The closest thing to Texas you are going to get in California. Rent here is one the cheapest in California. Land is very affordable here.

It is an hour and half away from Los Angeles and the Central Coast, and is thirty minutes to an hour away from the mountains.

It's boring as fuck unless you like riding dirtbikes, farms, oilfields, 4-wheeling, going to concerts, shows, the Kern county fair, swimming, drinking, or doing drugs.

High quality Methamphetamine can be found in any trailer park and is a very popular drug of choice here. It has the same air quality as Los Angeles, can get up to 110 degrees during the summer, and has the highest rate of teen pregnancy and STDs in the country.

Girls are hot here but they get around like hula hoops and will get pregnant and have your kids to receive welfare benefits and child support.

Liberty High, Stockdale High, Centennial High, Garces, and Bakersfield High are the best high schools here.

Colleges are Bakersfield College and Cal State University of Bakersfield where Tito Ortiz went to.

Best neighborhoods to live in Bakersfield is in the Northwest and Northeast.

Neighborhoods you want to stay far away from is Oildale and neighborhoods near and/or on Cottonwood road and Martin Luther King Blvd.

Gangs here consist of various sets of Crips that roll deep as fuck claim East Side, country boy Crips on the South Side, and West Side Crips. Bloods are few in number. Peckerwoods are in Oildale.

Dude 1) Man Bakersfield is so boring, Im willing to try smoking meth.

Dude 2). Man I have a piezo at my house. We can get a twenty next door to your house.

Dude 1) I never knew they slanged meth and I never knew you smoked meth.

Dude 2) Dude what do you expect? You live in a trailer park in Oildale.


Dude 1) Man Bakersfield hit 107 degrees today, thank god everybody wants to chill at my chillbox ( pad with bomb ass AC) and smoke meth cuz I have the coldest AC on the block.

Dude 2). Lets cluck your AC for more meth.

Dude 1). Fuck off that AC is my saddle, lets go steal someone's dirtbike instead.

Dude 2) Naw lets go rob a house instead.

Dude 1) I think I need to lay off this dope.


Dude 1). At least Bakersfield has a chill downtown. I can pre-game at the Alley Cat and walk to Rabobank Arena to go see Kottonmouth Kings perform.

Dude 2). Yeah next week they are going to have a monster truck show. Im going there spun as fuck and grab me a tweaker hoe.

Dude 1) You and your fucking meth habit smh.
by NoneOfYourDamnBusiness July 12, 2012
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A tweaker-infested, stretched-out town with overbearing heat located in the desert of central California. For having about as gross of nature as Rosie O'Donnell's sweaty crotch, Bakersfield has almost half a million victims to it's polluted, gang-infested shit-hole. It is rumored that once you move there, you never can escape it's magnetic pull, and your life will never reach its full potential.
"I heard that my drug dealer moved to Bakersfield from L.A. Now I have to find a new contact. Shouldn't be too hard."
by Zandroid April 8, 2012
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A city in Central California, roughly 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles. It suffers from a lack of culture, backwards politics, and extremely hot temperatures.

It is the definite area at which the zombie apocalypse will begin.
Hick from Oildale: I love Bakersfield. I'm going to live here forever, smoking meth and sitting on my ass all day.

Me: You do that buddy. You're going to be a zombie anyways.
by stayin'dafuckouttabako May 15, 2010
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a large city filled with people who have too much town pride for the disgusting shithole they live in. the air can give you lung fungus, and females cannot walk five feet down Union street without being accosted by fat, horny Mexicans in search of a good time. the population continues to grow because of the plentifulness of weed and meth, bringing in at least ten immagrant drug addicts from LA everyday. it's unbearably hot in the summer because this is, indeed, hell, and bitingly cold in the winter because Satan is cheap and never pays the heating bill so PG&E gets pissed and shuts off the heat. if you should ever have the misfortune of coming here, stay far away from Oildale unless you wish to have you nostrils assaulted by the scent of weed and taco meat.
Girl: Hey we're in Bakersfield
Boy: Shit..... I always knew I was going to hell
by istabyoudie April 12, 2011
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The only place, besides D.C. where you could lose the entire worlds nuclear arsenal and not have it burn through the crap. There's a reason they say: "There are two things to do in Bakersfield, meth or drive away."
Normal Person 1: So we've been in Bakersfield an hour, we've done everything there is to do, and we have to options left ..... so......wana do meth?

Normal Person 2: No...

Normal Person 1: Ok, let's drive away
by j4657 October 14, 2014
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A metropolitan city located, ironically, in the southern end of the San Joaquin Valley of California, in the United States, that believes it is a town and deeply embodies this concept in its culture.

Bakersfleid culture is punctuated by its insufferable summer heat and hatred from people from Los Angeles (LA). The summer of '11 featured over 25 days of consecutive triple digit heat, enhanced by air quality at least on a par with LA (again irony abounds..) Heat peaks at 5 0'clock pm and does not abate until 3:00 am if you're lucky.
If you are misguided or unfortunate enough to move to Bakersfield from LA, be advised and prepared to witness their collective ability to blackball and ostracize, yet try to understand this has become a genetic abnormality that binds the culture. Some believe it may be a protective mechanism (they know it sucks), as 'appearance' overrides all activities of the natives, who are, indeed, interesting to observe..especially in their native habitat.
by DaneBC June 19, 2011
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A mysterious anomaly located in Kern County, California and the California's central valley.

In 2013, Bakersfield topped the list of every other single city in America with a population of over 250,000 people (even Miami and Boston) as being "America's Drunkest City".

Drivers here do what they want (cutting all 4 lanes on the freeway without looking, not bothering to replace their burnt-out brake lights, NEVER touching the turn signal, etc.), and road rage is rampant here.

A few streets are named after county music artists (Merle Haggard, Buck Owens), and Bakersfield is home to the Crystal Palace country music hall. Often called "California's country music capital," everyone here listens to country music. A subgenre of country music came about in 1950s Bakersfield called the "Bakersfield sound."

The neighborhoods here are basically 1) Rosedale - in the northwest and, 2) the ghetto - everywhere else. The east is perhaps the most dangerous, and Oildale is very close. Southwest Bakersfield used to be the shit, but has turned to just shit. A storm of people flew into Kern County from Los Angeles in the wake of the housing market crash, and brought a lot of the ghetto culture with it.

Despite all of this, I love it here. You will find that so many of us are weirdly prideful of the hillbilly cow town we live in. Out of all the big cities in the central valley, Fresno, Stockton, and Sacramento are a lot worse.
Bakersfield. At least it's not Stockton!
by i want mints November 21, 2013
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