telephony's definitions

monkey sheets

Bed sheets stained with spooge because you masturbated and then subsequently ejaculated onto them.
Monkey sheets are frequently characterised by having a queer odour.

{Beavis and Butt-Head dressing themselves as ghosts for Halloween}

{Beavis}: Hey Butt-Head, this sheet smells funny.
{Butt-Head}: Yeah, huh huh. Those are my special monkey sheets.
{Beavis}: O fuck! Get it off! Get it off!! GET IT OFF!!!

by Telephony February 15, 2020

doucheknocker

A female version of a fartknocker or a buttknocker.

While I was flying the drone, I "heard" a jingle for Bob's Discount Furniture but with altered lyrics.
To wit:

♪ Bob's Bob-O-Pedics ♪
♪ From your åšs#Ø£€ to your ṕ€nµs ♪
♪ Some doucheknocker neutralised a hat!!! ♪
{~850ms silence}
♪ Bob's Bob-O-Pedics! ♪

by Telephony January 23, 2021

urinal mint

One of those pink urinal deodouriser cakes found at the bottoms of many types of urinals.

Rick, please don't eat the urinal mints!!! I hear that they taste horrible!!!

by Telephony November 29, 2010

BarneySplat

BarneySplat was a BBS door game that allowed the player to do all kinds of cruel things to our favourite bloated & distended purple dinosaur Barney.

Released by Bong Software in 1993, this text-only game allowed the player to get Barney drunk or stoned; even Baby Bop and the kids get to smoke out and get hammered. You also receive opportunities to kill the satanic purple pedophile ?(along with everybody el;se!) in addition to getting everybody ripped or stupid-drunk until they're all eliminated from the game.

An example screen would look like this:

"I have an idea!" Barney says. "Let's have a TEA party!"
Everyone gets out the tea and cookies, you get ready your arsonic and alcohol.

Fun things to try at the "TEA" party:
(S)pike it
try to make (P)eace tea
or (D)on't do anything

Hey Carlton! That BBS I was just on has BarneySplat in their door games menu!

by Telephony June 22, 2019

Hammermaker Schlemmner

What some people call Hammacher Schlemmer -- the catalogue of somewhat unusual (and usually quite expen$ive) products that's been around since 1848.

Hey Dean! I just got the Holiday 2016 copy of the Hammermaker Schlemmner catalogue, and they have a self-heating bathrobe in it! I think I'll get on the blower and order one right now!

by Telephony November 24, 2016

whirling down the shitbowl

Going to pot, going to hell in a handbasket; a way of saying that a situation or a person's condition is deteriorating extremely rapidly.

Mom's mind is whirling down the shitbowl; she always forgets to take her meds, she lies in bed naked all day, she has poopinary and pissinary incontinence, she won't even get up to get a glass of water.

by Telephony May 4, 2019

Santa Clause

An unfortunate but extremely common misspelling of Santa Claus, a fat man who breaks into people's homes every December 24th, guzzles their milk, devours their cookies, and usually leaves presents under the tree -- though if your children behaved especially shittly earlier in the year, a lump of coal that's been uranated on will be deposited in their Christmas stocking instead of brightly-wrapped presents.

Santa usually enters people's homes via the fireplace chimney; though if the chimney's plugged up, the flue is closed, if a fire is still burning, or if the person lives in an apartment and has no chimney, he'll find some other method of entrance and egress -- such as by jimmying a window.

Santa Clause came down the chimney last night and left a huge pile of coal that smelled like piss! Wonder what the children did to piddle off the fat bastard so much?!?

by Telephony December 25, 2020