jimmy carr

Tosser that seems to present 72% of Channel 4's output, especially their 100 Greatest lists, but is about as funny as a case of cholera. He must have a damn good agent, though.

"I wonder who'll be presenting The 100 Greatest Nazi War Atrocities on Channel 4? Oh look, it's that wanker Jimmy Carr. Can't they afford somebody better or something?"

by OD Smith March 07, 2005

whine/11

An example of whenever George W Bush tries to push through another totalitarian policy onto the American people, citing 9/11 or the "terrorist threat" as the sole reason.

"We must fight these terrorist killers."
The Patriot Act.

by OD Smith March 14, 2005

nathan barley

Proof that even Chris Morris can write a pile of crap.

How did the genius behind The Day Today and Brass Eye come up with unwatchable catshite like Nathan Barley?

by OD Smith March 10, 2005

ES40

The least charming aspect from those charmless fuckers at New Deal.

Whenever you get an increase in your benefits, be it when you're placed on a six month course or turn 25, you will receive one of these in the mail. It states that you didn't apply for one of the shitty jobs they gave you without your consent three months ago (every time), and that if you do not explain why, you will have that hard earned £20 extra taken from you.

Basically, they hope you get so pissed off you write "Fuck you" on the slip, at which point they'll cancel your claim.

"Why did you not apply for a job that is three hours travel for you with a wage that does not cover travel expenses? We want our money back, just because we're a bunch of wankers who can't do our jobs properly, so should be in your place."

by OD Smith April 15, 2005

Brooklyn Beckham

Stupid name for a child with stupid parents. You know the kid will need counselling after the huge amount of bullying he'll receive at school - and that's before the kids remember who his parents are...

"Thank you Mummy and Daddy for not conceiving me in Scunthorpe."

by OD Smith March 31, 2005

French military victories

When the French win in battle - which they have done, only Americans won't believe it because they're pissy and moronic, in equal measure.

A list of notable French military victories:
Battle of Allia (387 BC)
Battle of Gergovia (52 BC)
Battle of Soissons (486)
Battle of Tolbaic (496)
Battle of Vouille (507)
Battle of Tours (732)
Battle of Pavia (773)
Battle for Paris (885-6)
Battle of Val-es-Dunes (1047)
Battle of Hastings (1066)
Battle of Dorylaeum (1097)
Battle of Ascalon (1099)
Battle of Montgisard (1177)
Battle of Bouvines (1214)
Battle of Morlaix (1342)
Battle of Ardres (1351)
Battle of Cocherel (1364)
Battle of Montiel (1369)
Battle of La Rochelle (1372)
Battle of Chiset (1373)
Battle of Roosebeke (1382)
Battle of Bauge (1421)
Siege of Orleans (1428-9)
Battle of Jargeau (1429)
Battle of Beaugency (1429)
Battle of Patay (1429)
Siege of Compiegne (1429)
Battle of Gerbevoy (1435)
Battle of Formigny (1450)
Battle of Castillon (1453)
Battle of Agnadello (1509)
Battle of Marignano (1515)
Battle of Ceresole (1544)
Battle of Rocroi (1643)
Battle of Nordlingen (1645)
Battle of Lens (1648)
Battle of Dunes (1658)
Battle of Fleurus (1690)
Battle of Beachy Head (1690)
Battle of Landen (1693)
Battle of Denain (1712)
Battle of Fontenoy (1745)
Battle of Roucoux (1746)
Battle of Lauffeld (1747)
Battle of Hastenbeck (1757)
Battle of Carillon (1758)
Battle of Yorktown (1781)
Battle of the Chesapeake (1781)
Battle of Valmy (1792)
Battle of Fleurus (1794)
Battle of Lodi (1796)
Battle of Castiglione (1796)
Battle of the Bridge of Arcole (1796)
Battle of Diersheim (1797)
Battle of Rivoli (1797)
Battle of the Pyramids (1798)
Battle of Mount Tabor (1799)
Battle of Abukir (1799)
Second Battle of Zurich (1799)
Battle of Marengo (1800)
Battle of Hohenlinden (1800)
Battle of Austerlitz (1805)
Battle of Jena (1806)
Battle of Jena-Auerstedt (1806)
Battle of Friedland (1807)
Battle of Tudela (1808)
Battle of Ucles (1809)
Battle of Ciudad-Real (1809)
Battle of Eckmuhl (1809)
Battle of Wagram (1809)
Battle of Medellin (1809)
Battle of Ocana (1809)
Battle of Smolensk (1812)
Battle of Borodino (1812)
Battle of Dresden (1813)
Battle of Lutzen (1813)
Battle of Vauchamps (1814)
Battle of Ligny (1815)
Battle of Trocadero (1823)
Battle of Navarino (1827)
Invasion of Algeria (1830)
Battle of Balaclava (1854)
Battle of Malakoff (1855)
Battle of Solferino (1859)
Battle of Foochow (1884)
First Battle of the Marne (1914)
Togoland (1914)
Battle of Ypres (1914)
Battle of Verdun (1916)
Battle of Vimy Ridge (1917)
Second Battle of the Marne (1918)
Battle of Belleau Wood (1918)
Battle of Chateau-Thierry (1918)
Battle of Amiens (1918)
Battle of Maysalun (1922)
Battle of Koufra (1941)
Battle of Normandy (1944)
Operation Dragoon (1944)
Operation Desert Storm (1991)
Cote d'Ivoire (2003)

by OD Smith August 24, 2008

cets

1. A place where embittered and unhelpful wastes of time work, telling you how to get a shitty job and deny you the opportunity to work where you want. This ignores the fact that they were on a course there and had no chance of getting a job themselves, so decided to work there and generally take out their frustrations on the poor sods stuck there.

2. Home of most New Deal courses, unemployable chavs and bigots, and an overhanging sense of despair.

"For the next six months you will be placed at the nearest CETS Centre and patronised until you can't be fucked to play along, while surrounded by ignorance on a scale not seen since the last BNP conference." (paraphrased, of course)

by OD Smith March 15, 2005