Rev. Johnny Blumpkin's definitions

herd of pachyderms

A group of 3-8 fat women, who travel together on social outings for protection and moral support. They are known to frequent Ladies Night and all-you-can-eat buffets.

I came to the bar to find some hot action, not get trampled by a herd of pachyderms.

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin February 12, 2019

winter penis

The phenomenon where, in colder winter months, vasoconstriction leads to an average of 30% less girth in the male genitalia. This is due to the body trying to conserve heat, thereby shutting down certain blood pathways to stay warm; the penis being one of them...

Guy 1: Polar vortex hit this week, and I swear my dick shrunk like a half inch in diameter. I don't even want to show my girlfriend...

Guy 2: Sounds like a case of Winter Penis

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin February 3, 2019

Kiss the Converse

An insult uttered by Sho'Nuff in the 1985 film "the Last Dragon". It means to bow down to ones enemy and pay respect by kissing their feet.

You think you're the shit, but you ain't, bow down and Kiss the Converse.

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin January 2, 2019

aborted fetal colada

The mix of pus and menses that drips from a woman's birth canal after an abortion procedure. It is high in vitamins, and definitely leaves a dark Kool-Aid mustache.

My girlfriend just had an abortion, so I can't wait to slurp up that aborted fetal colada!

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin February 18, 2019

Swamp Dust

The flakes of skin that line your underwear after a long day of scratching your sweaty ballbag.

I was loading the washing machine this morning and sneezed from all the swamp dust flying off my dirty boxers.

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin August 29, 2019

adrian peterson'd

The act of a child getting their ass whooped by their parent for a petty reason.

Last week I was picking my daughter up from school, when another kid dropped his backpack on the ground and got totally Adrian Peterson'd by his dad.

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin March 1, 2018

p'skeezle skazzel

A phrase invented by accident one day because my friends called me predictable, so I just uttered the first nonsense that came to mind. It is both a greeting, an expression of excitement and a phrase to shout in celebration.

(knock on door)

My friend "come in"
(door opens)
Me: p'skeezle skazzel
My friend: what?
Me: who's predictable now bitch?

by Rev. Johnny Blumpkin May 5, 2018