AP Biology represents a syndrome of symptoms discussed below.
It is synonymous with "the cure for
procrastination."
The days leading to the test are packed with struggle, cynicism, and apathy, but with a good
teacher, students can make it. They experience symptoms akin to bacterial meningitis as their
brain struggles to process the sheer quantity of information. By the end of the year, however, only the willful and skillful remain.
AP Condition
5 ~ Final Month (2 chapters/
day reviewed)
Ap Condition 4 ~ Final 2 Weeks (4 chapters reviewed per day)
AP Condition 3 ~ Final Week (10 chapters per day)
AP Condition 2 ~ Last 3 Days (intravenous red bull injection)
AP Condition 1 ~ AP Test Day
The day after:
At this point, students begin to feel lightheaded. Many may slip into brief periods of unconsciousness as their
brain begins to populate the 200-300 petabytes of neuronal storage and memories associated with biology with new cells.
Neurons exit G0 and start dividing once more. Soon, the students
will be able to remember their names, their family member's names, and for some even their address.
The subsequent years of healing and therapy
will be hard, but students
will always know it was worth it. None are procrastinators any longer. AP Biology has either cured them or applied Darwinian principles to their existence.
We
will no longer say AP Biology is like drowning. We
will say drowning is like AP Biology.
~Gregorious Maximus
*To a student that's gone into shock as his
brain has run out of memory from AP Biology*
"Take a chill pill Potter."
~Gregorious Maximus
*When discussing Photosynthesis and the carbon fixation involving RuBP Carboxylase*
"Rubisco is a street term. Only gangsters call it Rubisco. To you, it is R-U-B-P Carboxylase."
~Gregorious Maximus
*When a
teacher-observer from administration asks why the
children are testing in the
dark*
"Tell'er __REDACTED__ "
__REDACTED__ *Robotically *: "The rods within one's eyes dynamically adjust levels of phosphorylated rhodopsin which is a slow process. By shutting the lights off, we can no longer cheat but can barely see our papers."
Gregorious Maximus: "Very good. You
will one
day be worthy of the title 'Biologist'".
*To students whose
work has failed to meet the rigorous standards of format and quality anticipated by the class*
Gregorious Maximus: "This, this is fecal matter!
*To a group of students which turned in differing data in their lab reports*
Gregorious Maximus:
*Breaks Meter Stick In Half* "You have 1 minute to tell me who's data is the most valid."
Students: *Panicking noises*
*Disclaimer: Gregorious Maximus bears no similarities to any real people. He is a transcended being representing everyone's favorite, most loved, most treasured, and hardest
teacher.*
