Definitions by Dusty's Baby Powder
Grandpa Goo
A hair gel commonly used by grandpas. Often their grandsons comment on how good their hair looks. It is often sold in jars with Ed Crankshaft's picture on them. He has been known to use it.
Nelson: (let's out a big wolf whistle) Whoah, boy! You're getting all gussied up. What's going on?
Ed: I'm fixing my hair. I'm going bowling with a bunch of the bus drivers. You know, your Uncle Rudy and your Aunt Lena and all them.
Nelson: Wow! What's that stuff all in your hair?
Ed: (starts laughing) That's my Grandpa Goo. Hey, wanna come with me? The gang's gonna flip when you use this.
Nelson: Nice! (bends his head down) Let's massage this into my mop!
Ed: (growling) That's the ticket! No grandpa is complete without a good hairdo. All you need is some Grandpa Goo!
Ed: I'm fixing my hair. I'm going bowling with a bunch of the bus drivers. You know, your Uncle Rudy and your Aunt Lena and all them.
Nelson: Wow! What's that stuff all in your hair?
Ed: (starts laughing) That's my Grandpa Goo. Hey, wanna come with me? The gang's gonna flip when you use this.
Nelson: Nice! (bends his head down) Let's massage this into my mop!
Ed: (growling) That's the ticket! No grandpa is complete without a good hairdo. All you need is some Grandpa Goo!
Grandpa Goo by Dusty's Baby Powder April 12, 2011
Ed Stretches
An exercise program invented by Ed Crankshaft, done by him when played for the Toledo Mudhens. Of course it includes the Mudhen Bend, but it also includes other things. It is performed on a therapy ball and can be done anywhere.
Lena: Ed, I'm all worked up. I''m stiff. This bowling ball feels like lead.
Ed: (starts laughing at her) Well, have no fear, Ed Crankshaft is here. I know how to fix it! Try my Ed Stretches. They'll help.
Lena: Come on, medicine ball therapy. What are you talking about, Edward?
Ed: (looking at her stern) Lena Alice Johnson! Trust me, this always worked for me and it will work for you, too. Just try it.
Lena: Well, if it will help me bowl, sure, I'll try it.
(Ed and Lena start stretching on the ball)
Lena: Wow! You were right. Ed Stretches really work.
Ed: (laughing again) Lena, I told you they would. That's ball's gonna go down that lane like a hot knife through bacon!
Ed: (starts laughing at her) Well, have no fear, Ed Crankshaft is here. I know how to fix it! Try my Ed Stretches. They'll help.
Lena: Come on, medicine ball therapy. What are you talking about, Edward?
Ed: (looking at her stern) Lena Alice Johnson! Trust me, this always worked for me and it will work for you, too. Just try it.
Lena: Well, if it will help me bowl, sure, I'll try it.
(Ed and Lena start stretching on the ball)
Lena: Wow! You were right. Ed Stretches really work.
Ed: (laughing again) Lena, I told you they would. That's ball's gonna go down that lane like a hot knife through bacon!
Ed Stretches by Dusty's Baby Powder April 7, 2011
Crankshaft Bowl
A bowling tournament held by all the school districts in Ohio annually. It is most notably played between Centerville school district and Blue Valley school district. The winner gets the Edward R. Crankshaft memorial trophy. The trophy travels from year to year depending on who won it last. Centerville has won it the most times.
Ed: (jumping up and down in excitement) We won again! The Crankshaft Bowl is ours!! Take that Blue Valley schools!!
Roger: (running back and forth down the bowling lanes screaming) Centerville rocks! Centerville rocks!!
Elmer: (gets a real stern look on his face) Roger, shut up! So we won, big deal! I don't want to hear another word about it you hear me?
Roger: (is hurt by the sterness of Elmer's voice, begins to cry) I'm sorry, I just got excited.
Max: (really mad, blue steam coming out of his ears) You won't be so lucky next time, Crankshaft! Next time, Blue Valley is taking that trophy back to Ashtabula.
Ed: Easy, you'll win it someday, trust me. Just don't get so excited over it.
Steve: Yeah, take it easy. This is the Crankshaft Bowl. You're supposed to have fun with it.
