"Crossfit Strong" is very much
like being "Weightwatchers Thin", i.e. you might think you're hot
shit, but out in the real world, you're 2 milkshakes away from greenpeace pushing you back into the ocean
like the overbloated land cetacean that you have become.
With their total lack of linear or otherwise strength progression programming, and instead random, jerking, as-fast-as-fucking-possible and fuck the form, exercise, your average crossfitter will build the kind of strength that would impress a whole playground full of 8 year olds. Until the 10 year olds turned up and out-lifted them (whilst using vastly superior form).
You might think half-squatting a PVC pipe 30 times is impressive, if you're surrounded by similar
white, middle class, cult-buddies. You'll probably harp on with some old
bullshit about "functional strength", as if there is a way of being strong that is somehow
useless. You might even be arrogant enough to equate throwing barbells around, without any form of programming, to a lifetime of hard graft and labour, and claim you have a similar base of strength. Let me tell you, Cultfitters. Any farmer aged 8 and up will outlift your skinny, DYEL, wet
bag, rotator cuff worrying, carb depleted
bullshit.
Weightlifter: 'Dude, why are you throwing your legs around while you do a pullup? You realise that doesn't actually
work the muscles you'
re trying to
target any better right? And in
fact may increase the stress on your shoulder joints, right?'
Crossfitter: 'But I'm Crossfit Strong! Plus... I can't really do a strict form pull up'.
Weightlifter: 'Well you could work on that, become stronger until you can do a whole bunch?'
Crossfitter: 'No! That's ok, I just like to turn up and do a random bunch of exercises without any thought to what my goals or objectives are, you know, apart from doing it all FASTER!'.
Weightlifter: 'Ok. The
adult weights are over in the corner if you'd like to join me, I'll be deadlifting with PROPER FORM and NOT FOR
TIME 3x what you lift, in the corner. Come join me when your rotator cuffs are healed'.
Crossfitter: 'INSERT CROSSFIT HQ MANTRA
