earpuller's definitions

Human Resources

If a company is a house, then Human Resources is the septic tank; all the shit goes there. Human Resources, better known as HR, is the lowest place in a corporation's hierarchy, although they make themselves important by gaining the ability to control who works and who doesn't. To be a success in HR one must lose all trace of humanity and become a robot (becoming a whore is also advisable.) To paraphrase Willie Nelson,"mommas, dont let your babies grow up to be HR drones, don't let 'em be robots or whores or sluts, make 'em be robbers or car thieves and such....."

when i was a child, i thought like a child, but when i grew up and started working in Human Resources, i knew i had lost my soul, and to appease my new gods i fired my best friend, my girlfriend, my brother, an Iraqi war veteran with a silver star and a distinguished service cross, and the guy who saved me from drowning when i was a kid. what a good day's work!!

by earpuller December 2, 2010

beat 'n' defeated

a redundant phrase, since each word can mean the same thing. however, due to its rhyming scheme, it seems to be a more definitive way of saying someone or something lost.

beat-you lost the tennis match 6-4, 6-4, 6-3 to a very good opponent.

defeated-you lost your previous match 6-3, 6-2, 6-2 to an average player.

beat and defeated-your kid brother won a match against you 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 even though he had spent the last week sick in bed with the flu and he wasn't wearing his glasses. this, my friends, means you were beat 'n' defeated. soundly.

by earpuller November 6, 2007

college degrees

There are three major college degrees one can achieve: B.S., M.S., and PhD. These initials stand for the following-

B.S.-bullshit
M.S.-more shit
PhD.-piled higher and deeper

class dismissed.

mick: hey, the new engineer's specs are all out of whack!! we'll never get this thing built with these numbers!!
rick: well, buddy, you've just discovered the secret to a college degree. it consists of B.S., M.S., and PhD.
dick: yeah, we all know that, butthead!
rick: are you sure? for these college degrees, the initials stand for bullshit, more shit, and piled higher and deeper!!!
everybody laughs; the engineer in question walks through and they laugh even harder

by earpuller June 22, 2006

poster's remorse

the feeling one may have just as he or she hits the "post" button at UD talk or on the UD wall. just like closing the barn door after the horse has fled!

gee, you'd think all these defs i've published, all the talk posts, and all the stuff i've written on the UD wall should have given me a severe case of poster's remorse........nah, screw 'em all!!!

by earpuller July 21, 2006

wiki-wandering

after looking up the info you need on Wikipedia, you click on random, interesting-looking links, reading new stuff, until you find yourself reading about something totally unrelated to your original subject.

i looked up "mickey mantle" on Wikipedia. when i was done, i clicked on "new york yankee players," then "world series champions," then on "brooklyn dodgers," then on "leo durocher," then on "laraine day" then on " famous mormons," then on "donny osmond," then on "tv stars of the 70's," then on "david soul", then on "starsky and hutch," then on "tv cars," then on "ford torino," then on "torino talledega," then on "richard petty," then on "stock car champions," then on "alan kulwicki," then on "famous persons from wisconsin," then on "jeffery dahmer," then on "serial killers," then on "howard unruh," then on "camden, new jersey," then on "campbell soup," and then i realized i had just wasted the last three hours wiki-wandering!

by earpuller September 12, 2009

neighbores

simply put, boring neighbors. people who think you really care about their lives when, in fact, you wish you could move somewhere far, far away just to get away from them.

lady next door:.....then she said.....just back from visiting my sister in Peoria.....couldn't find a thing in there.....new recipes for hamburger helper.....never buy a german car, my father always said.....(two hours later).....well, i can't stand here talking all day.....(another hour later).....wait, don't you want to see my niece's picture?
me: maybe some other time. i've got to go in now (escaping to the safety of my own apartment, i close and lock the door, and start looking through the rental ads-do they list apartments under "no neighbores allowed?)

by earpuller June 11, 2006

Palintology

the study of all the various Palins from Alaska (also the bastard who knocked up Bristol, whats-his-name.) this includes such sub-studies as Palinspeech, Palingeography, and Palintics.

joe: so, what's your major at the university?
moe: Palintology. it's the study of all things Palintical.
joe: (stares blankly at his friend for a couple of minutes; then he says) you're fucking kidding me, aren't you?
moe: no! i'm totally cereal! and now i've got to run-part of my course of study is watching bristol on "dwts."
joe: what the hell is "dwts?"
moe: "dumb white trash shitheads."

by earpuller November 26, 2010