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Hands off the merchandise!

Hands off the merchandise!

A protest/order uttered by one of either gender when someone else (usually of the opposite gender) wants to indulge in a little touchy-feely, but he’s not in the mood.
Weary girl (pushing her guy's "exploring" hand away from her boobs): Hey! Hands off the merchandise! I wanna go to sleep now!
by QuacksO November 28, 2011
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Shake Hands With the President

verb; to masturbate.

Origins; as far as I know the term exists simply because the hand movement - with the help of a warped imagination - resembles shaking hands. The 'President' part comes about simply because, as many a male will tell you, the penis is the one making the decisions (for the man) in many female-male relationships.
1)Jeez, I wish I was at home shaking hands with the President right now.

2)Nah, I'm pretty bored. I think I might go and shake hands with the President.

3)Wow, there's photos in today's paper of your Dad shaking hands with the President!
by Ashy B & Jacques May 18, 2006
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both hands on the phone

‘Both hands on the phone’ is a commonly used phrase in Wattpad comment sections. It refers to literally having both hands on your device and not just one and using the other to masturbate.

“Hey! Both hands on the phone!”
“Hey that person isn’t keeping both hands on their phone… disgusting.”

“What’s that mean anyway?”

“ ‘Both hands on the phone’ is a commonly used phrase in Wattpad comment sections. It refers to literally having both hands on your device and not just one and using the other to masturbate.”

“Ok thanks.”
by InternetRuinedMe September 10, 2021
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fastest hands in the west

When you have a short time limit on finishing. Examplewise when you have morning wood but have to leave for work or school in about 5 minutes, you need to have the "fastest hands in the west" to get off in time. Can also be used for someone using as little time as possible masturbating.
Wow, Joe finished jacking off in under a minute? He must have the "fastest hands in the west"!
by Loser with fast hands November 9, 2019
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shake hands with the unemployed

British phrase, meaning male urinating.
"I'll be back in a jiff, I've got to go shake hands with the unemployed."
by Alexandra July 29, 2004
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shaking hands with the unemployed

My girlfriend is out of town, so, I've been shaking hands with the unemployed.
by Hairy Palmer January 24, 2003
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Shaking hands with the Pope.

It means rubbing one out. Jerking the yoke. The two fist shuffle. Dating Ms. Michigan. Ya know, Masterbaiting.
Everyone Loves to shake hands with the pope.
by Griz April 18, 2004
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