stormsworder's definitions

tarantula

Originally the name 'tarantula' was given to a species of wolf spider in Italy which was blamed for venomous spider bites which locals tried to cure by performing a dance. In fact the spider bites were inflicted by a species of widow spider. But the widow spiders are small and look insignificant, whilst wolf spiders are bigger and hairy, so the wolf spider was blamed. To this day many people judge how venomous a spider is on its size, which is completely inaccurate. Wolf spiders are harmless. These days the name 'tarantula' is used to describe any spider of the Theraphosid family. This family has something like 800 known species in Africa, Mid and South America and Asia, with many more no doubt still undiscovered. The tarantulas (or Theraphosids) are the giants of the spider world, the biggest with leg-spans which could cover a dinner plate (a Goliath Birdeater with a 12-inch leg-span I think is the record). Though some tarantulas live in trees, most are ground-dwellers and the live in burrows. They line the entrances of their burrows with silk. Though tarantulas have no senses of hearing or smell and very poor vision, they have a very developed sense of touch. The hairs on their legs can detect the slightest air or ground vibration, and the lines of silk they lay down around their burrows are almost like extentions of their legs. Any small animal touching one of those threads will instantly alert the tarantula. Tarantulas feed on anything from crickets, locusts and cockroaches to rodents, small snakes and small lizards. Despite the fact they are often known as 'bird-eating spiders' in the US, it is probably very rare for a tarantula to eat a bird, though tree-climbing tarantulas can easily help themselves to a chick when a parent bird is away from its nest. With their basic webs they are thought to be the earliest form of spider, date back over 350 million years. When threatened or annoyed, tarantulas rear up on their back legs and bare their fangs. Some can even make a hissing/rustling noise by rubbing bristles on their jaws together. Tarantulas do not eat solid food. When a tarantula feeds, it injects a digestive fluid into its prey through its fangs. The prey is then gradually liquidised and absorbed into the mouth in a similar way to water being absorbed into a sponge. Tarantulas breathe through gill-like openings in the underside of their abdomens called 'book lungs'. When tarantulas mate, the male inserts sperm from his pedipalps ('feelers') into an opening under the female's body. Female tarantulas are larger and stronger than the more spindly-looking males, can live anything up to ten or twenty years, maybe longer depending on the species. Once the male has reached full size he can't hope to live eighteen months at the most. Despite the hooks on his front legs (for holding the female's fangs) he maybe be eaten after (or even before) mating. Tarantulas shed their skins, on average once a year. They can cast off a damaged limb but re-grow it gradually, the new limb becoming bigger every time their shed their skin. The tarantula skin is an exoskeleton, made of keratin (the same material human nails are made of). Despite the fear and horror they install in so many people (who've learnt most of what they know about tarantulas from the movies) tarantulas have venom which is unable to endanger human life. In fact, there is no record of anyone being killed by a tarantula bite. Some New World species have hairs on their abdomens which they can flick off with their back legs. These can cause an itching/burning sensation if they come into contact with human skin. But let's be honest, tarantulas are probably more afraid of us than we are of them, and they are a major controller of destructive pests like cockroaches and locusts. In fact tarantulas make excellent pets. They are more likely to run away rather than attack, unless they are cornered. Tarantulas are certainly not made of rubber, as some movies would have us believe. They are just as much flesh and blood as we are.

A tarantula bite dangerous? No. Its barnet's worse than its bite.

by StormSworder August 15, 2006

hellcat

1: A formidable woman.

2: One of the zoids (mechanical monsters released as wind-up and battery-operated toys, made in Japan). A Hellcat zoid looks like some kind of big cat, possibly a panther or cheetah. Its first UK release was in 1986. It was re-released in Japan in 1999 with a spelling mistake on its box (Helcat).

That mother of my girlfriend Alice is a right hellcat. Apparently she once bit a teacher's nose off after Alice was given a detention for not doing her homework.

by StormSworder August 14, 2006

swimming pool

A pool of water used for teaching children to swim or simply for swimming for relaxation or to keep fit. Outdoor ones are best avoided in summer as they end up like a swampland with wildlife to match.

