The Trojan War was a war between the Trojan army and a bunch of queers from Greece. The only heterosexual in the entire Greek nation was some spartan dude named Menelaus, who was the mentally handicapped son of the dude from 300. One day, Paris, some dude from Troy, got a bj from this chick named Helen, who was Menelaus' wife. This pissed Menelaus off and he decided to go to war with the Trojans. His brother Agamemnon, who was the leader of most of the other Greek cities (Menelaus was always the slow child) decided to go to war with them.

The Trojans were the greatest, awesomest, strongest, and sexiest civilization of the time, but the Greeks gave it their all. The whole war lasted 10 years. The first 9 years were pretty motherfuckin' boring, but in the last year things got a little screwey. The champion of the Greek army was named Achilles, whose buttbuddy Patroclus got killed by some Trojan dude named Hector. Achilles was pissed off he needed to find another buttbuddy, and decided to challenge Hector to a fight. In the duel, Athena kind of Jewed Hector out of all his weapons, but Hector was still raping Achilles (medaphorically), until Hector slipped on one of Achilles' tubes of anal lube that he had dropped. Hector got a concussion and died. Achilles then tied Hector's dead body to the back of his chariot and rode it around Troy and back to the Greek camps, were he had violent anal sex with it (he liked them messy).

Just before Hector died, the race for the position of King of Troy had began. Priam, who had been president before, lost to the emerging Democratic party lead by Odysseus. This is a little known fact, Odysseus was actually a Trojan dude. After those fucking democrats took over, things got pretty fucked up. Paris shot and killed Achilles with an arrow, and was sentenced to death by Odysseus for the hate crime of murdering a homosexual. His execution was carried out by Philoctetes. Odysseus' next act as President was to tear down the walls of Troy and let all the immigrants come into the city as they felt like it. He built a giant wooden horse as a welcome sign for the new immigrants (similar to the Statue of Liberty). The Greeks used this opportunity to try to invade the Trojan city. However, for some reason the Greeks were all walking with a limp that day (probably because of all the butt sex)and couldn't do shit (heh). The Trojans were able to defeat the massive army of homosexual invaders. However, Odyssues was appalled by his city's mistreatment of queers and immigrants and ordered the destruction of the city of Troy for its xenophobic actions. However, one guy named Aeneas was like fuck that and decided to run to Italy, where he founded Rome. He named it the Roman Republic so his civilization would know to always be republicans and not like those fucking liberals.

Oh yah, and there's a chick who fucked a bull using a machine he friend built for her somewhere in the tale. I don't know where the hell it is.
The Iliad and the Odyssey were the two gayest books I ever read, why the fuck do they make you read them in school?

If the Greeks won, why the fuck is it called the "Trojan War"? WTF
by Konages June 9, 2009
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The time of which it takes to get your condom opened and on vs. the time you can maintain an erection without stimulation.
Last night i was with my gurl, when it was sex time i pulled out my condom and it was a trojan war.
by monkeyman122 September 7, 2009
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A war 3000 years ago, which actually probably never happened and is really a load of fuck made up by a Greek Nerd with small genitalia - i'm sure he had a statue commisioned which proves it - (but I'm not complaining because the movie was cool) between the Trojans and the Greeks, who got beat down for most of it and had to use a giant wooden, horse shaped dildo for the greek king with men inside to act as sperm, but who he forgot about and gave to the Trojans as a peace gift when he needed a bigger toy to win, as well as a lot more soldiers (but to be fair the Trojans did have massive walls to defend them and to fire arrows off). The Trojans were too pissed and comatose to give a fuck about the horse so they let it in because they fought apollo creed gave it to them as a gift for raping the hell out of the Greeks for most of the time and stealing their bitches.
Who the fuck is sad enough to look Trojan war up?
by King of troy July 10, 2006
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a position in which a man positions his balls over the girls eyes and his penis along her nose to resemble a trojan war helmet
steve was fuckin around with chelsea and rocked a trojan war helmet on her
by BMW March 30, 2003
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The gateway drug from the Polish Ham Press, it is the act of placing one's scrotum as so in both testicles rest in the eye sockets of the victim whilst the the shaft runs down the length of the nose. Giving the look of a Trojan war helmet.

*Not to be confused with a Mushroom Stamp
"Hey Ty, if you keep leaning your head back in that chair you're gonna get a nice Trojan War Helmet placed on that dome of yours."
by Fat Goose November 9, 2015
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Draping you wang over the forehead and nose of the unsuspecting victim, therefore resembling a trojan war helmet.
Dude, Jerry was sitting in the chair and I snuck up behind him and gave 'em the old trojan war helmet.
by ECGXChuck March 23, 2006
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The act of placing ones erect phalice over the forehead of ones partner, extending from the top of the forehead past the tip of the nose (hopefully). Thus mimicking the old helmuts used by Trojans warriors.
A Trojan War Hammer, if done correctly, can result in a simultaneous teabagging.
by Nick Straughan June 20, 2006
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