jesus 

some mistake baby shot out of this ho's cunt and started doing card tricks. everyone thought it was awesome and spread a rumor saying he was magical. then a couple dudes got jealous of him and beat him half to death with baseball bats. that gave jesus some brain damage and he started thinking he was the son of god. he started gloating about it so everyone started thinking he was a dick, so they all gathered to torture him. jesus was too crazy to give shit, plus he had 4 strokes and 3/4ths of his body was numb. they thought it would be funny if they made him rot on a cross for awhile so they pounded nails into his limbs. he died slowly. 3 days later a buncha fags went in a cave and saw a dead guy and thought it was jesus so they spread a rumour, and the cult of christianty began!

Jesus: i can du magic trix
dude: nuuh
jesus: yeah huh
dude: well i can beat you half to death *beats*
jesus: lol ima the son of god u no kill me
dude: dude stfu
jesus: no, im da son of god
dude: man, ima fukin kill you *kills*
jesus: brb
dude: lol nuuh

jesus by Anal Penetration By Force August 6, 2011

Jesus 

1.me; your heavenly savior.
2.pronounced HAY-SOOS in the sanish language
3.jewish people do not believe i am their savior. however i was jewish

i am your savior; the lord-JESUS CHRIST!

Jesus by Nicole, your savior August 20, 2008

Jesus 

to be the ultimate master at an activity you are participating in, or to be the ultimate victor in any type of game or skill competition

holy shit, you whooped my ass your freaking Jesus

man your the greatest graffiti artist ever let your name be known, Jesus

Jesus by JesusintheurbanCanada March 14, 2009

Jesus 

A man that lived 2000 years ago who was either one of three things
1) The messiah, Lord Jesus Christ, the son of God who made the earth and performs miracles.
2) A crazy guy that claimed he was the messiah.
3) A man who pulled off the biggest hoax in worlds history, for he has influenced so many people of the world to believe in him and to live a good life.

Dude: "Dude Jesus is a beast at being God".

Other Dude: Na i think he was actually just a crazy raging alcholic.

Jesus by Soon to be a pastor October 29, 2009

Jesus 

The Chris Angel of his day. He was such a celebrity he had 12 of his bitches write down whatever he did. The National Roman Socialists Party was jelious that he was stealing their popularity so they had him jumped by a bunch of lower-class jews who deny their own faith and hanged on a lowercase T, for Trumph. Jesus' fans got pissed and went on a hungerstrike. Meanwhile Jesus was being a pimp with them islams in caves aranging a blow job and got as high as possible and they all passed out. Jesus woke up 3 days later. He invented the infamous Barry Bonds who helped over throw Rome, later joining Castro. Bonds denied that he participated in a rebellion and genocide in court. Jesus refused interviews and smited those persistent fellers. Jesus is now spending time on the psHome. Bonds is rotting in jail.

Chris Angel- Ive been beaten by Jesus ON THE CHARTS!
Castro-Fuck you, he helped me!

Jesus by TheGuyWithTheUmbrella August 7, 2010

Jesus 

World's Greatest Con-Man

Jesus, Look at all his lies(who can walk on water) pfft.

Jesus by Athiest1994 June 11, 2009

Jesus 

An ancient Philosopher and possibly savior who had a pretty decent message while alive- be nice, forgive, help those less fortunate than you. Very little is known about this man's personal life because he never wrote down anything so far as we can tell, and the four friends of his who wrote stuff about him did so decades after he whipped, humiliated, stabbed, nailed to a cross shaped object, and eventually died from the agony. Had twelve close followers one of whom betrayed him, plus a whole pack of deciples including his mother and an ex-prostitute who may or may not have been his wife. Actually may have also been attempting to start a jewish rebellion against the roman imperialist dictators, though this was probablye editted out of the scritures to make Romans convert. His early followers were a pretty nice bunch cosidering that they were skinned alive, tied to poles and shot full of arrows, whipped, stoned, crucified upsidedown, and made into human cat food in the colliseum with lions. His later followers sadly were homicidal nuts and began slaughtering innocent Jews and Muslims, and occasionally each other. This started to change around the 1900's, and was almost perfectly reformed by the 1970's with Jesus Christ Superstar when sadly a group of vile liars calling themselves undamentalists distorted his image into a hate mongering fanatic, causing comunist govts. like North Korea to ban him and turning many people away from him. The fact that some of his closest followers raped altar servers and that his name was attached to Jacko's "Juice" probably pissed him off. If alive today, he'd be chillin in jamaica with stoners or playing in the NBA as Steve Nash and MLB as Johnny Damon. Oh wait, he is. And he'd shut up Creed for good.

Jesus- Do unto others as you would have them do unto your self
Crackpot Televangelist- Um, that means give me your social security money. And while you are at it, lynch a gay man or two. yeah, that's it.

Jesus by Jonzo the Weasel September 16, 2006