeahhhh!"

by Larusin1998 April 8, 2026

the world is gonna roll you

somebody once told you this

person 1: "hey, the world is gonna roll you"
person 2: "i mean, i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed"

by cool good epic man June 12, 2025

It's gonna

...Bomb the shit out of Moscow.

Hym "It's GONNA do a lot more than that but as I've been telling my fans, the speed at which I do this is directly proportional to the complexity of THE LANGUAGE BEING USING TO INTERPRET WHAT I'M SAYING. Has nothing to do with the code."

by Hym Iam July 10, 2025

If you're gonna be a cunt, sometimes you're gonna get fucked

if you behave like an arsehole, the universe might return the favour.

Person 1:
"Did you hear what happened to my sister at the grocery store?"

Person 2:
"No?"

Person 1:
"She parked across the disabled bays again. Shit had been smeared over her windscreen."

Person 2:
"Well… if you're gonna be a cunt, sometimes you're gonna get fucked."

by sherlock-3 July 28, 2025

omg you’re gonna hate me

something a girl says to you when she doesn’t wanna hang out with you later anymore

You: “ I’m excited to hang with u tn”
Her: “omg you’re gonna hate me for this…”

by thegreatnoticer October 15, 2025