8 definitions by gr33nman

n. also mailsturbation, forwarditis.

The tendency of an estranged or newly-but-not-necessarily-intentionally-acquired colleague, school chum, friend or family member to send every cute, multiply-forwarded message about care bears, conspiracy theories, scandalous photos, religious views, politics, cheesy poetry, rude jokes, or people-famous-for-being-famous to you and about a hundred other 'close friends' you don't know in a note without personal explanation other than something bland like "Cute!" or "You'll like this!". Subject headings are often all caps with multiple exclamation points, prefixed with varying numbers of "Fw:" and "Re:". Often, the actual content being referred to is multiple forwarded emails deep, forcing the recipient to have to dig through other people's comments and a slew of similarly unfamiliar email addresses, along with their impersonal comments like "Oh, gross!", or "What would your mother say?", etc. Generally this happens when the sender feels he or she is not properly communicating with said friends, family, colleagues, etc., and feels compelled to at least appear to be "making the effort to communicate". This ostensibly gives the sender a modicum of relieved self-satisfaction and puts the onus to communicate back on the recipient, but in reality only further alienates the sender from all recipients and ends up not being satisfactory to anyone. If the sender does not at some point come to the realization that sending unpreambled forwards amounts to spam that doesn't even lead to self-satistfaction, it is hopeful that a true friend or valued family member will put the sender back on the path to better communication by asking them to stop the nonsense. Replying to just such a letter with a link to this particular definition might suffice in making such a friend come to his or her senses.

n. emailsturbator - someone you know who sends you useless forwarded email.

v. emailsturbate - intransitive - "to emailsturbate on" (a friend, family member, a group of people) - to forward a useless previously-forwarded email to everyone in your address book.
"He's retired, widowed, and now resorts to emailsturbation on his old school chums to fill the empty minutes of his life."

Tom: "I and about thirty people I don't know just got emailsturbated on by Joe about some alien whacko conspiracy theory."

Cho: "Dude, I feel for you... Freaking mailsturbators..."
by gr33nman May 13, 2009
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a. straight, straightened, or slightly wavy hair that has not been washed in two or more days, somewhat combed or 'arranged', often stringy, spiky or clumpy, but never matted or harboring debris or aroma. (Not to be confused with neatly-arranged, braided, platted or otherwise well-arranged hair which has not been washed in several days or longer.)

b. straight, straightened, or slightly wavy hair that has been gelled or moussed with product so that it looks like it has not been washed in several days.

c. complimentary: a lame but adorable excuse your girlfriend uses for not washing her hair for several days.

d. pejorative: a description for a third party (not present) not washing his or her hair for several days.

e. similar to bed head but socially acceptable through popularity, fame, price of product or sheer gonads.

Derivation: The origins of hollywood hair begins with the TV show "Friends" whose entire cast never went a day without hollywood hair. Ever.
Jill: Jan, what's with your hair?
Jan: "It's not bed head. It's hollywood hair."

Joe: "Dude, what's with the hair?"
Bill: "Stroke off, man. I'm late for class." (Shoves baseball cap over hair. Leaves. Doesn't say anything about hollywood hair.)
by gr33nman May 26, 2008
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The too-perfectly-coiffed hairdo of a 25 to 45 year-old junior league member or the church lady's daughter who sprays so much hair spray on her hair that when you touch it, it's like touching a football helmet: secure and immovable. Often found in combination with caked makeup. pejorative.

Out of respect, grandmothers, women over 55 and church ladies are granted dispensation from being labeled as having helmet hair.
Jenny-Sue has helmet hair.

Jenny-Sue is a helmet hair.

The helmet hairs cleared the nave of flowers after the wedding.
by gr33nman May 26, 2008
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The tendency to send impersonal, cheesy or off-color previously-forwarded emails to everyone in your address book.
"Save us all from forwarditis."

Tom: "Joe has forwarditis. I just got another one about some whacko alien conspiracy theory."

Cho: "Dude - what an emailsturbator."
by gr33nman May 13, 2009
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Noun. - Any over-processed, over-purified, food-derived commercial or wholesale products that detrimentally affect health.

Noun. - Snack food. Fast food. Anything in a mylar pouch masquerading as edible.

Noun. - Any edible product where the one or more of the first five ingredients are: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Crystalized Cane Juice, Fructose, Sucrose, White flour, hydrogenated fats or oils, etc. Anything where one or more of the ingredients is an artificial sweetener, monosodium glutamate (msg), other non-NaCL taste-changing salts, or contains saturated fat.

Noun. - Any edible product masquerading as nutritious food.

Noun. - Any edible product with artificial sweetener.

Noun. - Any edible product created by a corporation or conglomerate, packaged and processed to last on the store shelf forever. Usually contains mass quantities of sugar.
1. "High Fructose Corn Syrup is malfood."

2. "Coca-Cola is a malfood. So is Pepsi."

3. "All children's cereals are malfoods."

4. "Most large-chain grocery-store aisles contain nothing but malfood. Shop _around_ the aisles in the fresh produce, meat, dairy and egg sections. Buy and cook whole grains."

5. "Moms -- stop letting your kids drink that stuff. It's just malfood."

6. "Rats and monkeys living on American malfood tend to get obese and become diabetic within months."
by gr33nman December 22, 2011
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A television news 'magazine' consisting of about five minutes of Amerocentric 'news-ish' stories and about fifty-five minutes of commercial advertisement, blatantly or obliquely passed off as news for sister/affiliated companies and conscripted glitterati.

News anchors Matt and Meredith are given scripted content about what they may say from corporate. They are allowed to discuss anything trivial as if it were news. Actual 'news', both foreign and domestic, left NBC Today Show with the removal of Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel. Nobody has seen a real interview on the morning 'news magazine' since that era.

It is believed that network executives were neutered or spayed by the executive branch of the US federal government between the years of 2000 and 2008, causing network news programs like NBC's Today Show to focus more on the then popular federal prime mandate: 'Buy more stuff.' NBC's Today Show translated this into 'Buy more of our stuff'.

It remains to be seen whether NBC's Today Show will regrow a pair of gonads and actually start reporting news again.
Ann Curry is the only person believed not to have thoroughly compromised her own standards in the process.
NBC's Today Show looks more and more like the Home Shopping Network. The only difference is that most people who watch it can't afford $200 for a suit jacket, even if Meredith pretends to claim it's such a 'steal'. Most of us don't generally wear more than $100 worth of cloths at a time, if we're lucky and find NBC's Today Show tremendously out of touch.
by gr33nman February 13, 2009
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verb. The intentional interpretation of a very news-worthy story to the worst possible misleading conclusion to draw attention to an uncompelling article or to draw attention away from any article that isn't extremely right wing - usually to the detriment of the actual story.

This is what happens on FOX news.
The entire story was FOXed by all major media outlets.
by gr33nman August 4, 2008
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