earpuller's definitions

deja voodoo

the feeling you get when someone jinxes you, and you swear it's been done before, but you can't remember where or when.

tammy: boy, i've had this burning, stinging sensation in my back for an hour now.
sammy: maybe you should see a doctor?
tammy: i thought about it, but i've had this pain before; it's like someone's poking me with a giant pin.
sammy: well then, you do need a doctor-a witch doctor!! maybe he can remove the curse that's been put on you. you say you've had this pain before?
tammy: yeah, a couple of times. last time was when i broke up with hammie again; all of a sudden i had these terrible shooting pains.
sammy: you know, hammie practices witchcraft and other dark arts. perhaps he made a voodoo doll of you, and every time the two of you get into it, he goes home and sticks it with needles.
tammy: so you think this is a case of-
sammy: -that's right, tammy. you're suffering from deja voodoo.
tammy: can it be treated?
sammy: not with western medicine. you must travel to haiti and see a witch doctor; he'll set you right.
*meanwhile, in another part of town, hammie has grabbed another needle......*

by earpuller July 19, 2006

Expanding Family Syndrome

the annoying tendency of family groups in stores and other public places to spread out and block access for other shoppers or patrons. seen more often during the holiday shopping seasons, but can occur at any time. EFS can cause unsuspecting people to be forced hard against walls, merchandise displays, etc., or to have to detour around the family group to get at something of interest. similar to groups of aircraft, families often spread into various "vee" formations, echelons, and the dreaded "random EFS," past which nothing can pass, not even light.

this past christmas while shopping at a well-known discount department store, i was accosted by a family of four walking in a row across the aisle. as i was checking out items to purchase, the family came upon me, the dad saying "excuse us," as if i had anyplace else to go. i chose to stand my ground, causing the mom to glare at me and the family to pass me single-file. in this manner i prevented an outbreak of Expanding Family Syndrome.

by earpuller April 27, 2006

booger miner

a person with the disgusting habit of picking his or her nose while visible to the public. nothing subtle about the booger miner's approach-finger(s) inserted beyond the knuckle, accompanied by much digging around. gross? nauseating? you bet!! the verb form is booger mining.

while riding the bus to work the other day, gerry looked across the aisle at the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen. astonishing face, magnificent hair, perfect figure, and long, slender legs. he tried to avoid staring at her, fearing he'd appear to be uncivilized and boorish, so he didn't notice that she'd inserted her left pinkie finger demurely into her nostril and began vigorously grinding away. finally he could no longer resist; he had to gaze upon her again. turning toward her, he quietly said "excuse me, i don't mean to be forward, but...." and just as he was about to ask her out, she turned toward him, smiling radiantly, and said "that's alright, go ahead." to his horror, gerry learned that this woman, the embodiment of all that is desirable about the opposite sex, was, in fact, a booger miner, for she had neglected to remove her finger from her nose before answering him. dizziness overcame him as he left the bus fourteen blocks from his office just to get away from the terrible thing he'd just witnessed.

by earpuller June 25, 2006

naughty haiku

similar to naughty little rhymes (if this wasn't published, just follow along,) naughty haiku uses the classic japanese poem structure combined with good old American sex-obsession to create a new art form. The form of a haiku is always as follows-
first line=five syllables
second line=seven syllables
third line=five syllables
-so now just add some semi-pornographic, naughty, or just silly ideas, and voila! naughty haiku!

here some examples of naughty haiku-

her bosom heaving,
jiggling, as she runs away
from me, down the road.

sometimes i stare out
from my window, watching her
as she trims her bush.

gee, i didn't know
she was only fifteen, sir.
off to jail with me.

the couple wriggled
and writhed, moaning in passion;
then the tape ran out.

by earpuller July 15, 2006

buddy buttocks

a term of non-sexual affection used between straight males; may be exclusive to the milwaukee area, circa 1982.

lars: hey guys, what's going on?
kevin: BUDDY BUTTOCKS!!!
lars: say it a little louder, kev, some folks in the next county might not have heard you.
kevin: OK!! BUDDY BUTTOCKS!!
lars: i should have gone to marqutte.
kevin: but i'm glad you didn't, otherwise we'd never hang out, BUDDY BUTTOCKS!!
the rest of us: enough already!!!

by earpuller September 16, 2005

Meryl Sheep

American film actress, known for her work in such films as "The French Lieutenant's Ewe," "Lambchop's Choice," "Fleecewood," "Sheep-Devil" (also starring Roseanne Baah,) and her current film, "The Wolf Wears Prada."

In her long and illustrious career, Meryl Sheep's only regret is not getting the role of Clarice Starling in "Silence of the Lambs."

by earpuller July 6, 2006

argo

the key word in a classic "knock-knock" joke.

pat: knock-knock!
nat: who's there?
pat: argo.
nat: argo who?
pat: ARGO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

by earpuller November 21, 2010