stormsworder's definitions

speed cameras

A way of making the government yet more money, cynically disguised as a way of stopping accidents. As with most of this government's ways of conning the public, anyone with an IQ of over 15 can work out it's just a con. Often speeding signs are not clearly visible (my mother was caught out like this), and in Luton a couple of years ago there were ten (!) police officers standing on a roadside stopping cars at random in the hope that one of the drivers might not have insurance or an up-to-date tax disc. Given the crime rate in Luton, is anyone out there seriously going to tell me they had nothing better to do? But back to the point. I'm not in favour of speeding (I saw a lunatic using a housing estate as a race track), but 5% of accidents are due to speeding. Speed cameras can't stop people driving like they're on the dodgems. And now people are having to keep a constant eye on their speed-o-meters, thus are distracted from the road ahead. Nice one, New Labour.

In court this morning a man was fined £200 and 18 months loss of license after being caught speeding by one of the speed cameras. In the next court-room a man was let off with a warning for GBH.

by Stormsworder October 17, 2006

mel gibson

Proof that you don't need talent to make it in this world. Mel Gibson has made a fortune simply through looking nice. He is a rubbish actor and a rubbish director, and now he is being forced to resort to blatant xenophobic propaganda in order to make anyone notice his so-called movies.

Mel Gibson should have been a Nazi propagandist. They used to churn out films filled with this kind of propaganda and hatred against other countries and Jewish people.

by Stormsworder November 24, 2006

dateline

A take-the-money-and-run online dating agency who cancel your account whenever they feel like it, refuse to answer your e-mails and never refund your money. On-line frauds.

"Dateline have just terminated my account, despite the fact I've paid for another five months of membership yet, and the snotty fuckers won't even answer my e-mails to tell me what is going on".
"Don't worry. Dateline is for Russian immigrants trying to claim citizenship by marrying someone in this country, stuck-up bitches who think only someone with the looks of a film star is good enough for them, and predatory perverts who are only out for what they can get".

by Stormsworder September 25, 2007

sun

1: The parent star of our planet.

2: A so-called newspaper which you need an IQ of less than 12 to fully appreciate.

There are millions of stars in this galaxy alone, let alone all the countless other galaxies. If every star is a sun, there could be countless Earth-like worlds.

by Stormsworder November 16, 2006

pasadena opossum

1: An opossum is a marsupial from the United States. A Pasadena Opossum is presumably one from Pasadena. There are three cities in the US with this name, one in Texas, one in California and another in Maryland.

2: A character from the Crash Bandicoot series of video games. Pasadena is a tall slim female created by eccentric scientist Dr Van Clutch to compete in cart races around his theme park. Pasadena has a Texan accent and her long tail is used as a third hand. She comes across as a bit of a stereotype valley girl. It is obvious she fancies Crash, though the feeling is not mutual.

"That Pasadena Opossum is just gorgeous. I wouldn't mind going round the track with her a few times".

Seek urgent help.

by Stormsworder January 12, 2007

loch ness monster

An unidentified animal living in Loch Ness, the largest body of fresh water in Britain. It first came to the attention of the general public in the thirties when a London surgeon R.K.Wilson took a photo of what looked like the head-and-neck of a dinosaur-like creature. What with The Lost World and RKO's King Kong in the cinema, there was an explosion in public interest. The monster's image, however, was to be forever tainted by the pantomime which followed, in which a game big hunter called Wetherall came to Loch Ness and discovered footprints on the shore. The tracks turned out to have been made by a hippo foot, which was some kind of ashtray or other keepsake. What kind of a big game hunter couldn't work out that they were all hippo tracks made by the same foot I don't know, but he left Loch Ness. In 1994 the now-famous surgeon's photo turned out to be a fake, a model on a toy submarine made by Wetherall - revenge on the world that mocked him. Over the years there have been a number of photos and films of unidentified creatures in Loch Ness. Some have been proved as fakes (to be honest, I wasn't surprised when the surgeon's photo turned out to be a fake. I'd always thought there was something odd about it). But there is still strong film evidence and a lot of eye-witness evidence to support the existence of a long-necked animal of some kind. Modern scientists often dismiss eye-witness evidence as non-evidence. I'm glad they're not running the judicial system, otherwise they'd have every prisoner released. What doesn't help is a decidedly vulgar merchandising industry which has turned the monster into nothing more than a theme park attraction. The official Loch Ness exhibition centre now officially doesn't believe in Nessie anyway. Their cinema now shows visitors a film telling of all the reasons why Nessie is a hoax, accompanied by silly music. You leave the cinema at the end of the film and are then confronted by a shop selling plush Nessies, Nessie mugs, china Nessies, Nessies with tartan hats and endless other over-priced junk. Personally I'm sure there were unidentified animals in Loch Ness until recent years. I think, what with their proven sensitivity to noise, and what with Loch Ness now covered in countless noisy boats of every shape and form, that whatever was in the Loch has either died out or returned to the sea never to return. Either way, I think it's better for the welfare of these creatures that their existence is never proved.

Newsflash, 3/4/2011:
The existence of long-necked creatures in Loch Ness has been proved. Now every science laboratory in the world wants one to dissect. Every zoo wants one, and every gourmand in the world wants to taste the flesh of one in some revoltingly over-priced restaurant.
Within the year, the loch ness monster will be as dead as dodos and Stellar's sea cows.

by StormSworder August 16, 2006

brazilian wandering spider

Brazilian wandering spider is the name used to describe any spider of the genus phoneutria. There are five in total, and they are large hairy spindly-looking spiders with leg-spans which can reach up to 5 inches or more. Two pairs of their eight eyes are large, and they do not make webs, instead go hunting for prey. This can cause problems, as they have the most active venom of any living spiders. One of their number, the Brazilian Huntsman, is thought to be the most venomous spider in the world. Brazilian wandering spiders are certainly dangerous, bite more people than any other spiders. They are fast-moving, their legs are strong and spiny and they have destinctive red jaws which they display when angered. These spiders are quite capable of jumping onto a broom used to fend them off, can also leap out of banana bunches carried over the shoulder and bite whoever is carrying the fruit. One species, the Brazilian Armed Spider, is quite amazingly aggressive and has the largest venom glands of any spider. Since the introduction of anti-toxins, there have been few recorded fatalities, and finding one of these spiders in imported fruit is unlikely what with modern safety precautions. the name Brazilian wandering spider is actually inaccurate, as these spiders are found all over South America.

It's worth pointing out that a Brazilian wandering spider is not a tarantula. They're not even in the same family group. Tarantulas are harmless to humans, are mostly ambush killers who wait for prey to come to them. Brazilian wandering spiders are active hunters. Brazilian wandering spiders and tarantulas do have one thing in common, however. They don't eat bananas. I'm quite amazed people think this is the case.

by StormSworder August 16, 2006