Platonic blowjob

The platonic idea of love is non-physical, so there’s a natural irony in this kind of thing. The word platonic with the word blowjob is automatically an oxymoron. So, the platonic blowjob is a particular kind of act between two people who claim to be friends yet are sexually dependant on one and other (either by desire or sudden necessity). In other words, it’s a kind of booty call where one sucks the cock of the other to save or strengthen the friendship.

Amy: What do you think are the political ramifications of China switching to nuclear power?
Mj: Hey, Amy, I’m sorry but I’m too horny too listen. I think I’m going to have to booty call my ex or hit on that pig drinking by herself over by the pool table.
Amy: No, don’t leave me alone.
Well, then what?
I have an idea! I’ll give you a platonic blowjob!
(Amy drops to her knees in front of MJ mphhhphh mphph mphphphhphhhhhh)
Ah, thanks. I think that China modernizing to all nuclear reactors will have a profound impact on the price of oil. It will drop . . .
(an example of a friendship saved by the Platonic Blowjob)

John: Are you dating Amy?
MJ: No, I like drinking with her.
John: Aha. She's been giving you platonic blowjobs, hasn't she? What a pig!

Platonic blowjob by Pigslut Master March 16, 2008

Get merch

Get the Platonic blowjob mug.

See more merch

Platonic Blowjob

An act of fellatio given as a non-sexual reward for accomplishing a difficult task. The reason for fellatio rather than a material reward stems from the absolute truth that fellatio is awesome. It is generally reserved for monumental feats of accomplishment - ex. landing a major client account in record time, where the potential client was leaning away from ones firm.

This blowjob is non-sexual. No attraction need (or should) exist between the giver and receiver. Receipt or gift of a PBJ is not considered homosexual if given between males, but ONLY if the PBJ is given for a legitimately monumental achievement.

Jerry: I landed the VCorp account overnight - and they were even thinking of going with the other guys!
Rob: Jerry, that's amazing. We've had sales team after sales team tell us that account was impossible! And I just assigned it to you three days ago! Tell you what, meet me in my office. You've earned a Platonic Blowjob!

Alice: Tim, I can't believe you were able to complete the entire backup automation in two hours. It even tags changes and encrypts everything! Tomorrow morning, I'll see you in your cube for a PBJ.

Platonic Blowjob by ffoodd October 13, 2009

Get merch

plutonic blow job

When your platonic friend gives you a blow job and its the better than you anything you could imagine. You never knew blow jobs that good were out in the universe, and you doubted they really exist, much like the planet Pluto.

JB: Damn, I got a plutonic blow job the other day from Emily, it was fucking amazing!
Alex: You're so lucky, bro!

plutonic blow job by ohheykittykitty July 24, 2019

Get merch

Hate Sink

A person you hate intensely not because they deserve such hatred but because they serve as a focus for your general hatred. A healthy way to dispense with excess animosity.

Jake's not really that big an asshole. He just serves as my hate sink.

Hate Sink by The great prophet Zarquon August 7, 2016

Word of the Day on July 26, 2026

Get merch

funiosity

The art of being peculiar, but in an amusing fashion.

"Wow, look at that dog running on three legs"
- "Yeah, that sure is a funiosity"

funiosity by Supersonic Stevie November 23, 2007

Word of the Day on July 25, 2026

Get merch

Toe Rag

A toe rag was originally a foot wrapping used, since mediaeval times up until the mid-nineteenth century, to protect the foot from chafing by boots or shoes. As these were, quite literally, rags they weren’t usually washed, and so with use they became very smelly until they were thrown away. Because of the similarity in smell, toe rag also became the name applied to dried, salted cod or other things with a strong, unpleasant, fishy smell. It didn’t take that long before the name was applied to someone who was an obnoxious, unpleasant OIC.

1 “Socks! Those aren’t socks you smelly git, they’re toe rags!”
2 “What have you been cooking? Smells like toe rag!”
3 “I can smell ‘er fanny from ‘ere, proper toe rag.”
4 That Heale Malcolm is a right toe rag.

Toe Rag by AKACroatalin November 29, 2016

Word of the Day on July 24, 2026

Get merch

Eternity leave

When some resigns or retires from a job, they are on "eternity leave". This can also refer to someone who has passed away, especially someone who worked somewhere for a long time, retired/resigned, then passed away later.

Oh I'm sorry, you didn't know that Kelly is on eternity leave? She resigned and moved to Hawaii!

With regrets I would like to inform you that my boss is officially on eternity leave. I will never see or hear them again. Ever.

Eternity leave by LingDanc803 February 7, 2023

Word of the Day on July 23, 2026

Get merch