jonzo the weasel's definitions

baseball bat

The ultimate weapon when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. It can even be thrown like a tomohawk should your intended victim appear to be outrunning you. However, if there is a red taffic light nearby, simply smash the window of the first car, kill the guy inside it, drive up after the primary target, and while passing, swing the bat full-force at his head. A decapitation guaranteed

So you wanna be a hitman for fat Alfredo, skinny Lou? Awrighty, take out Stupid Gianni and Smelly Joe wit dis baseball bat

by Jonzo the Weasel January 22, 2006

half nerd

Someone who, despite possessing physical characteristics and intellect of a nerd, has nicer personality, better hygeine, fewer enemies, and better grades because of their focus on school instead of the internet, sci-fi fan clubs, the lord of the rings, or matheletes. They rarely have close friends, but are respected by most and tend to be gennerally pleasant.

Bill Gates, Alan Greenspan, Warren Buffet, Albert Einstein, and this one kid in my biology class are all half nerds.

by Jonzo the Weasel January 10, 2006

Bon Jovi

New Jersey-based glam metal band. They aren't the most adventurous musicians, but hey, neither were AC/DC, and they still sound good. One of the few bands made up of nice guys to be still called metal. Their lineup is basically the same after 20 years, there have been no arrests, no pyrotechnics disasters (see Metallica and Great White), no stadium riots (see Guns n' Roses), no trips to rehab (see Ozzy Osbourne), no car crashes that killed other rock stars (see Motley Crue). Also, for some reason I can't understand, I can't imagine them being from anywhere but New Jersey. All in all, a solid band with a good career. Unquestioned masters of the power ballad.

Axl Rose was definitely the better frontman than Jon Bon Jovi, but there's no question about which one I'd rather get hang out with.

by jonzo the weasel September 12, 2006

liberal

One who cares for America and wishes to preserve the ideals of this nation's founders, all progressive men in their day.

Ben Franklin owned a Cannabis farm and George Washington was known to toke up as well. Plus, they wrote the Bill of Rights. They were liberals. They would start a riot if they could see how their ideals are getting assraped by the current government

by Jonzo the Weasel May 18, 2006

celebricrat

A celebrtity who gets political. In some extreme cases (like the guy who is now governor of california) they will run for office and win. But if one just makes public political statements and/or supports a candidate, then that celebrity has become a celebricrat.
Naturaly, most celebricrats are on the political left (celiberals) because that is the less moralistic party, the strongest party in California, as opposed to the right-wing celebrities (constarvatives). The celiberals are often denounced by right-wing pundits as traitors. The constarvatives are usually just blown off by left-wingers as rich morons.

Here are some famous celebricrats
Celiberals:
Bruce Springsteen
Sean Penn
Jon Bon Jovi
Madonna
Billie Joe Armstrong
Kanye West
Whoopi Goldberg
Christopher Reeve
Scarlett Johanson
Sean John Combs
Chuck D
Ice Cube
The late Kurt Cobain
Barbara Streisand
Joey Ramone

And the Constarvatives:
Britney Spears
Johnny Ramone
Arnold Schwarzeneger
Jessie Ventura
Jessica Simpson
Kid Rock
Ronald Reagan
Lynn Swann
Ann Coulter

by jonzo the weasel July 28, 2006

fred phelps

The head of the Westboro Baptist Church. An incredibly hateful man who runs godhatesfags.com and godhatesamerica.com. According to this incredible asshole, the GI's getting killed in Iraq are God's punishment for not persecuting homosexuals. His cult has picketted their funerals with signs like "God Hates Fags," "America Is Doomed," "Thank God for Dead Troops," "God Blew Up the Troops," "Fag Soldiers in Hell," and "Thank God for IEDs." He's a horrible example of Christianity and has a big surprise coming for him from God when he dies. He is linked to thechristian identity movement, a white-supremacist organization posing as a church.

Here are the people in Hell, according to Fred Phelps.
Matt Sheppard
Reggie White
Ronald Reagan
Martin Luther King
Corretta Scott King
Mr Rogers
All US casualties of the Iraq War
The victims of the West Virginia coal mine disaster

It should be noted that Freddie had met several times with and praised the leadership of our best buddy Saddam Hussein.

by jonzo the weasel July 30, 2006

Jesus

An ancient Philosopher and possibly savior who had a pretty decent message while alive- be nice, forgive, help those less fortunate than you. Very little is known about this man's personal life because he never wrote down anything so far as we can tell, and the four friends of his who wrote stuff about him did so decades after he whipped, humiliated, stabbed, nailed to a cross shaped object, and eventually died from the agony. Had twelve close followers one of whom betrayed him, plus a whole pack of deciples including his mother and an ex-prostitute who may or may not have been his wife. Actually may have also been attempting to start a jewish rebellion against the roman imperialist dictators, though this was probablye editted out of the scritures to make Romans convert. His early followers were a pretty nice bunch cosidering that they were skinned alive, tied to poles and shot full of arrows, whipped, stoned, crucified upsidedown, and made into human cat food in the colliseum with lions. His later followers sadly were homicidal nuts and began slaughtering innocent Jews and Muslims, and occasionally each other. This started to change around the 1900's, and was almost perfectly reformed by the 1970's with Jesus Christ Superstar when sadly a group of vile liars calling themselves undamentalists distorted his image into a hate mongering fanatic, causing comunist govts. like North Korea to ban him and turning many people away from him. The fact that some of his closest followers raped altar servers and that his name was attached to Jacko's "Juice" probably pissed him off. If alive today, he'd be chillin in jamaica with stoners or playing in the NBA as Steve Nash and MLB as Johnny Damon. Oh wait, he is. And he'd shut up Creed for good.

Jesus- Do unto others as you would have them do unto your self
Crackpot Televangelist- Um, that means give me your social security money. And while you are at it, lynch a gay man or two. yeah, that's it.

by Jonzo the Weasel September 16, 2006