Sir Bartholomew McTavish's definitions

fuckmas

What Disney and all other "child" orientated businesses are doing to us at Christmas. Wishing us a 'Merry Fuckmas, you've just paid us £40 for a piece of shit, you stupid fucking moron. You keep this economy going and you buy our crap?'

At Eurodisney
DAD: Go say hi to Mickey son,
SON: Okay Dad. Hiya Mickey, we thought you were great in Steamboat Willy
MICKEY MOUSE COSTUME MAN:Fuck you kid, give me your watch, cash and toys. (punches kid in face and signs Dad's car in own feaces.) Merry Fuckmas assholes.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish December 29, 2008

Christmarse

That time of year when you just can't be arsed to do anything or can't be arsed to bother with Christmas. It's about the same time all the shops cash in off December 25th by starting their X-Mas sales in Mid July and which don't end until the end of February.

Enid: Cyril, are you going to put up the decorations? It's only four days until the birthday of our Lord?

Cyril: I can't be Christmarsed.

Enid: Oh go on, I'll let you fondle my new hip?

Cyril: Fuck off you slag.I should've married your sister. At least she swallowed.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish December 21, 2008

crosstitute

A ho that hasn't recieved her dough

Look at that famous TV hooker Oprah always going on about how poor people are cool when she has billions of bucks tucked away herself. I bet if she didn't get paid she be a mean crosstitute.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish June 21, 2008

dreast

A breast that's dressed.

ie: A boob still in its Bouncy Rigid Alembic (B.R.A.)

A 'dreast' can be spotted in the first thirty seconds of any adult man-milk producing video production.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish August 20, 2009

cuntstard

1. A person who is a bastard and a cunt. Or a mixture of both.

2. Misspelt custard.

ELSIE: Any of you guys reckon that new guy at works a cuntstard?
MILLIE: Yeah, who is he?
ELSIE: My husband, oh and you're fired bitch.


FRANK: Hey did you try Lisa's cuntstard?
DEREK: That's my wife, you fuck! (Hits him.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 19, 2008

facecool

facecool is what happens when you try to type out Facebook in a text message with T9 predictive-fucking-text on.

DAVID: Whoah, Rebecca, Victoria's on to us, somebody just text me saying that Victoria's figured out how to use a computer and has just spotted our facecool page.

REBECCA: What the fuck is facecool?

DAVID: I don't know, it's in this text. Can we go to Disney Land Rebecca, you promised.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 5, 2009

Funting

1. Misspelt other word for swaddling material wrapped firmly around an infant,baby or politician to ensure warmth & love.

2. Blankets that have to bolted firmly around a woman while having intercourse in the dark, 'incase God sees her naked' is the usual excuse, but she quite okay with being starkers on her own in her backgarden/playground/webcast.
(Possibly a woman who is a barren lesbian, farmhand.)

MAN: Darling I know we've only known eachother fifteen years and are having a healthy, normal,if awfully infrequent, sexual relationship with one another but would it be ok if we could, perhaps, have sexual relations on top of the funting tonight as I've never so much as seen one of your nipples! The closest is that drawing, that I drew, ten years ago.

WOMAN: (Uninteligable gibberish to the effect of 'No,sex is all you ever think about, you lazy,unshaven,quite wellhung, perverted,disgusting, patriarchal, misogynistic bastard. Give me more female orgasms while I laugh at your penis & talk to my friends about how it only gets wet once a week.' etcetera usual guff,excuses & insults.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 1, 2008