Never swallow any water in a swimming pool. Ten to one someone has gone for a piss (or worse) in the pool.

by Stormsworder May 31, 2007

creationism

This is a belief which was invented to explain why we are all here. Basically it states that the world was created by some greater being (God). But then who created God? The theory of Creationsim falls flat through stating the Earth is thousands of years old, despite the fact it was proved to be billions of years old through scientific research. Creationists mock the theory of evolution and condemn the teaching of evolution at school. Evolution seems like the most sensible theory to me. Ah, but then howcome there are so many gaps in the evolutionary pathway? For one thing, it is a real fluke that an animal survives in fossil form, a billion-to-one chance requiring exactly the right geological conditions. Yes, we have a lot of skeletons in museums, but they are nothing when you consider how many animals have existed over the history of time. For another thing, it has been suggested that evolution takes place in jumps rather than gradually (a new, more evolved species suddenly starts appearing, gradualy takes over the older species). As for the teaching of evolution at school, it is taught as a theory. You don't have to believe in it. On the other hand, teaching Creationism at school involves indoctrinating children. I still remember being told that "God is always watching us and can punish us if we act or think wrongly". It makes me laugh when certain Creationists complain about CCTV cameras everywhere or the government spying on us all. Beliefs like Creationism were the Big Brother and the CCTV cameras of their day, were used to control the working classes. Now George W Bush is talking about teaching Creationism in schools in the USA instead of evolution. I can't help feeling all he really wants to do is create a brainwashed army to fight a religious war against Muslims.

A certain Creationism-believing journalist equates anyone who believes in evolution with genocidal murderers, tells us how narrow-minded they are. That's funny, because the religious people I've met are some of the most narrow-minded, snobbish, hypoctrical bigots I've ever had the misfortune the come across.

by Stormsworder December 7, 2006

snout

1: An animal's nose. Also used as an insult for someone with a big nose, or to describe a greedy businessman (eg: snout in the trough).
2: A cigarette (other slang terms for this include fag, cancer stick and coffin nail).
3: A police informant. The term presumably derives from the informant 'sniffing out villains'. Other slang terms for a police informant include grass, stool-pigeon and copper's nark.

"Getting snout in jail is a nightmare if you used to be a police snout".

by Stormsworder June 7, 2007

toilet

A seat-shaped object leading to a pipe which, in turn, leads to the sewers. Used to dispose of bodily waste - though urine is often disposed of on the floor around the base of the toilet. A toilet is a source of much hilarity with schoolboys or those with similar ideas about humour (like me, for example). Also used in insults (eg: "you smell like a public toilet"). A toilet is a place the Queen never has to visit (through some miracle of biology, presumably). People who are sick in the toilet are said to be "talking down the big white telephone". Although some toilets I've seen are so filthy their original colour is long lost in the mists of time.

In my old school someone took something out of a toilet and smeared it across a classroom wall. The teacher was adamant that the culprit would be made to clean it off. The guilty party was never revealed, so the shat stayed on the wall and festered for years after. This was a classroom used as a lunch-hall. What a charming school.

by Stormsworder May 31, 2007

ps3

The white elephant of the Sony Playstation series. Despite the fact there were riots in the streets as fans fought over it, the console is quite the most over-priced, ugly thing in video-gaming history. The control pads are wireless (I once bought wireless control pads for a console and they were a nightmare to use). They will cost gamers a fortune in batteries. Sony have already, rather unwisely, announced the PS4, the PS3 is not compatible with PS2 or PS1 games, and the PS3's game line-up is frankly pathetic.

According to Sony, the PS3 will have "4D graphics". Meaning they can travel through time? The PS3 can also fly you to any planet of your choice, cure all known diseases, work out how humanity can exist without wars, famine or suffering and ensure peace and love reign forever.

by Stormsworder October 16, 2007