Ed: (holding the trophy like a dumbell, crunching his bicep) Sweet victory! Burgandy and gold rule and navy and powder blue drool! (sets the trophy down and pumps his fist in the air three times)
Roger: (running back and forth down the bowling lanes screaming) Centerville rocks! Centerville rocks!!
Elmer: (gets a real stern look on his face) Roger, shut up! So we won, big deal! I don't want to hear another word about it you hear me?
Roger: (is hurt by the sterness of Elmer's voice, begins to cry) I'm sorry, I just got excited.
Max: (really mad, blue steam coming out of his ears) You won't be so lucky next time, Crankshaft! Next time, Blue Valley is taking that trophy back to Ashtabula.
Ed: Easy, you'll win it someday, trust me. Just don't get so excited over it.
Steve: Yeah, take it easy. This is the Crankshaft Bowl. You're supposed to have fun with it.
Ed: (holding the trophy like a dumbell, crunching his bicep) Sweet victory! Burgandy and gold rule and navy and powder blue drool! (sets the trophy down and pumps his fist in the air three times)
Crankshaft Bowl by Dusty's Baby Powder April 7, 2011
Opalrobics
A workout program done by Opal Crankshaft and Emily Hanson. When they do this you can often find them sitting and talking to each other. Its not uncommon Emily responding with something witty to something Opal says. Its a great conversation piece as well as a workout.
Opal: What am I gonna get Earl for Christmas next year?
Emily: An Opalrobics DVD?
Opal: (shocked) What in the world would he want with that? Emily Hanson what are you talking about?
Emily: Opalrobics, you know. You, teaching aerobics?
Opal: I get it! Opal plus aerobics! Nice!!
Emily: Its gonna be a hit. Old women everywhere could do it!
(All of a sudden Beatrice Middleton charges into the room)
Beatrice: Hey Hanson. I heard that! You're gonna get it now. I'm gonna work you. We're gonna do this like a Gunny Granny! TEN HUT! MOVE IT NOW!
Opal: (laughing) Beatrice, why do you do that?
Beatrice: Just to scare you and make your heart work better. Its Opalrobics after all!
Emily: An Opalrobics DVD?
Opal: (shocked) What in the world would he want with that? Emily Hanson what are you talking about?
Emily: Opalrobics, you know. You, teaching aerobics?
Opal: I get it! Opal plus aerobics! Nice!!
Emily: Its gonna be a hit. Old women everywhere could do it!
(All of a sudden Beatrice Middleton charges into the room)
Beatrice: Hey Hanson. I heard that! You're gonna get it now. I'm gonna work you. We're gonna do this like a Gunny Granny! TEN HUT! MOVE IT NOW!
Opal: (laughing) Beatrice, why do you do that?
Beatrice: Just to scare you and make your heart work better. Its Opalrobics after all!
Opalrobics by Dusty's Baby Powder April 2, 2011
Opalax
A mix of the words 'relax' and 'Opal'. Used for when Opal Crankshaft relaxes on the couch when she's stressed out or seems sick. She once told her grandson, Nelson, she was our of sorts, but he didn't know what she meant.
Opal: I'm all out of sorts today. This is crazy. I think it's time to Opalax.
Myrtle: What do you mean? Opalax? Now, I know about relaxing. I used to be a massage therapist, you know?
Opal: It's a mix of the words 'relax' with my name. I use it when I stretch out on the couch. You know how us old women are!
Myrtle: That's wild. I never heard of it before. In Aiwa Beach, Hawaii where I'm from we never even think of Opalaxing. We do pineapple massage down there.
Opal: (shocked) Pineapple massage? Myrtle, what are you talking about?
Myrtle: Come on, sweetheart. Just try it. It'll relax you more than you ever thought. (takes crushed pineapple and starts rubbing it on Opal)
Opal: Oh yeah, this is creamy. I'm all Opalaxed now!
Myrtle: What do you mean? Opalax? Now, I know about relaxing. I used to be a massage therapist, you know?
Opal: It's a mix of the words 'relax' with my name. I use it when I stretch out on the couch. You know how us old women are!
Myrtle: That's wild. I never heard of it before. In Aiwa Beach, Hawaii where I'm from we never even think of Opalaxing. We do pineapple massage down there.
