stormsworder's definitions

dateline

A take-the-money-and-run online dating agency who cancel your account whenever they feel like it, refuse to answer your e-mails and never refund your money. On-line frauds.

"Dateline have just terminated my account, despite the fact I've paid for another five months of membership yet, and the snotty fuckers won't even answer my e-mails to tell me what is going on".
"Don't worry. Dateline is for Russian immigrants trying to claim citizenship by marrying someone in this country, stuck-up bitches who think only someone with the looks of a film star is good enough for them, and predatory perverts who are only out for what they can get".

by Stormsworder September 25, 2007

loch ness monster

An unidentified animal living in Loch Ness, the largest body of fresh water in Britain. It first came to the attention of the general public in the thirties when a London surgeon R.K.Wilson took a photo of what looked like the head-and-neck of a dinosaur-like creature. What with The Lost World and RKO's King Kong in the cinema, there was an explosion in public interest. The monster's image, however, was to be forever tainted by the pantomime which followed, in which a game big hunter called Wetherall came to Loch Ness and discovered footprints on the shore. The tracks turned out to have been made by a hippo foot, which was some kind of ashtray or other keepsake. What kind of a big game hunter couldn't work out that they were all hippo tracks made by the same foot I don't know, but he left Loch Ness. In 1994 the now-famous surgeon's photo turned out to be a fake, a model on a toy submarine made by Wetherall - revenge on the world that mocked him. Over the years there have been a number of photos and films of unidentified creatures in Loch Ness. Some have been proved as fakes (to be honest, I wasn't surprised when the surgeon's photo turned out to be a fake. I'd always thought there was something odd about it). But there is still strong film evidence and a lot of eye-witness evidence to support the existence of a long-necked animal of some kind. Modern scientists often dismiss eye-witness evidence as non-evidence. I'm glad they're not running the judicial system, otherwise they'd have every prisoner released. What doesn't help is a decidedly vulgar merchandising industry which has turned the monster into nothing more than a theme park attraction. The official Loch Ness exhibition centre now officially doesn't believe in Nessie anyway. Their cinema now shows visitors a film telling of all the reasons why Nessie is a hoax, accompanied by silly music. You leave the cinema at the end of the film and are then confronted by a shop selling plush Nessies, Nessie mugs, china Nessies, Nessies with tartan hats and endless other over-priced junk. Personally I'm sure there were unidentified animals in Loch Ness until recent years. I think, what with their proven sensitivity to noise, and what with Loch Ness now covered in countless noisy boats of every shape and form, that whatever was in the Loch has either died out or returned to the sea never to return. Either way, I think it's better for the welfare of these creatures that their existence is never proved.

Newsflash, 3/4/2011:
The existence of long-necked creatures in Loch Ness has been proved. Now every science laboratory in the world wants one to dissect. Every zoo wants one, and every gourmand in the world wants to taste the flesh of one in some revoltingly over-priced restaurant.
Within the year, the loch ness monster will be as dead as dodos and Stellar's sea cows.

by StormSworder August 16, 2006

Jar Jar Binks

An attempt to create a 'comic relief' character which backfired badly, turning the Star Wars film Phantom Menace into little more than a cross between a farce and a special-effects laden episode of Love Thy Neighbour. Binks is an alien who, for reasons I'm sure won't be apparent to anyone but all-seeing higher beings, talks like a dated black stereotype. Ah, but C3P0 and R2-D2 were comical characters, the fanboys point out. Yes, but they actually served some function in A New Hope, and if they're comic characters then why do we need yet another 'comic' character.

Jar Jar Binks, just one of the many things wrong with a film with was nothing really more than one long advert for toys, video games, happy meals and various other tat. But it's still worth mentioning that Jar Jar Binks is a shit creation and a total wanker.

by Stormsworder August 2, 2007

bully

Someone who, at school, is too lazy to work and sees no reason why any one else should. Despite their parading about, bullies are physical cowards who will only pick on those weaker than themselves. They usually finish up in and out of jail or serving behind the fish counter until they're 70. Bullies can also be found in the work-place, or hanging around streets and pubs looking for trouble. Grown-up bullies are basically schoolboys who've never grown up, usually because they can't deal with the adult world. Many bullies are short-arses with an inferiority complex which means they have to try to prove themselves. They are usually dated by sleazy blondes with an IQ of 4 between them. Teachers can also be bullies, which means that bullying problems among the school-children don't go away as the bullying teachers pick on the weaker boys.

