NOUN: A cross between a bowlegged New Orleans whore and a
mullet-eating marsh alligator with bad breath and a
dime in his pocket, hatched somewhere in the Atchafalaya Basin in Southwestern Louisiana in an underwater catfish hole, the boudain skin used for a condom having
busted during intercourse the previous
summer.
Some have asserted that General Andrew Jackson, who is famous for the command given to his entrenched troops during the War of 1812, "Hold your fire until you can see the whites of their eyes," fathered the first coonass after a leave of absence taken in New Orleans immediately following the war where he had a hurried tryst with an
English officer'
s wife in a privy behind a hotel in the French Quarter. However, this cannot be true because of the fact that coonasses all have bloodshot eyes and cannot therefore be related to the
English.
Others maintain that the first coonasses were actually shipwrecked, scurvied Moroccan pirates, their galley slaves, French
Canadian whores obtained in a raid on the shores of the Arcadian Province, and AWOL
French legionaries who blew into the
salt marshes of Louisiana running before a hurricane. In their attempts to survive without the convenience of toilet
paper and mouthwash, they took to trapping raccoons in the swamps and trading with the Native American tribes in Southeast Texas for corncobs, pine tar and ground sassafras root. Soon, they became infamous among these Texan tribesmen for wearing their raccoon hats backwards with the tail dangling in their faces. Already known for their anti-social dispositions and failure at proper taxidermy, they quickly became known as "coons' assholes," but the epithet was soon shortened to "coonasses" because of the infestation of mosquitoes in the
salt marshes that necessitated saying what
one had to say quickly while swatting varmints.
Still others assert that the epithet was completely off base since the shipwrecked foreigners didn't
trap raccoons; but rather, nutria rats, crawfish, poke salad and alligator gar; therefore, they simply should have been called weird.
ADJECTIVE: Uneducated;
ignorant, pedestrian in the meanest way, uncouth, obnoxiously crude and boorish.
NOUN: A young crawfish, while taking a stroll with his
mother through a ditch after a thunderstorm, looked up and excitedly exclaimed, "Hey, Maw, what's that?" to which his
mother shouted, "Run, son, that's a coonass! He'll eat anything!"
ADJECTIVE: "What a coonass way to do things! You can't paint an "X" on the
bottom of the pirouette and expect to come back out here on the bayou next week and find your perch hole."