Opal: (shocked) Pineapple massage? Myrtle, what are you talking about?
Myrtle: Come on, sweetheart. Just try it. It'll relax you more than you ever thought. (takes crushed pineapple and starts rubbing it on Opal)
Opal: Oh yeah, this is creamy. I'm all Opalaxed now!
Opalax by Dusty's Baby Powder March 23, 2011
Sleep Watching
A condition of falling asleep while watching TV. Most often seen when a boring show has just ended. It is most often found in Ben Hatley but also is seen in his wife, Olivia. They don't watch TV together much because of this. It is intensely hard to treat.
Ben: Hey Liv, I think 'Bodies in Motion' is on the TV. Want to watch it?
Liv: Sure, but we'll probably end up sleep watching.
Gilad: No you won't!! If you're gonna watch me you better do it?
Myrtle: Stupid Rascal, making me stiff like that. Maybe this will help.
Ralph: Count me in too, I need a workout.
Necky: You know, this is cool. I used to watch this when it was on before. Great workout.
Gil: (laughing at Necky) Did you like it?
Necky: Yes, I did. Used to do it when I was in the Marines. (gives a salute and screams 'Hoorah!')
(Ben and Liv start stretching on each other. Gil is laughing at Ben and Liv.)
Beatrice: Ten hut!!! One, two, three, four, you'd better work yourself some more!
Ben: (yawn) I knew we'd end up sleep watching. This is tough!
Liv: Sure, but we'll probably end up sleep watching.
Gilad: No you won't!! If you're gonna watch me you better do it?
Myrtle: Stupid Rascal, making me stiff like that. Maybe this will help.
Ralph: Count me in too, I need a workout.
Necky: You know, this is cool. I used to watch this when it was on before. Great workout.
Gil: (laughing at Necky) Did you like it?
Necky: Yes, I did. Used to do it when I was in the Marines. (gives a salute and screams 'Hoorah!')
(Ben and Liv start stretching on each other. Gil is laughing at Ben and Liv.)
Beatrice: Ten hut!!! One, two, three, four, you'd better work yourself some more!
Ben: (yawn) I knew we'd end up sleep watching. This is tough!
Sleep Watching by Dusty's Baby Powder March 23, 2011
Gunny Five
A handshake used by Marine Corps soldiers. First invented by Gunnery Sergeant Beatrice Middleton in 1945. Done this way: first, slapping a high five; sliding the hand lower and giving a slightly lower five; closing of fist and tucking the thumb in; then bumping them while saying "Eagle, globe, and anchor"; then as the hand is pulled and shaken and "Away we go!" is said. Also, when the fives are given, "Up high" and "down low" are said as well.
Amos: Hey Sarge, there's a party down in the defac.
Orville: (confused, not knowing what Amos is saying) This crazy thing. What's this hand thing they're doing? Are they trying to show off?
Beatrice: No, it's the Gunny Five. I invented this. Let me show you how.
(Beatrice gives the Gunny Five to Amos. Amos passes the Gunny Five to Orville)
Beatrice: You do it that way, it's easy!
Martha: These men are going crazy. What's with all these fives? I want to learn how.
Beatrice: (demonstrating to Martha) Up high, down low, eagle, globe, and anchor, and away we go!
Martha: (yelling) That's funky. I'm going to have to teach all the soldiers that.
(Orville and Amos wink at each other then look at Martha and give the Gunny Five to Martha)
Orville: (confused, not knowing what Amos is saying) This crazy thing. What's this hand thing they're doing? Are they trying to show off?
Beatrice: No, it's the Gunny Five. I invented this. Let me show you how.
(Beatrice gives the Gunny Five to Amos. Amos passes the Gunny Five to Orville)
Beatrice: You do it that way, it's easy!
Martha: These men are going crazy. What's with all these fives? I want to learn how.
Beatrice: (demonstrating to Martha) Up high, down low, eagle, globe, and anchor, and away we go!
Martha: (yelling) That's funky. I'm going to have to teach all the soldiers that.
(Orville and Amos wink at each other then look at Martha and give the Gunny Five to Martha)
Gunny Five by Dusty's Baby Powder March 18, 2011