That pair of bullies have just pushed someone onto the ground and repeatedly kicked him in the face and head. They then ran away before he could get up. What big brave men they are. I want them to arse-bandit me. All worship the bully.

by Stormsworder April 8, 2007

kryten

An android from the sci-fi/comedy series Red Dwarf, Kryten looks like a human wearing metallic clothes, but has a cube-like, geometric head. He became a regular in Series 3, played by Robert Llewellyn, but was actually first seen in an episode of Series 2 in which the Red Dwarf crew find him on a crashed spacecraft. He has been programmed to look after the crew of the marooned craft, but didn't realise they had been dead for many years. Played by Dave Ross, his original character was based on the butler in 'The Admirable Crichton'. Taken back to Red Dwarf, he was persuaded to rebel against Rimmer's task-master treatment and went joy-riding on Lister's space bike. In the Series 3 prologue (freeze-frame the tape/DVD to read it) it was revealed he had crashed, and that Lister had put him back together but had been unable to restore his original personality. Since then Lister has fought a losing battle trying to encourage Kryten to break his programming (by developing emotions, being able to lie etc). It has been revealed that Kryten can change heads, can detach his hand and send it to bring help, and can remove his eyes (useful for when communicating with human-hating psychotic androids).

Kryten: What a smeeee. What a smeeeee. What a smeeeeeee heeeeeeeee....

by Stormsworder October 18, 2006

sea monster

Ever since the human race took to the high seas there have been stories of unidentified sea monsters. Even in this age of science, there are still sightings of sea beasts which go unexplained. Many sightings, I'm certain, can be explained away by giant squid, whales and the like, but there still remains the fact that only one per-cent of the sea has been properly explored. Megaladon, a giant prehistoric shark, is said to have died out millions of years ago, but teeth only thousands of years old have been found. Some sea monsters resemble plesiosaurs, a kind of dinosaur-like animal thought to have died out some sixty-five million years ago. Scientists claim a cold-blooded reptile would never be able to tolerate the cold water. This is despite the fact that plesiosaurs (as well as icthiosaurs) are known to have inhabited freezing seas. And, as dinosaurs are now thought to have been warm-blooded, I see no reason why animals like plesiosaurs couldn't have also been warm-blooded. One famous sea monster is 'Morgawr', an unidentified animal said to live around Falmouth Bay in Cornwall. Two photographs, sent into a newspaper in the seventies by 'Mary F', show what seems to be a curious long-necked animal. However, as they are both in silhouette and 'Mary F' has never revealed herself, I don't know quite what to make of these photos. Though personally I'm sure there are many animals, maybe including plesiosaurs or plesiosaur-like animals, still awaiting discovery in the sea.

I often despair of people who seem to make it their life's work to prove some sea monster or lake monster doesn't exist. Whatever has happened to the human urge to explore and discover the unknown?

by Stormsworder December 30, 2006

Dr Neo Cortex

A power-mad dwarf who is the enemy of the popular video game character Crash Bandicoot. He is bald with a black beard and an 'N' on his forehead (it's never made clear whether the 'N' is a tattoo or some kind of metal plate). When he was a child, Cortex attended the Academy of Evil where he was mercilessly bullied by the other children and by the tyrannical headmistress Madame Amberley. From an early age he developed a love of torturing and experimenting on animals. In later life he became a scientist, but was ridiculed and shunned by the scientific world for his outlandish ideas. So he enlisted the help of N.Brio, another outcast scientist, in his plan to take over the world and avenge himself against all those people who had mocked him all his life. N.Brio had built the Evolvo-Ray, a machine which could cause rapid evolution in animals. Cortex took control of it, set about turning animals into an army of soldiers. Crash Bandicoot was one of the animals he used the Evolvo-Ray on, but there was a malfunction and Crash escaped, soon became his enemy. After many defeats at the hands of Crash, his sister Coco and a mask containing the spirit of a witch-doctor, Cortex is still obsessed with ruling the world. But first he intends to destroy Crash Bandicoot....

Dr Neo Cortex: Crash, Crash, Crash. Why must you always muck in my mud? Oh look, I have a mask helping me too! We will see which one is more powerful soon enough!

by StormSworder August 13, 2006