earpuller's definitions

Expanding Family Syndrome

the annoying tendency of family groups in stores and other public places to spread out and block access for other shoppers or patrons. seen more often during the holiday shopping seasons, but can occur at any time. EFS can cause unsuspecting people to be forced hard against walls, merchandise displays, etc., or to have to detour around the family group to get at something of interest. similar to groups of aircraft, families often spread into various "vee" formations, echelons, and the dreaded "random EFS," past which nothing can pass, not even light.

this past christmas while shopping at a well-known discount department store, i was accosted by a family of four walking in a row across the aisle. as i was checking out items to purchase, the family came upon me, the dad saying "excuse us," as if i had anyplace else to go. i chose to stand my ground, causing the mom to glare at me and the family to pass me single-file. in this manner i prevented an outbreak of Expanding Family Syndrome.

by earpuller April 27, 2006

booger miner

a person with the disgusting habit of picking his or her nose while visible to the public. nothing subtle about the booger miner's approach-finger(s) inserted beyond the knuckle, accompanied by much digging around. gross? nauseating? you bet!! the verb form is booger mining.

while riding the bus to work the other day, gerry looked across the aisle at the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen. astonishing face, magnificent hair, perfect figure, and long, slender legs. he tried to avoid staring at her, fearing he'd appear to be uncivilized and boorish, so he didn't notice that she'd inserted her left pinkie finger demurely into her nostril and began vigorously grinding away. finally he could no longer resist; he had to gaze upon her again. turning toward her, he quietly said "excuse me, i don't mean to be forward, but...." and just as he was about to ask her out, she turned toward him, smiling radiantly, and said "that's alright, go ahead." to his horror, gerry learned that this woman, the embodiment of all that is desirable about the opposite sex, was, in fact, a booger miner, for she had neglected to remove her finger from her nose before answering him. dizziness overcame him as he left the bus fourteen blocks from his office just to get away from the terrible thing he'd just witnessed.

by earpuller June 25, 2006

guacamole shower

a rare phenomenon caused by the unrestricted spillage of guacamole dip. often caused by an exploding guacagrenade, the guacamole shower leaves everything in its path stained an avocado green, at least until the next rainstorm.

as lisa tried to pick up the serving bowl of guacamole dip, it slipped from her greasy hands and crashed to the table, strewing green stuff everywhere. "nice guacamole shower, lisa," tammi yelled, "i hope it rains soon, or at least before mom and dad get back from cancun."

by earpuller July 16, 2006

judge joe brown

verb-to be told off or schooled by an older man, who is probably right for getting on your ass. If it's an older woman, use the verb judge judy.

bobby: when my dad finds out i wrecked his car he's gonna judge joe brown me for hours.

by earpuller October 1, 2005

FOR ME TO POOP ON!

from the "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" show. Standard insult given by Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog. Used at the end of a sentence to change a comment/statement/compliment into an insult or put-down. Notice the context of the sentence examples to see how to use it (or decline to use it.)

good time to use it: Oh yes, I just bought your new CD, Ashlee, and it is the greatest thing in the world.....FOR ME TO POOP ON!
bad time to use it: Mom, can you make some Rice Krispies treats......FOR ME TO POOP ON? *gets smacked by Mom, then Dad, then by the rest of the family*

by earpuller December 28, 2005

pushing water uphill

a descriptive phrase for attempting any hopeless task. If you've ever tried to push water uphill you'll understand the concept.

literal-Part of my job involves clearing water from the floor of my work station. Because the floor is pitched away from the drain, it takes an inordinate amount of time to clear the water, because I'm always pushing it uphill.
figurative-Asking your boss for a raise in these times of tight money makes as much sense as pushing water uphill.

by earpuller January 19, 2006

midget digit

noun: a very small penis. Often used as a general putdown for males who actually have normal or even large peckers.

ed: hey dude, i heard you need tweezers to jack off.
fred: yeah, that girl you tried to screw last week told all her friends she needed a magnifying glass just to see if you were hard!
ted: and so, you have been revealed as the possessor of a midget digit!!
ned: damn! oh well, good thing my tongue is as long as my arm!!

by earpuller October 1, 2005