bachelor bob's definitions

I'd suck her dick

A dysphemism for infatuation, specifically a man's for a woman. Used to express such extreme infatuation that the man would go to any length to please the woman in an attempt to enter into a relationship with her. Discovering "her" to actually be a transvestite or transgendered male and the heterosexual male then proceeding to perform oral sex on the "woman" is the quintessential example of extreme infatuation. This implies that any lesser requirement for a relationship is well within the man's willingness to provide.

boB: "Jacey is so hot, I'd suck her dick!"
Paul: "Yes, she has many fine qualities, but that's certainly beyond the pale."
boB: "Yeah, well, we'll see who taps that ass first."
Paul: "Ironically, that may be 'her' primary sexual orifice. Let's hope you can achieve copulatory success without resorting to such lengths."
boB: "Wa?"

by Bachelor boB January 7, 2011

in vitrarian

|in ˈvēˌtre(ə)rēən|

noun

a person who does not eat meat, except that which is synthetically grown in labs (beginning circa 2012), especially for moral, religious, or health reasons.

Flower Child: "Sun Beam, what are you doing?! Are you oppressing one of our Earth sisters?"

Sun Beam: "Re-find your Chi. This Big Mac was grown in a petri dish. I've evolved from vegan to in vitrarian."

Flower Child: "Shit. Grow me a Bacon Double Cheeseburger!"

by Bachelor boB May 5, 2012

malk

malk

noun

Any milk alternative made from a non-dairy source (e.g. soy, rice, oats, spelt, bulgar, hemp, coconut, almond, cashew, hazelnut, macadamia, pistachio, sunflower, etc.). Since the National Milk Producers Federation is trying to convince the Food and Drug Administration to outlaw the labeling of any product as "milk" that does not come from a mammary gland, a new name is needed. And since humans should not be drinking liquid from any mammary gland other than a human's, "malk" is definitely the healthiest and least gross choice after a person is weaned.

Mom: "Do you want whole or chocolate milk on your Frosted Flakes?"
Son: "Seriously?! Do I look like a calf or are you just trying to make me diabetic? I'll take hemp malk on my organic, non-GMO, fair trade muesli, thank you very much."

by Bachelor boB January 3, 2017

nipliptical

A sexual partner used as exercise equipment, specifically for aerobic, standing, rear-entry penetration. To qualify, the penetrator must manipulate his partner's nipples.

co-worker: "Bob, you're looking fit."

Bob: "You bet! It's amazing what 10 minutes a day on my nipliptical does for the glutes."

by Bachelor boB May 19, 2007

PELs

|pē ē elz|

noun

Acronym for Pussy-Eating Lips. The equivalent of DSLs (Dick-Sucking Lips), but used on a vulva. Typically just fuller than average lips, but on a face one would enjoy receiving cunnilingus from. Can belong to either a man or a woman.

If Angelina Jolie ate hair pie, her DSLs would be mad PELs!

White chicks often develop jungle fever when they realize that the average spear chucker not only has more meat whistle, but also some serious PELs.

by Bachelor boB December 15, 2011

mindfulness

When a woman momentarily possesses the mental state of a man (i.e. pays attention and thinks rationally). This is apparently a novel state for most First World women, nearly akin to achieving orgasm.

In a moment of mindfulness, I put down my Danielle Steele novel and felt a wave of despair and suicidal thoughts, suddenly seeing my life for the pointlessly hollow shell of consumerism that it is. Then I downed a mimosa and admired my nails until the clarity passed.

by Bachelor boB July 11, 2021

Vagina Distortion Field

Like the notorious reality distortion field (RDF) of Steve Jobs, a Vagina Distortion Field (VDF) affects perception, which thereby alters behavior. When someone is affected by a woman's VDF, every aspect of her being seemingly improves in that person's view. A woman's VDF typically only influences those who have not yet had access to said vagina. Being warped by a VDF is different than being pussy whipped. With the latter, the whipped individual behaves abnormally to maintain access to the pussy, but perception of the vagina owner is not altered. The VDF often has the greatest affect on the owner of the vagina, making her vastly overestimate her worth, influence, and potential.

Spock: "Captain, you are once again risking the lives of the entire crew in the pursuit of some green slag."

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, your libido-less Vulcan logic fails to grasp the enormity of the daily Pon Farr that starship command subjects on a man."

Spock: "Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov, move the Enterprise as far as is necessary and raise whatever shield is needed to protect the captain's mind from the insidious Vagina Distortion Field that is destroying his judgement."

Kirk: "Spawwwwwwwwwk!!!"

<cue Kirk fight music>

by Bachelor boB January 17, 2012