A person who, after at least three years of intense, post-graduate studies, must pass a very difficult proficiency exam (the bar exam) in most states in order to do someting as simple as defend a person against a DWI charge. Of course, this moron that is charged with the DWI is probably the same person who wrote the definition of attorney as "assmonkey," because this human stain has no idea (and only subscribes to juvenile/comedic groupthink) what most attorneys go through to be zealous advocates of their clients.

Naturally, there are bad attorneys, just as all priests don't molest little boys. There are mechanisms in place to ensure that even attorneys accused of misconduct are given the same fair tribunal that everyone else is entitled to before being suspended or disbarred.

Attorneys are some of the most powerful people in the nation: they can defend citizens to prevent them losing their property, liberty, and even their very lives. Some of the more prominent attorneys in the United States were its founding fathers. Others fought for the emancipation of slaves, voting rights for women and minorities, desegregation of public schools and facilities, and the very freedom to call them assmonkeys. Before opening your ignorant mouth in the future and engaging in a "lawyer joke," consider where the nation would be without them. For better or worse, we would not be a civilized society without them.

This definition applies primarily to United States attorneys, and not so much to my learned brethren across the pond, namely barristers and solicitors.
John: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?"

Jeff: "I don't know."

John: "One is a bottom-feeder, and the other is a catfish."

Jeff: "You are an ignorant idiot worthy of my wrath, but before I unleash it, go to www.urbandictionary.com and educate yourself on what attorneys really are, fucktard."
by BigZaccyStyle July 19, 2006
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A person that never creates wealth. An attorney waits for some other entity to do something, make something,or have something so that they may attempt to pry some of that wealth away from the entity which actually did domething useful.

Often confused with a duece.

Typical habitat is a golf course.
Jim: I just got a letter from an attorney; we are being sued.

John: Why?

Jim: According to the letter from this attorney, his client wrecked her car last week in front of our business because she was so surprised by all of the cars in our employee parking lot.

John: (Sarcastically) Well there you go, I told you should not employ so many people!
by skimahorn February 21, 2008
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A legislator-in-training who hopes to grow up to be a real politician some day. See job security.
Most legilators either have been, or eventually become attorneys, who practice the very law that legislators write, leading to a horrific conflict of interest between the two professions, by which government of the people is by the attorneys, for the attorneys.
by Downstrike September 14, 2004
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Someone who encourages another person (usually, a friend) to pursue illegal, socially unacceptable, and/or dangerous activities. The encouraged activity will usually result in damage or suffering to the encouraged party, eliciting good times and hilarity for the attorney and other spectators.

This use originated in the Hunter Thompson book "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" which was later adapted into a film by Terry Gilliam.
As your attorney, I advise you to blow off work and get ripped with me.

As your attorney, I advise you to smoke 10 bowls in a row and then ride your bike down this steep hill.
by dodmedium February 10, 2012
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The largest organized crime syndicate ever devised.
hey lets pretend we care about people and help them in their greatest time of need. But we'll make it so complicated and expensive that we'll suck even more money from these stupid losers to make them feel even more stupid and completely helpless and poor that they won't even be able to buy bullets to go postal on everyone that deserves it.
by psychobabbleculvercity March 13, 2011
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1. Incorporates August 30, 2007 definition of the word Cocksucker.
2. Applies to attorneys who take one position on a legal matter.
3. However, in court, they actively exploit the legal matter to their benefit, to the detriment of others.
4. Typically used in situations related to poor ethics where the attorney puts their own personal interest ahead of their client or the courts.
1. (Class Action Settlement) "Did you hear about that settlement for the iThingy Defect? I got .38 cents for it and the attorneys at Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe told us they were doing this out of principle, and not looking for a payday, yet they received $62 million. Those Cocksucking Attorneys!"

2. (Litigation) "I can't believe the courts sanctioned me for bringing a frivolous lawsuit. Schlosky told my case was solid, made me pay him $5,000 to file this lawsuit, and now I have to pay a $10,000 fine to the court! Michael is such a Cocksucking Attorney!

3. (Public Debate) "Did you read Einhorn's argument against using waivers to disclaim fraud in court? Yet this guy is using the same tactics to get his dirty client off the hook? How can this Cocksucking Attorney sleep at night."

4. (Conflict of Interest) "I found out today that Lisa, my attorney for the malpractice suit that left me disabled, is a cousin for the doctor we're suing. How can I trust her when she's spending holidays with that monster. I now question everything she's ever told me about this case, and need to fire her ASAP. She is such a Cocksucking Attorney."

5. (Poorly managed expectations) "That Cocksucking Attorney Ralph told us to expect a windfall from being insulted by the waitress of Bojangles, we paid him over $100,000 to represent us, and all we got were coupons for free pancakes".
by JusticeThePup March 22, 2023
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