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witness me 

When you pour applesauce on your face in front of your philosophy professor to indicate how tired you are at all times. Also known as being very depressed .... so applesauce on the face .... cures depression
Witness me, Chris
witness me by GayishJewish October 17, 2018

Witness a murder 

You watching someone get killed from a distance
Yooo , I just witness a murder im shaking really bad
Witness a murder by z12fruadin December 29, 2024

Witness a murder 

You watch someone get killed from a far.
Yooo , I witness a murder early this morning
Witness a murder by z12fruadin December 29, 2024

Fauchovah's Witness 

A member of the Covidian sect of cultish apologists who fervently adhere to the teachings and mandates of the one and only true Fauchovah.
"Do NOT confuse Fauchovah's Witnesses with JWs."

"One is the sole religion of the only true god & the other is Jehovah's Witnesses!"

paid witness 

an unarmed security guard

I mean, what the hell is this guy gonna do against a heat packing thief?
Lady: Aahhh! That guy just took my purse!
Guard: He sure did!
Lady: Well, do something, dammit!
Guard: What do you want me to do? Run up and slap him so he can knife me to death? I'm just a paid witness!
Lady: Argh!
paid witness by creaternity May 13, 2006

Fair Witness 

A "Fair Witness" is a fictional profession in the book "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Robert A. Heinlein. In the book, Fair Witnesses were individuals trained to see the world around them, as literally as possible, until sensed (see/hear/smell/taste/touch) otherwise.

Another way to describe it would be someone that takes all things sensed as literal as possible & have no reason to believe what they just sensed will remain that way when they are no longer sensing them (seeing/tasting/etc.)
An excerpt from the book itself, where the character referenced as "Anne" is an off-duty Fair Witness:

Jubal to Jill: "Even Cavendish did not--at least he won't say so. You know how Fair Witnesses behave."

Jill: "Well...no, I don't. I've never met one."

Jubal to Jill: "So? ANNE!"

Anne was on the springboard; she turned her head. Jubal called out, "That house on the hilltop--can you see what color they've painted it?"

Anne looked, then answered, "It's white on this side."

Jubal went on to Jill: "You see? It doesn't occur to Anne to infer that the other side is white, too. All the King's horses couldn't force her to commit herself...unless she went there and looked--and even then she wouldn't assume that it stayed white after she left."
Fair Witness by ZoLatKam April 2, 2014