Definitions by Monkey's Dad

applausible excuse 

An explanation for your failures, so spectacular that even those you have let down will put their hands together.

Asked why there was no quarterly report, the vp replied, with the straightest of faces, that he had been abducted on his way to the office, given a medical exam by aliens aboard their UFO, and that the alien's dog did actually eat all his paperwork, and he was extremely sorry. An applausible excuse, it seemed, as he got a laugh from the CEO, clapping filled the conference room, and was not fired for two weeks.

applausible excuse by Monkey's Dad March 13, 2020

barborian

A professional haircutter who won't stop chattering about dull trivia.

He sat in the chair, prepared for the barborian to give him a trim and a temporary lobotomy. He did not care who Justin Bieber was dating, what next week's weather was supposed to be, or who might have a shot at the playoffs.

barborian by Monkey's Dad March 12, 2020

ironyclad 

Protected from sincerity or deeply-felt emotion by an ironic attitude.

Ironyclad as always, her eulogy for her mother began, "You all know mom? She sends her regrets at being unable to attend today's festivities", but the mourners all understood it was her defense against grief.

ironyclad by Monkey's Dad March 12, 2020

sects axe 

What religious dyslexics do with each other in the privacy of their bedroom.

They kept a diary detailing their devout if kinky sects axe, confident that if it were ever discovered, no one could decipher it.

sects axe by Monkey's Dad March 12, 2020

The Religious Left

Liberals who have their own definition of "the right to life".

Unlike members of the Religious Right, the Religious Left doesn't advocate ripping children from their mother's arms and putting them in cages, putting prisoners to death when witnesses have recanted and they have been refused the legal admission of DNA exoneration, or the necessity of carrying assault rifles into church. Just sayin'.

The Religious Left by Monkey's Dad March 12, 2020

masturetribution 

To lie beside a sleeping partner who has refused sex, and silently bring oneself to climax.

In a defiant act of masturetribution she gave herself a dozen orgasms, listening to him sleep, feeling it served him right for giving her the cold shoulder all week.

masturetribution by Monkey's Dad March 12, 2020

who appointed you? 

Asked of anyone who steps up to fill a leadership vacuum, by those who are just standing around complaining and looking lost.

Often followed by the word "God", in a variety of ways.

"Who appointed you? God?"

"Who appointed you God?"

"Who appointed you?"

"God, actually. Get over it."

who appointed you? by Monkey's Dad March 12, 2020