A bastard carpenter who was constantly followed by a group of stoners convinced that he was the son of
god. He was born the son of a
prostitute (stage name: 'The Virgin Mary') and one of a trio of kings who were present at his birth (the impregnation a result of a failed condom during an
orgy involving said trio and
prostitute) offering child support in the form of gifts so as not to arouse the suspicion of the husband (he was not aware of his wife's 'other' occupation).
Jesus (pronounced "ho-zay" but interpreted as "Jee-zus" because the bloody
English can't do anything right) would take up carpentry as his trade years later after an incident where he was lost in a dessert for a great many years and failed to pass in his admission essay for law-school by the due date. It was at this time that the druggies appeared into his life, lazily hanging out in the alley next to Jesus' workshop. The exact reason for being dubbed the son of
god is still debated by scholars but it is rumored that it had something to do with a
neck injury Jesus had sustained, resulting in his wearing of a halo neck brace for a month or so.
In approximately 35
AD (Time Paradox?), Jesus was convicted of being a cannibal and
vampire after a dinner party at which he supposedly served
blood-wine and
people-bread. He was crucified and stabbed with a spear (overkill) by a group of hateful Jews.
He was resurrected, however, by by a combination of necromancy and T-virusmancy as a zombie. A great many people died by his hands and he went uncontested for many years (he is credited with the Black
Death) until a group of religious fanatics lead by L. DaVinci captured and deported him to Mexico. There he lives today, running rampant and sating his bloodlust by killing goats under the alias 'El Chupacabra'.
